Chapter 6

“What are you looking at?”

Joss glanced up from his phone to look at Force, who was patting his sweaty forehead with a towel. His friend was heaving, hands braced on his hips. He’d just finished a set of deadlifts, and Joss was up next, but his focus was miles away.

There weren’t many people in the gym at this time of the day besides a few runners pounding the treadmills and regulars Joss knew by name. They hadn’t seen each other in a while, so Joss had suggested they catch up while working out. But, distracted, he’d spent most of his time thumbing his phone, scrolling. Since his enlightening conversation with Podd, his mind had been on fire, a tornado of ideas and possibilities wreaking havoc, restlessness thrumming through his bones.

He’d caved in and reinstalled all his social media apps, and since then, he’d barely been able to tear his eyes away from his phone, hoping, as it always seemed to be the case, for Gawin to pop on his screen.

Yes, Gawin was back to being a constant in his thoughts. All the feelings he had pushed under the rug for these long weeks had rushed back, overwhelming and fierce, a tidal wave that’d left him dizzy. Joss was still trying to recover.

He still hadn’t contacted him, though, torn on how to act around the singer. More than once, he’d opened their chats, typed paragraphs, and never hit send. His instincts urged caution. Truth was, he was afraid of being hurt again.

He kept replaying their moments together, and with a cooler head, he could admit that the tension between them was undeniable. Joss saw things in a new light. Like that time, outside the restaurant, Gawin hadn’t backed away when Joss had moved closer… If anything, before they were interrupted, he’d even looked ready to kiss him back… Was Joss imagining things? Twisting memories to protect his healing heart?

And what had really happened between him and Podd? Podd had said they’d never been together, that it was complicated. Then why had Gawin kissed him? Were they friends with benefits? Just picturing the two men in the same bed sent a disgusted chill down Joss’ spine.

Complicated. He didn’t want complicated.

He liked his life nice and simple.

But could he really let go of Gawin?

He already knew the answer.

He couldn’t.

Oh, he’d tried these past months, but it had proven an impossible task.

Joss knew that there was a strong possibility he might get hurt again.

Joss was also aware that another heartbreak would be harder to recover from. But, even with the fear of Gawin stomping on his heart, he couldn’t walk away. He had to try. The pain of regret, the ache of never having tried, would be worse than his heart breaking open.

So what now? Should he reach out to the singer? And if he did… what the hell was he supposed to say?

Once again, as if the Universe was nudging him in the right direction, he had stumbled upon an Instagram story and, even though it wasn’t from his account, Gawin was the focus. Marc and he were playing basketball in a small stadium, the singer grinning as he dribbled the ball between his legs.

Joss’ heart jumped at the sight.

Gawin’s appearance on social media was always a shock.

He stared at the short clip, replaying it until his mind was flooded with Gawin’s joyous smile.

Basketball.

The sport that had them bond and connect on a deeper level. They shared the same passion for the sport, and every time they met on the court, it was electric. Joss reminisced fondly about their previous games. The last time they were on the same team, their hearts in sync, drumming the same rhythm. He remembered Gawin’s excited chatter afterward. How easy it had been then to prolong their time together, sharing a meal… the almost kiss…

Joss shook his head, his mouth drying at the thought.

Maybe, if his cab had never come, things would be different now.

No.

There was no point in dwelling on the past.

Only the present, the now, mattered.

He needed to act and fast.

Joss opened the notes app.

He’d spent half an hour crafting a message. It was a simple invitation to an upcoming basketball event, and just like the last time, Luke would join them. A winning formula. A simple opening that didn’t feel too romantic or aggressive and that gave room for possibilities.

He pasted the text into Gawin’s DM’s, scrutinizing the message for flaws.

Pursing his lips, he deleted a sentence and rephrased it.

There, it was better… Casual. Perfect.

Joss’ thumb hovered over the send button, overtaken by nerves.

What if Gawin was busy that day? What if he didn’t want to play anymore? And even if he did, would he want to see Joss?

It was in this moment of anguish that Force found him after his set.

His friend, faced with Joss’ lack of response, rounded him to look over his shoulder.

He raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

“Why don’t you send it?” his patience was clearly waning.

Joss slumped forward.

“I don’t know. What do you think? Is it okay?” He asked, rubbing his strained eyes.

“Let me see,” Force said.

Then, without a warning, he snatched the phone away. Ignoring Joss’ protests, he read the message pensively for a few seconds and, without preamble, hit send.

Joss sprang to his feet in shock.

“What the fuck, man?”

“You think too much.”

Force tossed the phone back, pushed Joss off the bench, and started a set of leg presses.

Joss panicked, considered deleting the text, but ultimately decided against it. Wouldn’t it be worse if Gawin saw a deleted message notification instead?

He growled, his eyes throwing daggers at his uncaring friend.

A quiet ting made him start. Joss immediately pressed his nose to the screen, baffled.

Gawin had read his text.

Bile surged up his throat.

Gawin was typing…

Force shook his head in despair as Joss sucked in an anxious breath.

After a mere few seconds, a new message appeared.

A thumbs-up emoji.

A freaking thumbs-up emoji.

Joss nearly threw his phone to the ground.

 

***

 

“So, Joss, some of your fans would like to see you tackle new kinds of projects. Some even mention you doing a BL. Is that something you’d like to do?” the interviewer asked with a smile full of pearly white teeth.

Joss raised his eyes to the ceiling, thoughtful.

After a few beats, he turned his attention back to the journalist.

“It’s something I’d be willing to do, yes. You know, I was in 3 Will Be Free, where I played a character who was in relationships with both a man and a woman. It’s not something I’m uncomfortable with at all. But even though I’ve received many offers to star in BLs, I think having a good partner is essential in this industry. When you’re paired with someone, you spend years working together. You end up seeing that person more than your family and friends… so compatibility and chemistry are extremely important.”

The interviewer inched closer, his butt barely on his chair. His perfect skin shone under the spotlight, almost plastic-like. “There are a lot of great actors who would look good next to you!” His gaze swept appreciatively over Joss’s frame. “Some of your fans even ship you with Luke Voyage… What a hot couple that would be!”

Joss shook his head.

“Oh no. We’re very good friends, but I don’t think we’d match well as a pair.”

“Really? And what do you look for in a partner?”

“Just-” Joss cut himself off, hesitating. “Just someone I wouldn’t mind spending countless hours with. Someone who shares the same vision as me and who gives me drive, you know? A person who pushes me to be better.”

The interviewer nodded vigorously, his skin glinting like a disco ball.

“I see, I see… And do you have someone in mind? An actor you’d like to work with?”

“Ah…” Joss exhaled with a lopsided smile. “There are a lot of people I’d like to share a scene with, but… a long-term partner?” He lowered his eyes to his folded hands. “Not really, no.”

 

***

 

When Gawin got out of his car, hair wind-blown and beaming… time stopped. Joss stuttered a breath, stricken. In a way, it felt like they hadn’t been apart at all, and in another, it was as if he hadn’t been able to properly breathe before this instant.

“Hi,” Gawin said. His smile, like a sun ray, melted the ice around Joss’ bones.

“Hi.” Joss breathed.

They stood, facing each other, twin grins on their flushed faces. Joss couldn’t have told you how long this moment lasted. A second, maybe a few minutes, but when Luke rattled his throat, snapping them back to reality, Joss’ cheeks hurt from smiling so hard.

They walked side by side to the court, their shoulders brushing together, chatting about frivolities, and something broken inside of Joss clicked back into place. Perhaps a missing puzzle piece, or a cog back to its gears… He had no idea, but, at this very moment, he had the certainty that things shouldn’t be any other way. He and Gawin, following the same path, giving in to the pull Joss felt in the deepest parts of his soul… This way was the only way.

They played like they had never stopped, Joss following Gawin’s shadow like a moth attracted to the light. It’s not difficult to be a team when you’re so in-tune with another being. Tossing passes, shielding, receiving the ball, and landing a two-pointer were as easy as breathing.

And even though they lost in the end, Joss felt like he had received a priceless gift.

“See you later,” Gawin said behind the wheel, his car’s engine already rumbling.

“Yeah, see you.”

Joss, hands in his pockets, nodded goodbye.

They stayed like this for a few seconds, silently looking at each other. Joss hadn’t stopped smiling since Gawin had joined them, and he was still smiling now. He lowered his gaze to the singer who also had a slight smile on his face. He was gnawing his lower lip like he had something to say but couldn’t find the right words. His fingers were tapping absentmindedly on the car’s wheel. Joss’ grin widened, endeared. Gawin looked away, the tip of his ears reddening. He pressed his lips together, as if he had decided, in the end, to keep his thoughts tightly locked up.

After one last goodbye, he drove away.

Joss didn’t move. His body was sore from running around the court, endorphins were numbing his brain most agreeably, and his heart felt feather-light, content.

He sighed, chest flooded with warmth.

Luke, who was looming behind him, frowned. He’d been oddly quiet the whole day, but Joss had been so focused on the game and Gawin that he was only noticing now.

“You alright?”

He finally asked his best friend. Luke turned away from where Gawin’s car had disappeared and stared at him with serious, dark eyes. He shrugged.

“I’m good. You?”

“I’m great,” Joss answered sincerely.

Luke hummed pensively. He wrapped an arm around Joss’ shoulder and pulled him, with more force than necessary, toward his car.

“It went well.” He teased, then snorted when Joss smiled sheepishly at his remark. He pushed him toward the passenger seat. “I’m pretty sure he likes you too, man.”

Joss’ heart leaped at the statement.

He stepped into the car, hiding his fluster behind a stoic pout.

“Shut up and drive.”

 

***

 

“My café’s opening is this Saturday. Bring Gawin with you.”

Gun’s message was blunt, no greetings, no pleasantries, just an order.

Joss raised an eyebrow.

He hadn’t seen Gun in weeks, but he knew that Luke had.

Joss grimaced. His best friend clearly hadn’t kept his mouth shut.

It had only been a week since he’d seen Gawin again, but ever since, nothing had changed. Joss was at a loss when it came to navigating this relationship. Gawin’s was unlike anyone he’d ever met.

When they were together, things flowed with ease. But the moment they were apart, a wall shot up between them. Unbreachable. The shift was unsettling. Sometimes Joss wondered if he was imagining it. Did Gawin feel the distance, too? Or was he just being needy? The thought rattled him. He’d never been clingy before. On the contrary, he always valued his independence, forcing himself to make space for his significant other.

Now, the tables had turned.

To his defense, unless they saw each other face-to-face, keeping a conversation going with the singer was nearly impossible. From what Joss had gathered, Gawin rarely carried his phone and disliked texting. Joss wanted to call him. God, he terribly wanted to. If he listened to his selfish desires, he’d dial the singer every day just to hear that sleepy voice wish him a good day.

Since that wasn’t an option yet, he’d tried to find a chance to invite Gawin out, but it had proved harder than expected. His greatest fear, as cliché as it sounded, was getting stuck in the friend zone. Of course, he valued Gawin’s friendship, but in his heart, the singer had always been more than a friend.

“For now,” Joss told himself, “I’ll take whatever time I can get.”

Still, Luke’s words kept echoing.

I’m pretty sure he likes you too, man.

Joss pondered over Gun’s text.

He knew he had to make each meeting count, to choose settings that could pass as dates, to behave in ways that left no room for confusion.

“Do not enter the bro zone,” he reminded himself firmly.

The line was thin, but he had to walk it. He couldn’t invite Gawin just anywhere. It had to be good, to leave an impression… He’d obsessed so much over finding the perfect place that time flew by, and a week passed with barely any interaction.

The café opening might be exactly what he needed. A special event in a casual setting, surrounded by familiar faces… Not romantic, but safe. Knowing Gun, the café would be tastefully decorated, warm and cozy, the perfect atmosphere to grow closer.

He sent Gawin the invite with a thundering heart.

To his surprise, Gawin replied the next day. Positive.

Joss had to steady his pulse, tamp down his grin.

He cursed Luke for planting hope in his chest.

He couldn’t get ahead of himself.

 

***

 

On the day of the opening, they agreed to meet a few blocks away from Last house to the right, Gun’s café.

As usual, Joss arrived early. The train ride had done nothing to calm his nerves. Waiting with his hands clasped behind his back, he tried to steady himself. Meeting Gawin in a new setting was always a little nerve-wracking. This time, there were no warm-ups to ease the atmosphere. No basketball game to fall back on, no ball to occupy his damp palms. Just the two of them.

Joss drew a nervous breath, tilted his head to the sky, and closed his eyes behind his shades.

“Everything is going to be okay,” he told himself, letting the sunlight melt his worries. “You’re gonna have fun. There’s no reason to stress about this. What could possibly go wrong?”

Then he saw Gawin.

Uncharacteristically on time, he strolled towards him, casual, glasses on, and a burnt-orange shirt flowing behind him. His steps were light but springy, and with a bright smile that was aimed straight at Joss. Just like that, all his worries evaporated, replaced by the lovely butterflies that always rose whenever Gawin’s attention was on him. Oh, he had missed this smile.

“Hey, you’re early. You could not wait to see me, huh?” Joss teased, meeting the singer halfway.

Gawin chuckled.

Joss didn’t miss the way the tips of his ears flushed pink.

“Let’s go inside,” Gawin said, leading the way to the café, deliberately ignoring his remark.

Joss smirked, then fell into step behind him, following happily.

The shop was its owner’s image: refined, colorful, eclectic.

The two-story café offered classic beverages, alongside vinyl records and various avant-garde fashion accessories, all wrapped in a warm and cosy atmosphere. The combination of all these items shouldn’t have worked, but Gun, with his keen eye and sense of detail, found a way.

The small shop brimmed with people. On their way in, they passed familiar faces from the industry, actors, models, influencers, journalists, and singers, as well as some people Joss had never seen before but guessed were some of Gun’s most loyal fans. Joss stopped to greet some of them, Gawin trailing him quietly at his side. Joss made a point of introducing him around, though he could see the singer wasn’t in his natural element.

It had only taken a few seconds after crossing the threshold, after the music and the chatter rushed to meet them, for Gawin’s whole demeanor to shift. His smile had morphed into something smaller and reserved, and even though he towered over most people, he suddenly looked very small.

Seeing his unease, Joss slipped his hands on Gawin’s shoulders and guided him through the crowd, keeping close, a grounding presence in this sea of unfamiliar faces.

He felt Gawin relax beneath his touch as he gently steered toward the back of the store, where Gun and his screen partner Off were discussing with a small group of people. When Gun saw them approach, he spread his arms wide for a hug that Joss gave him readily, while Gawin waved at his side. Gun grabbed the singer for a hug anyway, sending Gawin into a fit of giggles.

“Oh, I’m so glad you two were able to make it. How do you like my new baby?”

Gun gestured proudly around the café, chin tilted high.

“It’s really nice, thank you for inviting us,” Gawin said with a smile, visibly amused by Gun’s larger-than-life energy. They had filmed a series together, so they were already acquainted, but Joss could see that Gawin was still a little intimidated by his senior, whom he deeply respected.

Gun flicked a dismissive hand.

“Of course, of course. My pleasure! Thank you for coming. Feel free to grab any drink at the booth downstairs. It’s one the house!”

After a few more chatters, Joss, once again, gently led Gawin toward the stairs.

The lower floor was just as busy, and they had to squeeze through guests, Joss’s chest brushing Gawin’s back as they paddled to the coffee booth. Gawin’s eyes lit up when he spotted the selection of smoothies, zeroing in on a red, fizzy, tropical concoction. Joss, who was supposed to watch his calories closely during boxing training, ordered a plain Americano.

“So,” he asked after they had settled in a corner near the vinyl section where Gawin browsed enthusiastically, “what’s up? Did you enjoy acting as a police officer?”

Gawin chuckled, lifting his eyes from the record in his hands, some old Thai rock band, and meeting Joss’ eyes with a glint.

“I enjoyed it a lot. I even got to carry a gun and had some fight scenes.” He bawled his fists, lowered into a fighting stance, and wiggled his eyebrows playfully. “You’re not the only one who knows how to throw a punch. I might be able to take you.”

Joss chortled.

“Oh, I’d like to see that,” he said, raising an open palm. Gawin tapped it lightly with his fist, but Joss caught it and held it tight. “Not bad… but leave the fighting to me, okay?”

Gawin straightened.

He lowered his gaze to his trapped hand before lifting his back to Joss’ face, something unreadable veiling them that made Joss’ insides twist. “How would you play guitar if you hurt your hands?” He added, one eyebrow quirking.

Gawin grinned, sharp canine showing.

“True.”

Joss released him, and Gawin threw him one more cryptic look before turning back to the rack of records.

“When is the match, by the way?” he asked casually, sipping his drink as his fingers flickered delicately through the sleeves.

Joss tore his eyes away from the sight of Gawin’s lips closing around the straw.

“In three weeks.”

“So soon,” Gawin exhaled, meeting his gaze again.

There were still a lot of people downstairs, the room loud with music and laughter, forcing them to huddle closer, voices raised to cover the noise. They stood less than arm’s length apart, Gawin’s arm brushing against Joss’ whenever he lifted his glass.

A bead of red juice slipped down Gawin’s lip. He caught it with a thumb. Joss’ eyes tracked the movement. When he looked back up, he fell into Gawin’s molten stare. The singer smirked.

“Are you confident?” he asked.

“Confident?” Joss echoed.

He really loved Gawin’s height. Tall and strong, yet small enough to nestle under Joss’ chin. Just the perfect height for Joss to rest a kiss on his forehead without even bending.

Gawin chuckled, amused by his distraction.

“About the fight. Do you think you can win?”

“Ah. I know I’m going to win.” Joss declared.

Then he sucked a breath as someone bumped into him from behind, shoving him closer. His nose nearly brushed Gawin’s fringe. The stranger apologized but Joss barely heard him, too lost in Gawin’s warmth. His scent.

And though Gawin had room to step back, he didn’t.

“A bit cocky, aren’t you?”

Joss smiled and leaned in, his lips dangerously close to Gawin’s ear, making the singer start.

“Why would I go into a fight expecting failure?”

He pulled away, Gawin’s lips curled, pink and tempting. Joss watched his jaw shift as the singer slowly bit his tongue with his back teeth, teasing and alluring. Joss knew that look. It was a challenge. A dare. The look of a man who wanted to be kissed.

Joss swallowed hard.

Not here.

Not yet.

Not with half of their industry present, where anyone could intrude.

Flirting was fine, but more… that was for somewhere more private. Somewhere, he could pin Gawin against a wall and finally do what he’d dreamed about for months.

“So you never lose?” Gawin asked, brow quirking.

Joss brushed his index finger on the back of Gawin’s wrist. Gawin’s breath hitched.

“I didn’t say that… Just know I always give my best.”

Gawin laughed, low and breathy, flustered.

“…In everything.” Joss added.

This time, the singer threw his head back, startled into laughter. Joss tracked every movement, heat curling in his stomach, pleased with the effect he had.

“Is that a promise?” Gawin asked, lips tugging on the side.

“Absolutely.”

Gawin laughed again, then bit his bottom lip, looking away, melting under the weight of Joss’ stare.

Thunder rattled Joss’ chest. He wanted to take Gawin by the hand, drag him somewhere quiet, intimate. There, he would lick the sugar off his lips, taste that cheeky tongue, and worship every curve of his neck.

“Let’s see if-” Gawin began, glancing around…

He froze.

Joss followed his gaze, and his body went still.

Podd.

Striding through the crowd with a determined gait, parting people without a word.

The last person Joss wanted to see tonight.

The last person Gawin needed to see.

Gawin’s brightness vanished, his expression snapping into a cold mask. Instinctively, Joss stepped to the side, planting himself in front of the singer like a shield. He didn’t know the whole story, but he didn’t need to. One look at Gawin’s tensed jaw and the way he folded his arms across his chest was enough.

“Joss.” Podd’s greeting was flat, his eyes fixed past him, hungry for the sight of Gawin.

Joss ignored him, pining him with an unblinking stare.

Podd sighed. He leaned sideways to catch Gawin’s eye.

“Fluke, can I talk to you?”

Gawin’s eyes were like ice.

“Why?”

“I just want to talk.”

The chatter around them dimmed as heads began to turn towards them, people stealing curious glances. Joss felt the weight of their attention pressing on them. Gawin noticed it too. Annoyed, he exhaled through his nose, sharp and impatient.

“Five minutes,” he muttered at last, reluctant.

Joss observed the exchange, anger boiling in his chest.

What the fuck was going on? Podd had said they weren’t together? So why the hell was he there, looking at Gawin like that?

His fist curled. He wanted to shout, break something… Maybe Podd’s nose.

He forced them open, nail carving crescents into his palms.

Gawin looked distressed, his shoulder drawn tight, face tensed. Joss couldn’t just leave him with that guy. He shifted forward, ready to follow them, but Gawin stopped him with a hand on his forearm. His touch was gentle, and when he looked at Joss, his eyes were full of remorse.

“I’ll be right back.” He whispered, and then he was gone, trailing Podd up the stairs toward the terrace.

Joss told himself to stay put. He couldn’t. His feet carried him after them, heavy with dread. He stopped at the window, heart hammering, and watched their silhouettes locked in a quiet argument beyond the glass.

Once again, they looked like they had a world of their own. A world from which Joss was excluded. Just like that day in the car, the kiss he’d witnessed through the glass… So close, yet untouchable.

Podd’s lips moved in frantic whispers, his body angled in plea. But Gawin’s face was shuttered, closed off in an almost frightening way. Podd was apologizing, hunched over, eyes pooled with sorrow. And as he talked, stepping closer, trying to make the young American look at him, Gawin’s stance softened. There it was… a crack. Joss’s stomach dropped. Gawin was giving in.

“No…” The word escaped him, guttural. A thought or plea meant to cross the glass. Joss’ heart was shadowed with uncertainty.

And then Gawin’s eyes flicked sideways, straight to him. No surprise. As if he’d known Joss would be there all along.

A small hand pressed into the small of his back. Joss twisted to find Gun beside him, his mouth set in a stern line.

“Don’t worry,” Gun murmured, voice steady, eyes sharp. “It’s going to be okay.”

And as if Gun’s word had spelled him awake, Gawin spoke. Really spoke. His head shook with each word, hands slicing the air, words dropping like blows. Podd shrank with every syllable. He tried to push through, but Gawin was relentless. At last, eyes downcast, Podd turned away.

He met Joss’ gaze through the glass, and Joss almost tasted the venom in his look before he left, dragging his feet like a shadow.

With Podd gone, the pressure in Joss’ chest released. He sucked in air, ragged and deep, like a man surfacing from the depths.

Gawin turned his back to the window. Joss couldn’t see his face, but he knew the singer was still shaken. His hands braced on his hips, his face turned toward the grey-white sky.

“Go,” Gun urged him, and Joss didn’t need another prompt. He strode for the door.

When he reached Gawin, the singer gave him a small smile, eyes shiny with unshed tears. A vein throbbed at his temple, betraying every bit of tension inside him.

Joss’ worry must have shown, because Gawin gave him a weak, apologetic pout.

“I’m sorry-” his voice cracked, taunt with nerves.

Joss slid an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close.

“It’s okay,” he murmured into Gawin’s hair.

Gawin exhaled a trembling breath and leaned into Joss’ shoulder.

They stayed like that, silent, until his breathing steadied.

“Do you want to go somewhere else?” Joss asked quietly.

Gawin blinked at him, surprised, then nodded, gratitude softening his gaze.

“Let’s go.”

Joss interwined their fingers, warm and steady.

He didn’t look back as he led Gawin away.