Chapter 5

Heartbreak, Joss noticed, had a different flavour every time.

The last time someone trampled his heart, he was 22, and his girlfriend of almost a year had broken up with him without explanation. It had felt like the wind was knocked out of his chest. A stale taste. Chalky. Reeking of confusion and unsaid truths.

“It’s not you, it’s me,” she had said, a quote that was without a doubt taken out of a TV drama.

Sure, they had their problems, but he had tried his best to work through them. He had listened, put effort and time into it, but to no avail. Joss then realized that pouring his whole heart into a relationship sometimes wasn’t enough. A relationship was not to be nurtured alone. If the other person was not willing to also do the work, it was doomed from the start.

This heartbreak had felt like being left alone on the side of the road.

Abandoned.

Left to his own devices to find a way home and to walk through life again…

This time, however, it was different.

This love had consumed him for so long and so profoundly… but most of their story had been secluded to the confines of his mind. He was in love with the possibility of what could be. Of what could have been.

He was certain that he and Gawin could be great together.

Yet, the love had been ripped from him before it could materialize like an enchanting candle never allowed to burn. The feeling, unable to express itself to the world, had consumed him from the inside. It gnawed at his joy, at his sadness, chewing every emotion on its path…

At first, Joss was angry and frustrated.

He was mad at Podd for existing, at Gawin for not choosing him, at both of them for putting him through these turmoils, but mostly at himself for not being more proactive.

He had raged, walking without purpose, trying to flee from the horrific visions of Gawin kissing another man and from his too overwhelming thoughts.

He had walked for hours.

He had walked until his legs burned, his knees wobbled, and his feet refused to take another step. In that way, he’d also punished himself for failing.

He had chosen the safe route.

It hadn’t worked.

Joss would never make this mistake again…

Then, after the anger, there was the sadness.

The following days had passed by in dizzy, cloudy haze, and the joy that was lighting up his life faded.

There were no more twinkles in his eyes, and smiling was becoming a rarer occurrence… His previously vigorous body suddenly seemed to carry the weight of his chagrin. An uneasy, unshakable tension contracted his muscles at all times.

Of course, his workouts had suffered, and he and his trainer had noticed a severe decline in his performance. His runs were slower, weights seemed to be heavier, and he was finding himself out of breath more often than not.

Throat tight, words came to him with more difficulty.

But days passed, mornings and nights cycled, and progressively, sadness turned into nothingness.

***

The dreams did not cease.

Gawin, although he was not physically present in his life, never left him.

The heat, however, had withdrawn from the fantasies.

It was strange to meet him in this parallel world.

When he dreamt of the singer, they were often just sitting together.

They were just there.

Sharing the same air, protected by their own secure bubble.

Gawin was sitting next to him, their fingers were laced together, and the singer’s head was a soothing weight on Joss’ shoulder.

Often, Gawin’s lips were moving. He was talking or maybe singing, but Joss couldn’t hear a sound. When Joss met his gaze, Gawin’s eyes welled up with tears. Joss tried to brush them away with his thumbs, but they flowed endlessly. Powerless, he cradled the younger man’s face between his palms, but with each never-ending droplet, Joss’ heart withered a little more.

When he woke up, even though the pain had subsided, his cheeks were wet.

 

 

***

His friends and family had not missed the change.

At first, they had thought that he was just exhausted.

That all the work he had done in the past few months was taking a toll on him.

So yes, maybe Joss was quieter and less lively than he used to be.

After all, he was only human. Working for days without breaks would inevitably impact his health and his morale. So, with the best intentions, his manager blocked a week for him to rest and relax.

Unfortunately, the vacation had the opposite effect, and Joss, with no responsibilities to uphold, lost all the strength he had left.

His body, sensing a release, gave up, and a sudden flu hit him. He had been stuck in bed for days, unable to go out or meet anyone.

Staying between four walls, with no one to talk to and nothing to do, had been depressing. Even when he’d tried to stretch to ease his sore joints, his body had quickly made it clear that it wasn’t a good idea. Fortunately, most of that time was spent catching up on sleep. But his unoccupied waking hours were flooded with gloomy thoughts that inevitably spiraled downward until his chest became heavy and his eyes prickled.

At some point, he had figured that staying indoors, no matter how tired he was, didn’t work in his favor, so he had slid a mask over his mouth and visited the closest cafe.

On a Thursday afternoon, sitting on a terrace hidden by a large sunshade, Joss people watched. Most people didn’t have the leisure to sit to enjoy their coffee, but plenty of customers came and went, leaving the cafe with a chilly cup in hand.

Joss sipped his Americano, dark shades high on his nose. It was nice to feel like a part of civilization again. Besides Luke and his manager, who had come by his apartment to bring him food and medicine, Joss had not seen another form of life in days.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and Joss was gratified with a text from his older brother telling him he would soon fly to Thailand.

He smiled.

Joss had missed his brother and could not wait to hear all of his stories from California. Boss, who now had built his own family in the States, usually stayed a few days at their parents’ and some at Joss’ place in the city when he visited. Boss’ visits always felt too short, days flying by, so Joss would have to make the most of that time together. He had so many things he wanted to do with his brother, so many fresh places to show him, and things to tell him… Boss was not a very talkative man, but he had always been a steady, reliable presence in Joss’ life, someone he could go to when trouble plagued his mind.

Joss took another sip of his coffee. The sickness dulled his taste buds, so it barely had any taste.

Alone at his table, he ran tired eyes over the sea of cars that coursed through the street. Even though people buzzed around him, Joss was lonely. He had preferred not to contact his friend to avoid spreading his flu, but the lack of human interaction, of laughter and warmth, weighed on him.

He scrolled social media out of habit, lamenting his choice to skip a double espresso. With his packed schedule and the few hours of sleep that it induced, caffeine had become his fuel. He was, however, feeling the adverse effects of the beverage, feeling jumpy and more stressed than usual, which, given his already sour mood, wasn’t ideal.

Although none of his friends were up to anything interesting, getting a peek at their lives made him feel a little better. He could not wait to go back to work…

Suddenly, a picture of a silhouette in a rural area popped up on his feed. A grill nearby exuded thick, gray clouds of smoke. The person was a man with shaggy hair, hunched over a guitar, the sun shining behind his back, and his features barely recognizable. It was a single image of a stolen instant with a tiny fish emoji put in the middle of the screen.

The bitterness of his coffee awakened on his tongue, overpowering.

Gawin.

And, of course, the person who had posted this picture was none other than Podd.

Fed up with his tasteless Americano, Joss closed the app, thrust his phone in the back pocket of his jeans without another glance, and tossed the drink away.

He needed to get better and go back to work.

 

 

***

“Cheers!”

The group clinked their glasses with joy.

The table was full of snacks and beverages. And Joss, surrounded by his closest friends, was starting to feel a little better.

Weeks had passed since the incident, and the numbness was dwindling as life rolled on. Diving into work and social gatherings had slowly helped him regain energy and shifted his thoughts away from feeling blue. After suffering from the debilitating illness, he had toughened his routine and resolved to prioritize his well-being. He committed to daily workouts, ample sleep, good nutrition, and meeting up with friends several times a week. Whether it was for dinner, exercising, or a movie, recreational social interaction had become a non-negotiable. Since the unfortunate picture he had witnessed at the cafe, he had also drastically cut his time on social media. And with this strict routine, Joss had progressively come back to feeling himself.

“You look better, bro,” Force praised him with a clap on his back, a beer in his other hand.

Joss smiled at his friend.

They had not discussed his situation. They were not the kind to speak about such matters unless necessary. But he knew for a fact that if he needed it, he could talk to his friend about anything. Force, being more of an observer than a talker, had not missed the tumult happening in Joss’s love life but, faithful to his name, had only offered silent strength and support.

“Hey, look. Someone’s eyeing you over there,” Luke pointed with a nod.

Joss squinted in the direction his best friend was pointing.

The bar was lit with dimmed, burnt orange lights, intimate and relaxing. The dark, Japanese-inspired ambiance was one of the reasons Joss particularly liked the place, but making up faces from more than two meters away in such an environment was an accomplishment. The walls were covered in beautiful, sleek wood, the doors were made of rice paper, and elegant pieces of calligraphy decorated the walls. Low urban music played from the speakers, the contrast between the decor and the atmosphere a bridge in time between tradition and modernity.

The person Luke was referring to was a young man, probably in his early 20s, with dark, shiny black hair and full lips.

He was pretty.

Timid, he looked away when Joss met his eye.

Joss turned his attention back to his beer, shaking his head slightly.

Luke elbowed him.

“So, aren’t you going to talk to him? He’s just your type.”

Joss pursed his lips.

His friend’s mantra these days was: “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” It was safe to say that Joss did not share this point of view. He didn’t want a new lover. He hadn’t even had one to begin with. His friends, well, mostly Luke, disagreed and seemed to think that he needed to bang every single gay male in Bangkok. That he should fill the void by filling holes.

Joss grimaced.

He was doing just fine alone.

He didn’t need to sleep with random people to feel good about himself. Given his success, he was not short on pretenders, but he couldn’t get himself to care about any of them.

He had wanted someone, but this person had not wanted him back.

Or maybe the person had shared his feelings, but not enough. He had not wanted Joss as much as he liked the other guy. The truth hurt, but Joss had to accept the reality of things. Of course, resentment still darkened his heart, and his pride was bruised, but that didn’t mean he should turn into a whore. There was no void to fill. Just unanswered feelings.

“No, I’m not. As I already told you. I’m doing fine.”

Joss caught the pretty man staring at him again, but this time, the young man smiled shyly at him and raised his glass in greeting.

“If you say so,” Luke said, clearly disappointed by his lack of cooperation.

Joss knew that his best friend genuinely wanted what was best for him. He had been present during pivotal moments as Joss’ feelings developed and had seen firsthand how badly he had wanted things to work out. Joss couldn’t be annoyed at him, not really.

He pressed a reassuring hand on Luke’s shoulder.

The night advanced calmly, catching up with his friends and laughing at Luke’s antics. Joss caught the pretty man sneaking glances at him several times, each peek becoming bolder. So it was not a surprise when, after a quick trip to the bathroom, he saw two big brown eyes looking up at him on the way out.

Joss stopped in his tracks.

There was a cute smile on the man’s pink lips. The mole under his eye and the large expanse of milky skin exposed under his sheer, pale shirt, clavicles delicate and tempting, suddenly distracting.

He was indeed Joss’ type.

“Hi,” the boy said in a shockingly deep voice considering his delicate appearance.

And oh yeah, he really was Joss’ type.

“I’m sorry if I’m bothering you, but I just had to talk to you.”

Joss raised an eyebrow, guarded.

He hoped the guy wasn’t a stalker or a journalist looking for a trashy story. He was, in no way, in the mood to deal with that.

“Hi,” he answered carefully, waiting for the young man to continue before jumping to conclusions. The shorter man didn’t appear to have ill intentions, but Joss knew better than to trust people blindly.

The man gave him another smile, pressing his lips together and fidgeting in embarrassment. Joss unconsciously relaxed. Even if the guy knew who he was, he didn’t look like he was fishing for drama.

“I was wondering if I could buy you a drink,” the young man asked, his voice smooth.

Joss crossed his arms over his chest.

“I’m sorry. I’m with friends right now,” he politely declined.

“Oh, I know. I saw that! It’s okay, I won’t take up more of your time. It’s just – Can I have your Instagram?”

So, not a fan.

“I don’t -“

“You know what, here’s my Line. You can hit me up if you want to,” the pretty man interrupted him, visibly nervous. Then, he pushed a crumpled napkin into Joss’ hands and added under his lashes, “I would really like to get to know you.” With these words, he swiftly disappeared in the crowd, leaving Joss dumbfounded.

“So? What happened?” Luke inquired as soon as Joss joined them back at their table, not even giving him time to sit in his chair.

Joss shrugged and hid the napkin in his pocket, away from his friend’s prying eyes.

 

 

***

Boss’ arrival in Thailand was a breath of fresh air.

It was only after picking up his brother from the airport that Joss truly realized how much he had missed him. With both of them living in different countries and the time zones complicating matters, they often went long periods without talking. They usually only managed to have a phone call about once a month, Joss mostly receiving updates about his brother from their mother or through the sparse texts they exchanged. He was however grateful that, even after months apart, they always fell back into their usual dynamic.

Joss had managed to keep a few days off to follow his brother to their hometown. Reuniting with his brother and their parents over a good meal always filled him with happiness. He hoped to soon be able to purchase a house large enough for his parents to visit him more often. After a refreshing stay in the South, Joss and his brother drove back to the city, a basket full of mangoes in the back seat, and Boss settled into his apartment to enjoy the remainder of his vacation.

Joss was used to living alone. He didn’t mind coming home to an empty apartment. But when he housed guests, he realized how much nicer it would be to share his life with someone…

In the end, he had ended up texting the pretty boy from the bar.

They had gone out for drinks, and the night was pleasant. The young man was good company, charming even. He had invited Joss back to his place, pinned him against the door, his long fingers slipping under Joss’ shirt, while he pampered his mouth with kisses. He was a good kisser, and his tongue against Joss’ was soft and skilled. But something had felt off, and when he had tried to sneak his hand into Joss’ pants, Joss had pushed him away.

The young man had graciously accepted the rejection, suggesting that they take things slowly. But despite his best efforts, nothing had come of their encounters.

It just didn’t feel right.

“Wanna go throw some balls after work?” Boss asked.

He was lounging on the couch, his phone in hand, the TV a soft murmur in the background.

Joss halted his movement with a frown, considering the proposition, then shook his head and resumed pouring protein powder into a shaker. He had to leave for a shoot very soon and was too much in a hurry to eat a proper breakfast.

Boss raised a questioning eyebrow.

Joss had not played basketball in a while.

Weeks, actually.

He had noticed that playing awakened memories that he preferred to keep buried.

“Why not try something else for a change?”

Playing sports had always been something that he and his brother enjoyed doing together. When Boss visited, they used to play past sunset, just like when they were kids.

“Didn’t you pick up boxing recently? Let’s do that.” Joss continued, mixing his drink with vigorous shakes.

The chocolate powder frothed unappetizingly.

He collected the rest of his things and arranged them neatly in his bag.

He deliberately ignored his brother’s inquisitive stare.

Joss loved basketball. He always had and always would. He rarely turned down a game, even when he was tired to the bone.

Boss knew that.

He wasn’t fooled by Joss’ feigned nonchalance.

“Sure, let’s do that,” Boss said anyway, his dark eyes never leaving his younger brother’s silhouette as he buzzed around the house.

Joss could feel it. His brother had shifted into protective mode. No matter how old he got, Boss was always there to protect him, just like when he was twelve and the other kids used to pick on him. Boss had been the one to chase them off, and to teach him that same day, how to stand up for himself.

“Great. I want to learn how to throw a mean uppercut. Could you teach me? There’s a punching bag in the gym I go to, and I’m sure they’d let us borrow some gloves.”

“Okay, then.”

Boss agreed easily, his eyes still sharp, inquisitive.

Joss shifted awkwardly, and he slid in his shoes in a hurry, determined to dodge the conversation that was waiting to happen.

“I gotta run. Do you have enough cash on you? If not, just grab some from the box in the kitchen.” Joss added, a hand already on the doorknob.

His brother nodded in thanks.

Joss was opening the door, ready to dash out, when his brother stood up from the couch.

“You know,” he said, joining him in the entryway, “You can talk to me if something is wrong, lil’ bro.”

Joss offered him a sheepish smile, moved despite himself.

“Yeah, I know.”

 

***

Contrary to what wise people usually preached, Joss discovered that violence could, in fact, solve problems, and boxing was an unexpected reprieve.

The discipline and mental strength it required were just what Joss hadn’t known he needed. He had punched a bag before, but had never been through a proper training session. After dipping his toe in the water with Boss and learning the basics, Joss had felt compelled to sign up with a professional coach. He came home exhausted, sore in places he hadn’t known existed, but his mind had never been clearer. That night’s sleep was one of the best he’d had in a while.

He could feel himself getting sharper and his punches growing more precise with every session. He came to love the new challenge, the structure, and the focus boxing gave him. So, when someone in his network offered him a spot in the third season of 10fight10, he did not hesitate long.

The prospect of the fight rekindled in him a fire that had been dormant for a long time, giving him a new goal to work towards. He was someone who thrived on challenges. When he didn’t have something to strive for, restlessness crept in, so it was with open arms that he welcomed the competition.

Getting ready for the 10fight10 meant that he barely had any time off. No time and energy to idle or question his life decisions… It was awesome.

He needed to thank his brother for introducing him to the sport.

Boss had flown back to the States. And even though he had tried to bring back the conversation on their way to the airport, they had not talked about Joss’ feelings. It was better that way.

Joss was doing great.

He felt amazing.

His boxing skills were improving every day, he was getting praised by his coaches for his progress, and he could feel himself getting stronger.

On top of that, his latest series, Nabi, My Step Darling, was a hit. With its success came a rise in Joss’ popularity, and more people began recognizing him in the streets. Individuals of all ages stopped him for pictures and autographs, and although he preferred keeping his life private, getting recognition for his work was exhilarating. Back in their hometown, his mother bragged endlessly, soaking up the praises about her handsome, famous son. Joss was proud to be a source of pride for his parents. They had given him so much, so it was nice to give back.

But, as always, his joy never lasted very long.

And just as he was finally back on top of his game, the reason for his previous anguish came knocking back like a boulder.

When he had heard that Gawin would be singing the series’ OST, he hadn’t known whether to laugh or cry.

It was as if the Universe was mocking him.

He had wished, had even asked Gawin to lend his voice for one of his series, and in a bittersweet turn of events, Life answered his prayers.

Gawin’s voice was beautiful as ever. His technique had improved, and he hit notes flawlessly, his voice gliding through the lyrics as he implored his lover to remember their story.

The words of the song were like a slap in the face.

A broken-hearted man asking his former lover if they still held memories of them… Alone in his apartment, and the TV screen paused on Gawin’s handsome face, Joss had quickly brushed away the tears that were forming in the corner of his eyes.

Oh, the irony.

Joss had felt every word like a stab in his chest.

He had watched the music video in a trance as Gawin sang, eyes filled with sorrow, the melody of Joss’ heart. After months of improvement, the crash was brutal. Joss, himself, had been shocked by the depth of the pain. His broken heart hadn’t truly healed. It was tightly bandaged, but still wounded, and with this song, a fresh tear split it open.

Feeling possessed by a sudden strike of masochism, he had done what he had avoided for so long and opened his phone to the texts they had exchanged.

There was not much.

The messages didn’t reflect the depth of their in-person interactions in the slightest, but with them came a flood of memories, an eruption of emotions that had been boiling under the surface for too long.

And, oh God, he missed him.

He missed him so much.

There were a few new pictures on Gawin’s Instagram profile.

Once, the sight of this angelic face had filled him with butterflies. Now, the fragile wings had turned into blades slicing him up from the inside.

Joss held up his phone, thumb brushing the soft curve of Gawin’s cheek on the screen.

Closing his eyes, he took a long breath.

There was no point in doing this.

He tapped the little heart underneath Gawin’s picture.

A silent, “You’re amazing. Thank you. I miss you.”

And goodbye.

After one last lingering look, Joss closed the app and deleted it from his phone.

***

Mama Gogo was a project he’d never thought he would tackle.

Playing a male stripper, dancing on stage with an audience full of women cheering as he grinded on the floor, was terrifying at first. He had seriously doubted he was the right fit for the role. Sure, he could move, but this role demanded more than shaking his hips. The director of the show, Jojo, had assured him that he would be perfect, so he had trusted him.

As it turned out, Jojo was absolutely right.

Once his inhibitions were turned off, slipping into this seductive character was second nature.

The classes had proven to him that he’d seriously underestimated his dancing skills, and the contrast between boxing and learning to strip kept things interesting. He’d not had this much fun on set in ages.

But, as he was starting to learn, no good thing came without a cost.

And with the thrill of Mama Gogo came… Podd.

Podd was not a bad person.

Joss had to admit, even if it irked him, that he actually was a pretty decent guy. So, when Joss learned that they would be screen partners, it was even more annoying that he couldn’t bring himself to hate the guy. He was sure that, if Podd hadn’t gotten involved with Gawin, they could have even been friends.

But that wasn’t the case, so Joss had settled on keeping a strictly cordial, professional relationship. Podd, clueless, had tried to get close to him, but Joss always managed to slip past him and avoid any unnecessary interactions.

Alas, their little game of cat-and-mouse could not last forever.

A team dinner was initiated by the director, and Joss was forced to attend. In an annoying turn of events, he was seated next to Podd at the table. Podd had come late to the restaurant, his hair messy and his complexion dull, and the only spot available left was next to Joss.

Joss had not missed how Podd had flinched when he’d realized that he would sit next to him.

So, the feeling was mutual.

Great.

The dinner was less painful than he had expected. He’d spent the majority of it talking to the other people around him, and the conversation that involved Podd rarely required them to interact directly. It wasn’t that Joss hated the guy. He just preferred to keep their interactions to a minimum. He didn’t enjoy how his guts twisted in jealousy whenever he looked at the older actor. The image of Podd caressing Gawin’s cheek and pulling him for a kiss flashed into his mind every time he saw his face.

The night unfolded in good spirits. Jojo, extremely proud of their work, babbling on and on about the unavoidable success of the series, showering the staff and actors with compliments, and pouring alcohol at an alarming speed. Joss had gladly participated in the festivities. The filming had brought all the cast a lot closer. It had been a great time, and he had made memories that he’d cherish for a long time. He had made lifelong friends on set.

Well, it had not gotten along with everyone, but that was irrelevant.

Disregarding this exception, the party was wonderful.

Empty bottles of liquor sat sporadically all over the table. Joss, himself, even though he had tried to keep his alcohol consumption reasonable, was still feeling a bit tipsy. So when someone suggested that they all play a game, he had cheered with the rest… a grave mistake.

As if they were in a bad teenage sitcom, Joss Wayar, about to turn 26 years old, found himself playing a game of Truth or Dare with a bunch of other grown adults.

Ciize, the terrible idea’s instigator, clapped her hands impatiently. She looked like she was up to no good, her smile devilish.

“I’ll go first,” she said with authority.

No one dared to oppose her.

“Toptap, truth or dare?”

Toptap had ingested more beers than he could count, his face alternating between green and bright red. When his name was called, he jumped, quickly slapping a hand on his mouth to prevent his insides from spilling on the table. He gaped at Ciize like she was holding him at gunpoint.

“…Dare,” he tentatively answered.

The actress pursed her mouth in disappointment. Given her sudden lack of enthusiasm, this was not the answer she had expected.

“Okay,” she said, tapping her chin with a red nail, a malicious grin returning on her features, “I dare you to get up on this chair and dance!”

Toptap colours dropped to white. He looked around with a dismayed expression. The restaurant was still buzzing with people, and even though their table was in a secluded corner, strangers were bound to catch his future humiliation.

“Now?” he asked, looking dejected.

“No, in ten years. Of course, now! Get up!”

Joss watched in sympathy as his coworker proceeded to bodyroll, replicating a shockingly accurate, considering his drunken state, part of a choreography they had learnt. The table cheered loudly, attracting the attention of other customers.

His dare completed, a mortified Toptap, was allowed to return to his chair and choose the next player, Perth, who had to reveal his most embarrassing moment on set. The game continued with several people coerced into disclosing a secret or performing ridiculous actions.

Joss watched with a distracted eye, hiding his laughter behind a glass and trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. He didn’t want to be the next victim of this dreadful game.

Podd, on his right, appeared a lot less fearful. Almost lying on the table, his head propped on an unstable fist, the older actor harbored a serene look. Swaying, he smiled at their colleagues’ stunts while seemingly battling sleep.

“Lightweight“, Joss thought pettily.

It was not fair. The other man had drunk a lot more than he had, and considering all the glasses Podd had downed, he really wasn’t doing so bad. But life wasn’t fair, and Joss was bitter.

“Podd!”

Guy, another actor, had turned to Podd with a strangely condemning finger. Guy, Joss had learnt, was of the type that men who got grumpier the more they drank, and his foul mood was now directed at Podd. Joss had always liked Guy. He was a cool dude. Very mature.

“Truth or Dare?” he continued, his brows furrowed, and the finger still pointed toward his target, wobbly.

Podd didn’t seem to be phased. With his lazy smile, he even seemed to find the situation amusing.

Tool.

“Truth,” Podd finally slurred after a while. Putting both of his elbows on the table, he leaned toward Guy, daring. Guy visibly faltered at his bravado, and Joss had to admit that it was kind of a cool move, damn it.

“Who do you like the best around this table?”

Podd laughed.

“Not you,” He answered finally, and Guy looked utterly offended. “I like Miss Tui Tui.”

The older actress he had just chosen raised her glass at him with a wink. Podd then proceeded to send her a flying kiss that she pretended to catch, before laying it over her heart.

Joss narrowed his eyes.

Even as a joke, how could Podd publicly flirt with someone when he already had someone in his life? Joss clicked his tongue disapprovingly. That was downright disrespectful. His mouth curved with disdain. He would have never done such a thing.

During all these filming months, he had tried to give the other man the benefit of the doubt, and he was still unsure if he deemed Podd to be an acceptable partner for Gawin. Podd had displayed professionalism and respect for his co-workers. He was patient, hardworking, and skilled. He tended, however, to be a little flirtatious. Joss had seen him charm his way out of situations and use his looks to gain others’ affection. It was never serious. Joss had never caught him doing something that he shouldn’t have… Some people just appeared more flirty than others, but it didn’t mean they were cheaters.

Joss poured himself a glass of ice-cold water.

…Still, it’s not right. Gawin deserves better.

At this moment, Joss decided that his dislike for the man was, after all, justified.

He chugged a mouthful of water.

He deserves so much better.

Deep in his contemptuous thoughts, he missed Podd turning toward him and calling his name.

It was only when Joss was called a second time that he noticed that all the eyes around the table, even Earth’s, who had previously been snoring, were looking at him.

“So, truth or dare?” Podd asked again, a smirk still glued to his mouth.

Joss swallowed thickly.

He had heard he was not the best at controlling his facial expressions, especially when he had been drinking, though he still pretended to be unbothered.

“Truth,” He answered with a long glare.

Annoyed that Podd wasn’t backing out of the staredown, Jook took another sip of water.

Podd raised his chin, defiant.

Joss lifted his chin in turn.

Then, Podd raised an eyebrow and leaned closer.

“Why do you hate me?” He asked, low and flat.

Joss almost spat his drink.

“Excuse me?” He managed to say after repressing a cough, his voice strangled.

“Why do you hate me?” Podd repeated, stressing each word.

Joss cowered when a dozen pairs of eager eyes locked on him, awaiting his answer. Perhaps had been less skilled than he had thought at hiding his aversion to the other actor. And, oh, that wasn’t a good look. Joss was mortified. He prided himself on his impeccable work ethic, and showing open dislike for another member of your team was definitely not professional.

He sucked an uneasy breath, feeling nauseous.

“I don’t-“

“Yes, you do.” Podd cut him immediately.

Crap, wasn’t he supposed to be drunk? Why was Podd so alert all of a sudden?

Joss took a deep inhale, collecting his thoughts and trying to suppress the myriad of curses his brain wanted to throw at Podd.

“I do not hate you.” He said again, holding the Podd’s stare.

Podd just gazed at him calmly, his disbelief obvious.

“I just… I just don’t think we share the same values,” Joss continued in a way that he hoped was neutral. He knew he had failed when Ciize raised a hand to her mouth with an audible gasp, her eyes darting from him to Podd like she was watching a tennis match.

Shit. Shit. Shit. This was not what he had meant. Well, yeah, it was what he had meant, but he hadn’t intended to share his mind so bluntly. Joss was trying to rummage his alcohol fuzzed brain for a valid explanation to his answer and blaming himself for drinking at all when Podd interrupted his train of thought.

“How so?”

Joss had a lot of answers to give back to this question, but none of them were nice or productive. He sat in silence for a while, pondering how to phrase his next response. He needed to diffuse the situation and move on. There was no point in getting caught up in the discussion.

“We just view life differently.” He finally answered carefully. “There is nothing wrong with that. It’s not about you. Our personalities just do not match.”

Podd observed him quietly, nodding along to his words.

Joss hoped, prayed, that he’d accept his explanation and let it go. He refused to argue with Podd in front of an audience, least of all at a team dinner. In a rush to move things along, he pointed randomly to the next player, but Podd persisted.

“You see, I just don’t think that’s right. I’d really like to get to the bottom of this, because we’ll probably have to work together again. I’m sorry if this is uncomfortable, but you kinda forced my hand, man. I can never catch you when we’re not on set. You avoid me like I have the plague or something.”

Podd enunciated every word with an eerie calmness that grated Joss’ nerves. Anger began to simmer in his stomach. He couldn’t deny any of Podd’s claims. They were all true. But calling out someone publicly wasn’t how you solved a problem. He had misjudged Podd. He had no idea the older actor could be this tactless.

Joss ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek, irritated.

How could he have known? He didn’t know the guy, hadn’t wanted to know the dude beyond his acting skills. Never in a million years would he have imagined he’d one day be confronted in front of so many eyes like he was some worthless piece of shit.

Was he in the wrong? Was he the asshole here?

“I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. It was never my intention,” Joss said, struggling to conceal his shame and annoyance. “I’d also like to apologize to anyone who might have felt uncomfortable because of me,” he added, feeling small. Resentful. “Podd, let’s talk later.”

Podd nodded at his words.

“Thank you,” he said, lacing his fingers solemnly over the table. “I appreciate it.”

Joss gave him a smile that did not reach his eyes.

After a tense few minutes, during which the other participants exchanged wary glances, the game resumed, but Joss’ mind was not in it anymore.

Feeling drained and dreading the conversation that was bound to happen, he left the table to get some fresh air.

Joss stopped a few paces away from the entrance. Other people were chatting outside, mostly smokers, who blew small clouds of smoke between sentences. The air was humid, tinged with tobacco, and the sky opaque with dark shadows. A storm was brewing.

Joss leaned back, stretching his neck toward the sky. He closed his eyes and breathed, attempting to chase the anger and the alcohol out of his system.

He could not believe what had just happened. Absurd. The whole situation was absurd, but Joss was no innocent. He had played a big part in it. He should have handled things better. He couldn’t let jealousy, because that’s what it was, jeopardize his career. Unthinkable.

He needed to make things right with Podd.

He’d apologize again, lie even if he had to. He could not let his feelings impact his work.

Podd had been right. Even though he strongly disapproved of how the other man had brought the matter up. Joss knew he was in the wrong.

Admitting it hurt.

Maybe Gawin had been right, maybe Podd was the better choice.

Joss sighed.

He had let his envy delude him into thinking that Podd was disloyal, but was that really the case? Podd hadn’t done anything inappropriate, and it wasn’t because his behaviour was not up to Joss’ standards that he was doing anything wrong. If Gawin didn’t see anything wrong with it, who was he to judge?

Joss filled his lungs with air.

He hadn’t thought about the singer in a long time. Usually, he pushed the thoughts away as soon as they surfaced, afraid that they might burn and turn his will to ashes. But now that they were here, he found that he couldn’t stop.

Gawin.

Gawin, beautiful Gawin… Gawin and his lovely smile. Gawin and his divine voice. Gawin, whose pretty eyes shone when he sang. Gawin, who had looked so upset when he’d gone into the car with Podd. Gawin, who had still grabbed the older man and pulled him in for a kiss…

Gawin. Gawin. Gawin.

Joss growled, pulling his hair.

All of a sudden, he felt a presence, and when he turned around, Podd was behind him, sitting on the sidewalk. He looked relaxed, hands in his pockets and face turned toward the thin crescent of the waning moon.

“So are you ready to talk to me?” He asked Joss, without looking at him.

No, he was not ready.

He didn’t want to talk.

He wanted to go home, sleep, and forget this night and his aching heart.

But did he have a choice?

He joined Podd on the sidewalk, dropping to the ground with a grimace. He was still sore from training the day before. He had bruises on his abs, his arms, and now, on his ego too.

“I’m sorry for putting you on the spot like that, but it was really bugging me, so I took a chance…” Podd resumed in a low voice.

He wasn’t smiling anymore, his face serious and expressionless. Joss couldn’t get a good read on him. Was he mad or just confused? The boxer shook his head. It didn’t matter, anyway. Joss bent his legs and leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. Now was not the time to get tangled in useless formalities. They needed to set things straight.

“I’m not a fan of how you handled things, but here we are…”

“Yeah, here we are,” Podd repeated.

A pause.

“You could have gotten me into trouble back there. Don’t bring personal issues into the workplace. If you need to say something, come to me.” Joss spat abruptly, hard and unforgiving. “You said you couldn’t catch me off set, that’s bullshit. If you really had wanted to, you could have talked to me anytime. Don’t use a game as a pretext to settle your problems. We’re not children.” With these words out of his chest, Joss breathed easier. He continued in a more level tone. “I’m sorry if I acted like an asshole. It won’t happen again.”

Podd took the blow without an objection.

He was still not looking at Joss.

They stayed silent for what felt like an eternity.

Little droplets of rain started falling, spraying the concrete with dark little spots. They were close enough to the restaurant to be protected by the roof’s overhang.

The tip-tap of the raindrops filled the tense silence.

Soon, they were alone, the smokers rushing to take cover inside the restaurants as the rain started pouring heavier.

When Podd finally broke the silence, it was again with a sentence that took Joss by surprise. He was thankful to be sitting, or he might have lost his balance and his composure.

“So, is it about Fluke?” Podd deadpanned.

Joss gaped at him, his neck twisting with an audible click.

“What?”

Podd only tilted his head to the side, looking in the distance, seemingly lost in thought.

“You know, I’ve thought about this a lot.” He said after a painful stretch of silence. “I kept wondering what I did wrong, because you get along with everyone. Everybody raves about how great a person you are, how kind and professional.” The last words dripped with spite. “I just couldn’t find, for the life of me, what I’d done to get on your bad side… We’d never talked past pleasantries, and you didn’t seem hostile in the rare instances we did talk… So, I kept thinking, and I remembered tiny little details. I remembered seeing you in the parking lot.”

Joss was speechless.

“You saw me?”

Of course, Podd could have seen him. At the time, he hadn’t even thought about hiding, too shocked and frustrated to care.

“Yeah. You looked upset.” Podd finally turned to look at him. Undecipherable. “But it took me a while to put two and two together. So, I was right? It is about Fluke. Gawin.”

Joss couldn’t repress a flinch when he heard the name out of the actor’s mouth. Podd sneered at his reaction, that was all the answer he needed.

“I see.”

There was a dark glint in his eyes.

He hunched over, putting his elbows on his knees, mimicking Joss.

“We are not together anymore.” Podd’s voice sounded strained. Off. It was just above a whisper, almost muffled by the sound of the rain. Joss doubted he’d heard correctly for a second.

“Oh.”

Oh.

A happy flutter warmed his insides.

“We never dated, actually. We don’t even see each other much anymore.”

Podd rubbed his hand over his mouth, as if trying to wipe the words off.

Joss wanted to pump his fist in joy.

His elation must have shown on his face because the older actor snorted.

“Man, you don’t have to look so happy about it. You look like a kid on Christmas.” Podd said with a sardonic smile. Then, he furrowed his brows, his expression stiffening.

“Hmm. So, you were never a couple?” Joss asked, forcing his expression into a blank mask.

“Nope. Not really.”

“Ah.”

“So you don’t have to hate me anymore,” Podd added, standing up.

He patted his thighs like his legs were restless or numb.

Joss didn’t answer. Letting the words sink in. Sink into his mind. Into his heart.

“I’m sorry.” He said instead.

He wasn’t sure why he was apologizing, but it seemed right. Perhaps he was apologizing for unjustifiably acting like an ass before, or because he had indeed hated Podd a little. He would never like the guy, but Podd hadn’t deserved the animosity… And also, maybe, he was apologizing because Podd looked sad.

“It could not work out between us, anyway. Not like this.”

“Why? Why couldn’t it work out?”

Podd’s mouth remained shut.

Thunder rumbled.

He extended an open palm toward Joss.

A peace offering.

Joss got up and took the offered hand.

“I’m sorry.” He said again for what felt like the thousandth time, and they shook hands on these last words. “Let’s go back inside or the others will think that we’re clawing at each other’s throats.” Joss grimaced. He really didn’t want any more gossip to be spread about him.

Podd pushed the door of the restaurant. The little bell hanging over the door chimed. He stopped in the doorway, keeping the door half-open as he turned around one last time, indecipherable.

“You’ll have to do better than that if you want to win him over.”

Rain was still falling. The raindrops were cleansing away the heat and the tension that had crippled Joss’ senses.

“I know,” Joss said as he followed the other actors inside the restaurant.

He had to do better.

He couldn’t believe he had given up.

He had put himself through misery and heartbreak when there had been no reason to… They were never together.

But what did that kiss mean?

He’d been foolish, blinded by pride and jealousy…

What happened between them?

He had not even taken the time to sort things out with Gawin. Perhaps, he could have just asked.

What if…

Joss shook away the intrusive thoughts.

I miss him.

I like him.

I want him.

Him. Him. Him…

Gawin.

“I will not give up again”, Joss thought resolutely as he sat back at the table, welcomed by the questioning stares of his colleagues. He gave them a reassuring smile in return.

I will do whatever it takes.

No matter what happens, I will be part of his life.

No regrets.

If life had taught anything that night, it was to never assume and to keep pursuing what he wanted. He’d already given up twice. There wouldn’t be a third time. “Lesson learned,” he thought, full of bittersweet resolve. Unless Gawin outright rejected him, he would never give up on him again.

You’ll have to do better than that, Podd had told him.

Outside, rain was pouring, unleashing torrents of thunderous water over the city.

He would.