Chapter 4

From this point on, Joss’ life acquired new colors.

Suddenly, notes of sweetness filled the air, food was tastier, and the world took on more vibrant shades. Every day, Joss woke up with a smile on his face, his mood lifted to such heights that it sometimes felt like he was living in a dream, floating around, transported by a heart inflated with helium. His friends and coworkers alike had commented on his new demeanor, declaring that he shone with a new kind of glow. They often found him smiling at his phone screen or looking hazily at nothing in particular.

Joss was happy.

Unbearably happy.

And this overwhelming joy could be attributed to one sole factor: he was making progress.

Since the basketball match, the rift between Gawin and him had considerably reduced. A new door had opened. He used to feel like a worthless passerby locked out of the fortress that was Gawin’s world. Desperate, he had flapped his arms in hopes of getting a whiff of attention, knocking and kicking on the immovable steel gate, trying to throw rocks over the stone fence, only to be hit by the rebound. But, in an unexpected turn of events, Gawin Caskey’s kingdom finally allowed him into its radiant, warm streets where he was free to wander and explore.

Gawin and Joss were not close, not yet.

The former was still locked in a faraway castle surrounded by countless obstacles, but something had shifted. Joss could feel the change like sweet static charging the air.

Gawin was still not a good texter.

He took forever to answer the most basic questions, answered a call out of three, and only called back hours, if not days, later. However, a contact was now established, an offered hand that Joss clutched on like a lifeline.

Months passed without any major change, but Joss was filled with hope.

Then, one day, the stars aligned, and they somehow found themselves having vocal lessons one after another weekly.

This time, Joss was scheduled after Gawin.

Delighted, he made a big deal out of arriving sooner to the class just to eavesdrop on Gawin’s singing, coming just a few minutes after the former’s class had begun to enjoy his velvety voice to his heart’s content (even if that meant sitting outside the room for almost an hour).

Joss was used to taking care of his appearance, but on these particular Tuesdays, he was especially meticulous. His hair was carefully styled with waxed fingers, he wore his most expensive cologne, and chose clothes that emphasized the toned muscles he had worked so hard to carve.

Joss could sometimes feel Gawin’s eyes on him.

He was eighty percent sure it was not his delusion talking.

Most men usually looked at him with awe or envy, some with desire, lust twinkling in their eyes, and Joss was pretty much sure that Gawin was part of the second group.

One time, he had even caught the singer in the act.

Gawin’s brown eyes had traced a heedful line from Joss’ flexed bicep to his chest, where the fabric of his shirt stretched over his pectoral muscles and ended on Joss’s face… Then, their eyes met. The stare had been subtle, quick, and if Joss had not himself been so focused on the singer, he would have completely missed it. The rosiness on Gawin’s cheeks and the way his Adam’s apple had bobbed as he looked away had turned Joss into a stuttering mess.

Stunned, he had been forced to excuse himself to the bathroom to temper his aching erection. Gawin’s shiny lips, the soft curve of his neck, and his pretty eyes overrunning his every thought… Joss had ended up with his hand deep in his boxers and a fist in his mouth to prevent the obscene sounds that bubbled in his throat.

He hadn’t even felt shame afterwards because Gawin wanted him.

Gawin wanted to fuck him.

Nothing else had mattered at this moment.

That and the orgasm that followed the revelation.

Yes, Joss felt like the world had opened to him, that he could conquer anything and anyone.

He felt on top of the world.

So when Professor Green prompted them to have a class together, Joss wondered if divine forces were working in his favour and seriously considered buying a lottery ticket. He had planned to suggest the idea to their teacher, but in the end, the opportunity was presented to him on a silver platter.

“Joss, you’re a punctual boy, but you come even earlier these days! Don’t think I didn’t notice!” The professor had confronted him with a pointed look once Gawin had left for the day. “Something tells me it’s for our dear Fluke…”

Joss, stiff as a ramrod, pretended to be busy sorting music sheets.

“I’m just trying to avoid traffic.”

Professor Green raised a skeptical eyebrow.

 

***

 

The joint class was a success.

Overtly eager to listen to Gawin sing from up close, Joss had forgotten that he, too, would have to participate. He had not planned on displaying his abysmal skills to his crush, but both the young American and their teacher were kind and encouraging throughout the class. By the end of it, Joss felt that he had not only had a great time in Gawin’s company but that he also had made a lot of progress. Unwilling to disappoint Gawin, his focus had been steely. The two thumbs up Gawin had thrown his way after the class were a delightful reward.

Unfortunately, Joss was not able to seize this opportunity to ask Gawin to hang out after their lesson. His schedule was packed. These days, he had no time for leisure, always rushing to his next filming destination or photoshoot. Never one to complain about a heavy workload, Joss was grateful for his current success, but as a result, the development of his relationship with the singer was impaired. For the first time in years, he longed for things to slow down.

Thus, when on his birthday, Gawin stepped into the class holding two adorable cupcakes, eyes sparkling over candle lights and singing in his honour, Joss started thinking he had become God’s favourite. Struck by the apparition, he had clapped along, grinning from ear to ear, trying his best not to act a fool while their teacher filmed the surprise.

As Gawin held out the tiny platter for him to blow the candles, Joss wished, his heart leaping in joy, to spend all his next birthdays in the presence of this wonderful human being.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.”

Joss finally managed to say, breathless.

Gawin stood there sheepishly, his hands on his waist, whilst Joss attempted to cut the small cakes into equal portions. He nodded, eyes crinkling in shy playfulness.

“Did you have any idea?” He asked, tilting his head to the side and accepting the offered piece of vanilla cake.

“No clue.”

Joss held his piece of cake up to Gawin, who bumped his own against it in a silent cheer. He took a bite, closing his eyes in delight when sweetness exploded in his mouth. On a strict diet during filming, he had not had dessert in a long time, and carbs were strictly limited, but today would need to be an exception. The cake tasted heavenly on his tongue, the flavours especially enjoyable with Gawin sitting in front of him.

“It’s really, good. I think this might become my new favorite cake.”

Gawin gave him a cheeky smile, satisfied. “Glad you like it. I’m sorry, but this was a bit of a last-minute plan, so I don’t have any gift prepared.”

Joss was about to retort that the gesture was more than enough when an idea crossed his mind.

“You could sing for me.”

Gawin furrowed his eyebrows, stopping mid-chew, his right cheek comically full.

“I already did!”

Joss shook his head, swallowing a teasing remark.

“Not a birthday song. A real one.” He said, sucking a sugar crystal stuck on his thumb and noticing Gawin’s eyes tracking the movement. Joss smirked before adding, “A performance, just for me.”

Gawin looked away, nodding his head slowly, considering the idea.

“Sure, okay.” He finally conceded after a few seconds. “What should I sing then?”

Joss, taken aback by how easily Gawin had surrendered to his request, was rendered speechless. He had asked without any expectations, convinced that Gawin would turn him down with a joke like he often did with things he wasn’t comfortable with. Joss crumpled the cupcake wrapper in his fist, his hand trembling slightly.

“Whatever you want.”

Gawin seemed lost for a moment, but then he turned to their teacher, who was helping himself to another piece of cake. “Can you help me, Professor? Let’s do the one we have been practicing together.”

Nodding with enthusiasm, P’Green sat behind the piano. Joss shifted on the floor, cross-legged, to get a better view of Gawin, who had stepped behind the mic.

His mouth opened expectantly, and his gut twisting with anticipation, Joss felt the skin of his arm erupt in goosebumps when the first notes of the piano echoed in the room, quickly followed by Gawin.

 

Saying “I love you”  

Is not the words I want to hear from you  

It’s not that I want you   

Not to say but if you only knew

 

How easy, it would be to show me how you feel  

More than words is all you have to do to make it real   

Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me   

‘Cause I’d already know

 

What would you do  

If my heart was torn in two?  

More than words to show you feel  

That your love for me is real   

What would you say  

If I took those words away?  

 

Then you couldn’t make things new   

Just by saying “I love you”

 

La-di-da, da-di-da  

Di-dai-dai-da  

More than words  

La-di-da, da-di-da

 

Now that I’ve tried to  

Talk to you and make you understand  

All you have to do is close your eyes

And just reach out your hands and touch me

 

Hold me close, don’t ever let me go   

More than words is all I ever needed you to show   

Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me   

‘Cause I’d already know

 

What would you do  

If my heart was torn in two?  

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say  

 

If I took those words away?  

Then you couldn’t make things new

Just by saying “I love you”

 

 

***

 

 

After the class, as they walked to their respective cars, Joss was lost in his thoughts, the lyrics of the song playing in a loop in his brain. Was Gawin trying to give him a message, or was it just a coincidence? Joss had no idea, but something was sure: he needed to take action if he wanted their relationship to evolve.

For now, he would welcome any crumb Gawin would throw his way. Any bit of stardust that escaped from Gawin’s fortress perched high in the sky would suffice.

So, with an air of déjà vu, they stood once again in a parking lot.

Only this time, the sun was out, albeit hidden behind thick white clouds.

A thin breeze brushed Gawin’s hair, the strands curtaining his eyes.

Sometimes he wore glasses, the two frames sitting on his nose, making him look soft and vulnerable. Joss disliked his own glasses, preferring to wear contact lenses most of the time, but looking at Gawin, he understood why people fancied people who wore them.

“You have an amazing voice. When you release your first album, I’ll be the first to buy it.”

Gawin looked away, chuckling to hide his embarrassment. He was doing this shy little thing when he folded on himself, his shoulders bending forward endearingly. Joss wanted to tease him and shower him in compliments till his whole body became crimson, and all he could manage were gleeful giggles.

“Oh, really? Then maybe I’ll even sign it for you.”

“What an honour. If I’m ever in trouble, I’ll be able to sell it for a fortune.”

Joss joked, knowing very well that if it were to happen, he would cherish the gift for a lifetime.

Gawin scrunched his nose in a mock-upset attitude.

“I take it back. No autographs for you.”

Without him paying attention, Joss had led them to a vending machine.

“I’m thirsty, do you want something?” Joss offered, opening his backpack to get his wallet.

“I’m good, thank you.”

“You’re sure?”

Gawin nodded, balancing from toe to heel, hands deep in his pockets as he observed Joss.

Joss would have given anything to be able to read minds at this moment. The singer was a mystery, and even though he felt closer, getting to know him on a personal basis was arduous, a succession of trials and errors. These days, he seemed to be on a winning streak, but he dreaded the day when the ball would inevitably fall. Resolute to delay that moment for as long as possible, he treaded carefully with his next approach.

Gawin started in surprise when Joss pushed an ice-cold can of sweet, black coffee against his arm.

“It’s a thank-you gift. For the song,” Joss explained without looking, putting another coin in the machine and selecting a bottle of water, which fell into the vending machine’s basket with a thump.

Gawin took the offered can with both hands, eyebrows close to his hairline.

Taking a mouthful of water, Joss gave him a lopsided smile.

“You can drink it later. I know you like those,” Joss continued.

He had indeed seen Gawin walk around holding a can of that same brand a few times before.

“Thanks,” Gawin answered sheepishly, accepting the gift with gratitude.

They remained in comfortable silence for a few beats before Joss broke it.

“Now, you have to give me a gift to thank me for my thank you gift.”

Gawin burst out in laughter, his shoulder shaking with the sound.

“What kind of logic is that?”

Joss eyed him over the rim of his bottle, smug.

“I don’t make the rules.”

There was a glimmer of mischief in Gawin’s eye, and Joss had to bite his lips to prevent himself from smiling wider. There was something about Gawin that made him feel oddly at ease, giddy, like a child. They didn’t need to talk or do anything for Joss to feel washed with peace. Gawin’s presence was enough to bring him joy. The sky was dull, but he had a sun right before him.

Suddenly reminded of the time, he unhappily checked his watch. He needed to leave soon or he would be late for his shoot.

“Do you hear about the next basketball event GMMTV is holding?” He readily inquired.

Gawin seemed to have changed his mind about the drink, cracking the can open, and was now sipping his coffee with a pleased, serene expression. Joss figured he would seem rather strange if he snapped a picture of the singer right there. Out of a better option, he captured the instant in his mind instead.

Gawin widened his eyes questioningly at the scrutiny.

“Ah, yes, but I have not registered yet.”

Caught red-handed, Joss looked away, crouched, and started fiddling with his backpack, making a show of shoving his water inside and searching for his car keys.

“Do you want to be part of my team? You, Luke and I,” He said, eyes lowered. “With the three of us, we’ll be unbeatable.”

“Oh, so now you want to extort gifts from me AND use me for my basketball skills?”

Looking up at Gawin, who was smirking playfully at him.

“If you help us win, I’ll consider us even.”

Gawin pretended to think for a few seconds, rubbing his chin.

“Then, I guess I can’t miss this opportunity.”

Joss’s answering smile was dazzling.

“Good. I’ll text you the details.” Joss checked out the time once again. Now, he was sure to be late. “I gotta go. Thank you again for the cake. And the song.”

“Anytime.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

 

 

***

 

 

“I can’t believe you’re making me third wheel your little date. You’re heartless.”

“Oh, come on! It’s not a date.”

“But you want it to be!”

Joss had nothing to answer to that.

Luke shook his head in mock annoyance. Both of them were wearing their basketball uniforms, waiting for the last member of their team to show up. Gawin was running late, and Joss worried that he would not be able to make it. He had texted the singer, and so far, hadn’t gotten a response. Assuming the young American was driving, and couldn’t text back, Joss had suggested they wait near the private entrance of the stadium. Oddly anxious, Joss scanned the horizon, searching for Gawin’s silhouette.

“He’s fifteen minutes late,” he noticed, tapping his foot impatiently.

He was certain Gawin was not the type to bail on people at the last minute.

What if he had gotten into an accident?

Luke sighed beside him. Then, grabbed Joss by the shoulders and massaged the tense muscles firmly, like a coach preparing his protégé for a fight.

“Just promise me you won’t make out in the locker room.” He said solemnly, succeeding in getting out a laugh out of Joss.

“I would not with a little perv like you around. You’d try to peep on us!”

“You know I don’t swing that way, but if you put on a show…” Luke drawled and wiggled his eyebrows. “I’m just a man and Gawin is really pretty.”

Joss wriggled out of his best friend’s grasp and pushed him away.

“I changed my mind. I don’t want you in this team anymore. Go home.”

Luke cackled.

“Too late! And look who’s coming!”

Luke waved as a car passed by them, Gawin behind the wheel. They followed it to a parking spot. Gawin climbed out of the vehicle in white jerseys, their competition outfit. Joss noticed that he had styled his hair. He rarely did when he was not filming, preferring to sport his natural fluffy look. But today, his locks were parted neatly in the middle, his skin radiant.

They greeted, bumping fists. Since he had spotted Gawin, Joss could not tear his gaze away. He helped the singer retrieve his bag from the trunk and offered to carry it. The three of them walked to the stadium, where a large group of people, staff, and audience alike were gathered.

“Are you ready to kick some asses?” Joss asked Gawin as they walked side to side, Luke trailing lazily behind them.

“Yeah, but don’t expect too much from me. I haven’t had much time to practice. I’m a bit rusty.”

Gawin had a jittery spring to his steps. Joss realized that he was nervous. Stopping in his tracks in front of the court, he pressed a palm in the small of Gawin’s back. “You’ll do great.” He said, conforting, and Gawin turned to meet his eye, his posture looking a bit more relaxed.

“Yeah, we’re going to crush it.” He declared, with a lopsided grin.

He looked young.

Joss smiled back.

A staff member approached them with a basket full of badges, breaking their silent exchange. Joss grabbed three, handing one to Luke. Then, he turned to Gawin and slid the badge around his neck. Gawin obliged without complaints, bending his head to grant him better access. With the movement, a whiff of his shampoo hit Joss, who raised his eyes to the sky, resigned.

“I’m so gone,” he thought, smoothing the lanyard of the badge and resisting the urge to kiss the top of Gawin’s head. He took a step back and folded his hands in front of him. When the singer beamed at him, the snake that coiled around Joss’ stomach whenever the singer was around stirred.

“Let’s go.”

Joss said, leading Gawin to their side of the court to wait for the beginning of the game. Luke, who had watched the scene with a disgusted expression, pulled Joss backward to mutter in his ear:

“Right in front of my salad?”

 

 

***

 

 

After a lot of shed sweat, they ended up victorious. Joss had not been wrong in his assumptions. They were a terrific team, and the three of them had dominated the court. Their play styles complemented each other beautifully.  Showered and already changed into regular clothes, Gawin’s frame disappearing in a large forest green hoodie, they were waiting for Luke to finish getting ready, excitedly discussing the games they had just played . Gawin was elated, his joy so infectious that Joss’ cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. Not wanting this great moment to end so quickly, Joss burst out with an idea.

“Let’s go celebrate our victory! I’m paying!” Joss exclaimed.

“Meat?” Gawin suggested.

“What else?”

Gawin threw him two thumbs up and started shoving his belongings into his bag. Luke appeared at the same moment, looking ready to take off.

“I can’t tonight, I’ll leave you two to it,” he declared, already walking toward the exit.

Joss stared at his friend, surprised.

“Really? It’s a one-time offer, man.” He added with a raised eyebrow that Luke dismissed him with a wave.

“Of course, you want to pay when I have plans already… I’m meeting my girlfriend, but you two can have my share of beef.” Luke pouted, then quickly bumped his fist against Gawin’s and crossed the doorway. “Good game, tonight, guys. Gawin, it was nice seeing you. We should play again sometimes.”

The singer looked as startled as Joss by Luke’s fast retreat.

“Yeah, definitely! Thanks for the invite.”

“Oh, it’s all thanks to this big guy here!” Luke retorted, pointing at his best friend with a snicker. “See you later! Do not have too much fun without me!”

Winking, Luke left, vanishing behind a corner.

Joss sneered at the spot previously occupied by his friend, well-aware of his schemes. Luke’s girlfriend was away on a trip, so there was no way he was meeting her. It was very unlike Luke to pass on an opportunity to gorge on free meat even to give Joss a chance to have a one-on-one dinner with Gawin. Joss was almost moved. He would need to pay his friend back later.

He must really be rooting for me…Or, I’m that pathetic.

“So, where are we going?” Gawin asked behind him, looking up at him under the rim of his cap.

Joss took a short breath to alleviate his nerves, troubled by the singer’s sudden proximity and the prospect of spending time alone with him.

“It’s not a date”, he chanted in his mind.

It’s not a date, but if you want a chance to have one, don’t fuck this up.

“I know a barbecue place, not far from here. Can we take your car? Luke drove me here.”

“Sure. Let’s go!”

 

***

 

 

The ride to the barbecue restaurant was nice. At first tense, Joss had quickly relaxed when Gawin went back to reminiscing about the game’s highlights, babbling with enthusiasm, punctuating each story with wide hand gestures. Joss had never heard him talk so much.

“And when Luke gave you that pass and you scored that two-point! It was so good, man. You were so fast, it was insane! I didn’t think you would score it!”

Joss preened under the praises.

The car slowed down to a little cluster of restaurants, their neon signs glowing in the night, and pictures of mouth-watering dishes showcased on the windows. Inside, the restaurant was buzzing with patrons, lively but not enough to be suffocating. Joss was used to frequenting the place with his friends. The owners, a lovely couple in their sixties, always reserved a quiet spot for him, hidden from prying eyes. They had taken a liking to him ever since he had signed a picture for their daughter.

“I can’t believe you had so little faith in me.” Joss teased as Gawin parked close to the entrance.

“Well, it was a tricky shot. Next time, I’ll know better than to doubt you.” There was a focused line on his brow as he maneuvered the wheel, hitting reverse. Joss observed him, arms crossed. The car was filled with Gawin’s scent: soft, woody, herbal notes with just a hint of sweetness. A figurine of a character Joss had never seen before dangled from the rearview mirror.

“So there will be a next time, then?” Joss enquired as the car came to a stop.

The question floated in the air.

Joss noticed the slight widening of Gawin’s eyes. His hand stuttered over his seatbelt before he finally managed to unplug it. There’s a hidden meaning in Joss’ question, that he was sure, based on his reaction, Gawin had caught on. Of course, he didn’t want to come on too strong, but they got along well. The singer seemed receptive to his flirting, their banter oscillating on a fine line between friendly teasing and flirtation. Joss, who had turned his eyes to the restaurant in front of them, risked a look at Gawin, who was staring him with questions in his eyes. Joss held his gaze. Tension rose in the enclosed vehicle. The engine was off, and so was the AC. Hot air sipped through the vents. Joss felt like he was suffocating, hanging on Gawin’s lips, on the words that he hoped Gawin would utter.

Gawin broke the tension with a chuckle, pupils shifting away.

“Mmh, maybe if you promise to play nice.”

He opened the door and got out, slamming it behind him.

Joss sucked a short breath, his emotions tumbling and feeling oddly excited.

“I always do,” he said under his breath before joining Gawin.

 

 

***

 

 

Sharing a meal with Gawin was as thrilling as it was comforting. Sitting in front of him as they chatted over great food, sharing anecdotes about their love for basketball, their favorite teams, most listened-to songs, and their careers felt a bit surreal. Joss would have never fathomed, a year prior, that they would talk so amicably with one another. Gawin was all that he dreamed of and more, showcasing a witty, cheeky side that he had been lucky to discover before.

We’re a good match, Joss thought as he watched Gawin shove a piece of perfectly cooked beef in his mouth with a delighted sound. Joss had taken on most of the grilling, laying the pieces of meat carefully on the fire in front of them and ensuring that the largest and juiciest pieces of meat were on Gawin’s side.

They had talked for hours, the meal lasting long into the night until the establishment emptied to just a few occupied tables. The skin of their abdomen stretched indescently as they both laid back in their chairs, content.

Gawin threw his head back, closing his eyes with a sigh, the long stretch of his neck exposed. Joss wet his lips, another kind of appetite settling in his loins.

“I’m so full, man. You’re going to have to make me roll to my car.” Gawin complained, a hand on his middle.

Joss laughed, then stretched his legs under the table. His foot accidentally bumped onto Gawin’s chair.

But the young American showed no reaction, keeping his eyes shut, breath long and heavy, at ease.

“Will you be able to drive home? We didn’t even have alcohol, but you look drunk.” Joss joked, his foot still resting on the chair’s leg. He wiggled his toe teasingly under the table. The tip of his sneaker hit the chair a couple of times, nearly brushing bare skin.

“I’ll manage.”

Gawin moved to rest his elbows on the table, laying his head on his folded arms. He looked sleepy, soft, and so kissable. Joss crossed his arms over his chest to keep his untrustworthy fingers in check.

“Are you sure? I can drive you home and take a cab back.” He offered, concerned but also unable to bear the idea of the night ending.

“Yeah. I’m a big, responsible boy. I can get home by myself.”

Gawin didn’t look so big and strong at that moment, his lid heavy with sleep and his skin rosy. Despite his deepest desire, Joss stood up, letting out a tired grunt.

“Then, let’s go big boy unless you want to crash here.”

He went to the counter to pay, leaving Gawin to gather his things. The owner greeted him again with profuse courtesy, inquiring about his meal and complimenting their appetite. Joss refused the large discount the owner offered him. Gawin, who joined them halfway through the conversation, laughed at their polite back-and-forth. After some debate, Joss finally swiped his card, falsely promising to accept complimentary service another time.

The tepid humid air of the night welcomed them as they stepped out of the restaurant.

They leaned against the cement wall as they waited for Joss’ cab, Gawin insisting to see Joss off.

“You know so many people,” Gawin said out of the blue.

A group of drunk university students sauntered a few meters away, cackling loudly and bumping into each other.

Joss didn’t know what to do with that statement.

“I guess,” he finally answered. Gawin’s long lashes were curving elegantly over his cheeks, a fan of dark, luscious strands that cast hypnotizing shadows on his skin. “Why?”

Gawin shrugged, his gaze following the drunken group as one of them almost toppled to the floor under the laughter of his peers.

Gawin shook his head evasively.

“No reason. I didn’t think you were such a social butterfly. I thought you were more on the quiet side, like me.”

Joss wanted to retort that Gawin had not been quiet all night, babbling endlessly about various subjects, his eyes lit with excitement.

Gawin let out a short breath that almost sounded like a laugh.

“Do you know people call me, ‘the caveman’?” he added, pursing his mouth in a self-depreciating amusement.

Joss stayed silent, waiting to hear where Gawin was leading this conversation.

“I like being alone. I’m used to it, so I don’t have that many friends. It’s always surprising to me how people like you can navigate around so many people.”

Gawin’s posture was relaxed, hands playing with the hem of his hoodie, his fingers absently grasping invisible strands. Their shoulders were pressed together as they both rested their weight against the wall, Gawin’s warmth seeping through the fabric of his clothes, the point of contact like a furnace against Joss’ bare skin.

Joss’ breath stammered when Gawin turned to gaze at him, a slight smile playing on his face.

“What I mean is… Thank you for today. I had fun.”

The singer grinned at him, canines showing in an adorable, feline-like way. Joss’ pulse raced, his heart rebelling, trying to beat out of his chest. Ears buzzing with the loud pumping in his veins, Joss found himself confused, thoughts clouded. Unconsciously, he leaned closer, their faces coming just inches apart. The rumble of the city faded away as his focus zeroed on the man next to him. He had never noticed the mole on Gawin’s bottom lip before. What would it be like to kiss it? What would it taste like on his tongue?

Gawin pressed his lips together, angling his head back, his eyebrows flying to his hair as he noticed the sudden proximity. Joss, noticing the slight retreat, searched the other man’s face for answers. Was he the only one feeling this, right now? Gawin wasn’t moving away anymore, suspended in time, lips parted and body frozen in anticipation.

I really want to kiss you. Please, can I kiss you? Joss silently screamed.

Gawin let out a small high-pitched sound in the back of his throat, mouth trembling. In this instant, Joss became acutely aware of his every little movement: the way Gawin’s eyes fluttered, the slight dilatation of his pupils, the way his pink tongue peeked out from behind his perfect teeth, shuffling like a caged animal. Joss could set it free. He could let it roam inside his mouth as much as it wanted.

Please, he silently asked again, please.

Gawin swallowed thickly. His breath caressed Joss’ lips, the last string holding his sanity breaking in the process.

“I -” He started feverishly, when a bright light suddenly hit them, making them wince. A car was approaching, lights pointed in their direction. The driver honked, then a bald-headed man poked his head out of the driver’s window.

“Joss?” The man asked.

Oh, right. His cab.

“It’s your call,” Gawin stuttered, putting space between them and retreating to his car. “Thank you for today,” He repeated, voice coarse, husky.

Joss slowly rose back up from where he was leaning on the wall, resentful for the sudden apparition of the cab. They’re never that quick when you actually need them to , he thought bitterly. But admitting defeat, he wrapped his trembling hands around the straps of his backpack.

“I’ll text you,” he said, dragging his feet to the taxi.

Gawin gave him a stiff wave.

Joss couldn’t help but smile at the cute display he made. Gawin’s ears were red, his hair mussed by the wind, and his hands hidden in the sleeves of his too-large hoodie.

“Yeah. S-Sure. Okay.”

As the cab drove away, Joss observed Gawin’s shrinking silhouette as he entered his car, body moving like a wooden figurine.

Joss rubbed his dry lips, the sensitive skin prickling where Gawin’s breath had tickled them.

 

 

***

 

The almost kiss hung in Joss’ mind for the following days.

Flashes of long lashes, perfect lips, and searing breath coming to him more frequently than he was comfortable admitting to himself.

The memories were especially vibrant in the first hours of the day. His dreams got even more vivid, and so did the haunting presence. Now, it was undeniable that the man inhabiting his fantasies was Gawin, his features strikingly clear even in his slumber.

Sometimes, he dreamed about pinning Gawin against a wall and continuing what they had started, ravishing his mouth, capturing the tantalizing tongue between his lips, leaving hot, bruising trails on Gawin’s jaw, and getting him to make that soft throaty sound again and again. Other times, they were back in the locker room after that first basketball game, Joss jumping in surprise as arms circled around his waist, warm hands settling on his abdomen, and a hardness pressing against his bare skin. He was then pushed to his knees, the shower stream pouring on his head, forcing his eyes closed, but he resisted the stinging sensation, raising drenched eyelashes to meet Gawin’s eye as the singer parted Joss’ lips open with a thumb and pushed his length inside…

Joss was slowly losing it, and it was getting worse as his frustration grew.

His schedule was even more packed than usual. He barely had any time to sleep between filming, interviews, and photoshoots. Unfortunately, his vocal lessons had to be pushed back until his schedule cleared again, which meant he had not seen Gawin in weeks.

They had texted a few times, but it couldn’t compare to the connection they had when they were face to face. Their conversations often fell short and awkward, dying in a standstill.

It all felt too impersonal, cold.

It was not enough.

Joss needed to see Gawin’s face.

He had pondered driving to Gawin’s place to catch a glimpse of him, but he had no idea where he lived. He did not feel confident enough to ask Gawin for his address, the idea feeling especially strange since Gawin’s answers to his messages had started becoming distant. Joss was seriously considering throwing his pride and care out of the window and sending a confession paragraph or a dozen red roses to Gawin’s manager just to make sure the singer would not slip out of his fingers.

In the end, exactly twenty-five days after the almost-kiss incident, a slot in Joss’ agenda cleared up, and restless, he begged his manager to keep it empty so he could finally meet Gawin.

Joss had no plan and no idea what he was going to say when he finally saw Gawin. His only certitude being that he needed to be near the singer, desperately craving his presence like a sprout chasing a ray of sun.

And so, on a scorching Tuesday afternoon, Joss walked to their vocal class. He was dressed, as he often did, in an all-black outfit, a matching hat secured on his head and a can of sweet iced-coffee in his hand.

The building’s guardian welcomed him warmly as he passed by, praising his new series. Much of the man’s time at work was spent with his eyes glued to a small television, where he watched reruns of his favourite shows. Accustomed to seeing the actors he admired on TV walking in and out of the building, he had built significant relationships with them, and his critiques were often surprisingly insightful. Joss enjoyed talking to him and the man’s office was conveniently placed at the only exit of the building. It was the perfect spot to catch Gawin as he came out of his lessons.

Gawin was running a bit late, but it wasn’t unusual for him and Professor Green to keep discussing topics long after class had ended. Joss shook his head as the guardian made a sarcastic comment about a particular melodrama he was currently watching. He seemed to harbor a deep grudge against the main characters, judging their actions to be thoughtless and unrealistic.

“That’s what I was saying to young Podd, earlier! Writers these days always take the easy route. They keep redoing the same formulas. Back in the day, there was real creativity.” The old man complained, scratching his neck in irritation.

Joss froze, an ominous feeling simmering in his stomach.

Podd was here.

Why?

Podd didn’t have classes at that time, or at least he did not a few weeks prior.

Maybe his schedule has changed…

It was a reasonable supposition.

Or, had he come to pick Gawin up?

They weren’t screen partners anymore, but they still could be friends, right?

Friends.

Joss gritted his teeth, suddenly cutting the guardian in his rant. Excusing himself, he strode through the corridors, climbing the stairs two by two. He felt sick.

Arriving at their usual classroom, he deflated when he noticed their professor alone in the room.

“Hi teach’, do you know where Gawin went?”

Professor Green eyed him with surprise.

“Gawin? He already left with…” The professor started, but Joss was already gone. He ran down the stairs, but Gawin was nowhere in sight.

No. Please, no…

They must have taken different stairs. Cursing himself for not having stayed with the guardian to await their arrival, Joss sped up, a feeling of urgency coursing through his body.

When he reached the bottom of the building, he completely missed the guardian gesturing goodbye, his attention, as always, gravitating toward one person.

Gawin and Podd were at the other end of the parking lot.

A frown contorted Gawin’s delicate features.

The singer’s car was nowhere to be found. Joss’s suspicions were proved true when Podd slid into the driver seat of a white car, Gawin taking the passenger side.

A storm of jealousy and frustration brewed inside of Joss as he ambled toward the white vehicle, his heart heavy. He scrutinized the two men. Through the car’s windshield, he observed their animated discussion. Podd was visibly agitated while Gawin kept a more subdued stance, looking closed-off. This Gawin was nothing like the radiant, cheeky person Joss had met before. His face was hard, his eyes icy as he resolutely avoided Podd’s. He suddenly looked much older. Mature.

With a sigh, Podd turned his whole body toward Gawin, and propped an arm behind the passenger seat, leaning closer.

Fury boiled in the middle of Joss’ chest when Podd raised a hand to Gawin’s cheek, angling the singer’s head until their eyes finally met. Distress and anger flickered in Gawin’s gaze but when Podd closed the gap between them and pressed their lips together, Gawin did not push him away. On the contrary, he leaned into the kiss, both hands lifting to draw Podd closer.

Joss swallowed the bile in his throat, numb.

Love is timing.

And he was too late.