Chapter 3

Rejection was a strange feeling.

Like a sudden downpour after a beautiful, sunny day.

An icy shower.

Hopes crushed in a single moment.

It was not Joss’s first time experiencing rejection, but it was the first time it stung so much.

The dejection had come gradually as days passed without any news from Gawin, the feeling slithering through his nerves like a disease.

Joss had spent days expectantly checking his phone, driven by the hope of finding a missed call or a text from the singer… But nothing. At one point, he had even wondered if he had dreamed their interaction, so far in his delusions that his mind was playing tricks on him, mistaking slumber and reality. These days, his dreams were full of the young American. And even though the image of the man that had invaded his dreams remained unclear, a silhouette, a hand, an eye, or sometimes just a hum, he knew for a fact that it was Gawin.

Joss threw the basketball from one hand to the other, dribbled, and shot.

Another miss.

The day had been excruciatingly hot. The sun, now slowly diving into the horizon, gave way to the coolness of the night. The outdoor basketball court was empty except for Joss. The soothing rhythm of the ball hitting the ground, and the exertion that sored his muscles, were the only things that prevented him from spiraling into somber thoughts.

Preparing himself for another shot, he locked his gaze on the hoop.

It had been stupid to give Gawin his number and not ask for his in return. Numbed by nerves, he had made a rookie mistake. He had preferred to give the other man the freedom to reach out to him, afraid of appearing forceful or desperate. However, now at his mercy, unable to act, Joss feared that if he made the first move and contacted the singer on social media, he would scare his prey away.

He was usually used to having a tight rein on his life and to being in control.

Laying everything into someone else’s hands filled him with anxiety.

Joss tossed the basketball.

The orange sphere made a large arc in the air, hit the backboard, then glided on the steel ring before falling and rolling to the side of the court.

Joss let out a frustrated sound.

Nothing was going according to plan.

Peeved, he went to fetch the ball and dropped onto the bench, patting his sweaty forehead dry with a wristband. Once again, he checked his cell phone. It was 5:30 in the afternoon, and he was supposed to meet friends for dinner soon. He had just the time to go home and freshen up before meeting them at the new Mexican restaurant they had wanted to try for a while.

Joss checked his text messages and social media. There were a few notifications from friends and messages from fans, but nothing from the person he wanted. Disappointed, he fished a bottle of water from his duffel bag, gulped down half of the liquid, and dumped the rest on his head.

Work was great these days, and he was proud to have several roles lined up for the current year and the next. He was finally having the breakthrough he had worked so hard for, and it had come faster than expected. The reviews of his acting performances were quite good, and his fan base grew every day. Life was good. He had great friends, a loving family, good health, and a thriving career… He had no reason to complain. Alas, his brain didn’t seem to share this sentiment, and his mind twisted and turned every time he stopped working.

So what if Gawin did not like him?

Joss had not grown up popular. For long years, he had struggled to find a place he could fit in, something he could excel at. Basketball and learning English had paved the way for his growing confidence but the road had not been easy. His skills had been built through strain and failures. Thanks to sheer tenacity, he had reached heights he had not even thought were possible.

Gone were his dorky years. Those who, in the past, had ignored and berated him, now reached out to be friends. Girls who hadn’t bothered to give him the time of day before wanted to take him out. They wanted him. Joss had evolved, and so did people’s perception of him. Time and time again, he had proven that he was not a victim of his circumstances. He could always shift things around.

Maybe Gawin wasn’t into him right now.

That was okay.

He could make that change.

Yes, Gawin didn’t like him, yet.

On a whim, Joss grabbed his phone again and opened Instagram.

Gawin had shared the music video of the OST he sang for his new series, Dark Blue Kiss, and Joss had been playing it on repeat ever since.

Joss went to the singer’s profile and pressed the direct message button.

***

“Good job on the new song. It’s amazing.”

***

Gawin’s answer came almost a week later.

Joss was resting in between takes on the set of Flames of Vengeance.

A makeup artist dabbed his skin with a tiny correcting pen, then brushed some powder on his nose and cheeks.

Taking advantage of the moment of calm, he shut his eyes, intending to squeeze in a quick nap before his next scene.

Just as he was about to meet the sandman, his phone buzzed on his lap, startling him awake. Joss straightened sharply when he saw a familiar handle on the screen, surprising the makeup artist, who gasped in shock.

He apologized under his breath, his attention solely focused on the device in his hand.

Gawin’s answer was simple. Short and sweet. Not giving much but always leaving Joss wanting more, so on brand with the person he was starting to discover and appreciate.

“Thank you, P’ :)”

A contented smile stretched Joss’ lips.

Who would have thought that three poor words could lift his mood that much?

Letting out a pleased sigh, he sank deeper into his chair.

“What have I gotten myself into?” He wondered with a grin glued to his face.

“Lover?” The makeup artist questioned, swabbing color on his cheeks with a delicate finger.

Staying silent, he raised a secretive shoulder.

Soon.

***

“Joss, what do you like in a woman? If a girl wanted to seduce you, what would she have to do? Please tell your fans.” The interviewer batted her long eyelashes at him, the glitter adorning her eyes distracting. She was a pretty young woman with long, chestnut hair that cascaded in voluptuous waves around her dainty face.

Joss chuckled, not surprised by the question. The topic of his romantic life became more prevalent as his popularity grew.

“Well, I usually prefer to do the courting.”

The bright lights of the studio felt hot on his skin, a stark comparison to the AC blasting off in the room. Chilly drops of sweat covered his back, hidden under the jacket the stylist had chosen for him. Sitting in front of a green screen with the interviewer at his side and a group of employees monitoring the filming, it was always uncomfortable to go into the subject of his private life. He saw a small man with round glasses, probably a reporter, scribble furiously on his laptop when he answered the question.

“Really? So you’re the kind of man that chases the person you like?”

Joss nodded and folded his hands neatly on the table.

“Yes.”

The lady let out a cooing sound, hiding her smile behind a manicured hand, before continuing.

“And to what kind of person are you attracted to?”

He had practiced and answered this particular question multiple times. A P.R.-ready, vague list of qualities readily approved by his manager. So, on autopilot, he delivered his usual speech.

“I’d say the most important thing is how I feel when I’m with this person. I like someone who can understand my lifestyle and share my interests. Someone who would be interested in doing the activities I enjoy. You know, I’m really into exercising, so someone who is into sports like me would be nice.” Joss explained.

Everything that he had just stated was true, but sweetened enough for as many fans as possible to feel included in the description.

“It would be nice if we could play basketball together. I also prefer speaking English with the person I like, so I’d like someone who can speak English fluently. I think someone of mixed race would be great.” He added without thinking.

The interviewer was nodding along to every new detail, obviously excited to have such new information about Joss’ preferences on her show. He could see in her eyes that she was anticipating all the tweets and comments this episode would get. He paused for a brief moment, the studio had gone eerily quiet, everyone hanging on his next words. “Being polite and having good manners is also very important. Overall, I like someone cute with a nice voice.”

The interviewer clapped her hands with fake disappointment.

“So I don’t have a chance at all, right?” She whined jokingly, shaking her head with a pout. She leaned closer on the table, intimate, as though they were the only two people in the room and not in a studio full of people, scrutinizing and recording them, for all of Thailand to see. “These are very precise preferences… You don’t have someone already, do you?”

There was almost a hungry glint in her eyes, like a scavenger discovering rotten flesh.

Joss moved, leaning as far away as possible in the tiny chair. He waved a dismissive hand, laughing in derision.

“No, no. I’m single.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, the interviewer spun around, directing all her attention to the cameras.

“There you heard it! Our Joss Wayar is single. Do you fit these criteria? I know I don’t… But if you’re one of the lucky ones who do, maybe you’ll have an opportunity to win our darling Joss’ heart, so make sure to support him and comment on our show’s Facebook page, ‘I love you, Joss Wayar!'”

Joss hid his discomfort under a laugh, turned toward the camera, and camouflaged his sour expression behind a wai.

“I love every one of my fans. I’m really grateful for all of your support,” he declared with a smile that he hoped was warmer than he felt.

The interviewer seemed ecstatic.

“Aah, our Joss truly is a catch. The girl he’ll marry one day will be the luckiest in the world!”

***

To Joss’ delight, Gawin began appearing more often on social media. Candid pictures and videos of him singing in a car, having meals with his friends, or playing the guitar started progressively popping up on his feed, and Joss devoured the long-awaited content with bliss. Gawin looked natural and content, and it was such a pleasant sight that Joss found himself reminiscing about the clips at odd hours of the day, his mind wandering endlessly.

Unfortunately, the new wave of content came with a cost, and Joss was, against his will, forced to follow Podd’s account. The older actor, and Gawin’s current partner, had taken it upon himself to promote the series and their pairing more seriously as their series gained success.

Podd and Gawin on set, Podd and Gawin driving home after filming, Podd and Gawin having lunch together… Joss scrutinized the posts, jealousy coating his mouth with bile. At some point, after replaying a single video more than ten times, he had even decided to create an anonymous account so Podd would not get the wrong idea.

With a heavy heart, he observed the two actors interact, ignoring his feelings to gather more information about Gawin. During his investigation, he discovered that the singer was a huge fan of movies and video games, had an obsession with pizza, and that he carried his guitar everywhere he went. Joss ingested and compiled the knowledge in a precious part of his mind. And if he had a note file on his phone dedicated to all these discoveries, it was not anyone else’s business.

Despite being thrilled to have learned so much about Gawin, the closeness Podd and Gawin shared dampened his elation.

He had witnessed how comfortable they were at the GMMTV event, but when he compared Gawin’s behavior with the other cast members, he realized they were chummier than he had initially thought. Although Gawin was amicable to most, he rarely looked at ease with those around him, not even with the colleagues he saw daily. Podd was an exception. Gawin seemed to genuinely appreciate his presence and, despite his envy, Joss was grateful that the singer had someone with whom he could relax.

“Let the game begin!”

The crowd roared, the cheers echoing throughout the stadium as the two teams lined up to receive the applause. In the stands, excited to see the performance, supporters waved banners sporting the colors of the two teams. Joss spotted several banners dedicated to him and gestured his thanks to his fans. In the corner of the stadium, a camera captured the players as they got into position.

Joss pulled on his red jersey and lowered, ready to pounce at the referee’s signal. The game was a 3v3 between GMMTV actors, and he was thankful to have both Force and Luke at his sides. On the other side of the court, their adversaries, in white and blue jerseys, did the same. The friendly competition organized by their company lasted three days, and the winner of the game would advance to the semi-finals, taking place the next day.

In front of him, Neo’s focus was sharp, his dark eyes full of mirth. Joss knew that Neo, as a former member of Thailand’s National youth team, was not to be underestimated. He had a lot of stamina and could jump higher than the average player, so Joss would need to be careful and use his height to his advantage. Neo’s teammates were also in position. Bright on the left and Gawin on the right.

Gawin, his hair pushed back with a zig-zag headband, had a look that Joss had never seen before. His shoulders were set in a straight, focused line, and his thigh muscles tensed in a fierce, almost ferocious way. Joss’ stomach twisted at the thought, warmth spreading in his lower regions. He redirected his attention back to the game. He had not seen Gawin in a while, and it was nice seeing him in another scenery, especially to play a sport that Joss enjoyed so much. They, unfortunately, had no time to speak before the game. Of course, Luke had made silly jokes about rivals to lovers, but besides that, Joss did not have much time to collect himself.

In the audience, Podd was flapping a bright blue banner without enthusiasm, eyes glued to his phone. Joss had observed Podd give Gawin a passionless pat on the back before the game. The older actor was not participating in the competition and didn’t seem to care for the sport at all. But despite his lack of interest in basketball, he had still come to support Gawin.

From Joss’ point of view, Podd and Gawin looked like nothing more than good colleagues or maybe friends, but there was something in the way Gawin lit up when he looked at the other actor that made him question himself.

Joss clapped his hands on both his cheeks a few times.

He had a game to win.

The referee flipped a coin.

Head.

Neo’s team would attack first.

As soon as the whistle blew, the energy shifted, tension surging on the court.

Neo caught the ball and, quick on his feet, dribbled to the basket, but Joss was right on his tail. They had only ten minutes to reach twenty-one points, and scoring a maximum of points during the first few minutes could lead to an easy victory. Using his larger limbs to his advantage, Joss followed Neo like a shadow. Cornered and incapable of moving further, Neo attempted a pass, but Joss, anticipating the escape, whipped the ball with his palm. The sphere bounced, then landed right between Joss’ hands, who handed it to Force in a quick motion. Using the moment of distraction, Joss found an opening, ran to the other side of the court, and intercepted the ball when Force tossed it back to him.

But in a fraction of a second, Bright sprang to mark him.

Joss dribbled, bouncing the ball between his legs, trying to find an opening. Then, Gawin appeared in front of him, arms held high, brown eyes burning, an inescapable wall. Excited goosebumps bloomed all over Joss’ body, arousal simmering in his lower belly.

“This is fun“, he thought with heat.

All of a sudden, Luke, who had managed to evade the defense, showed up in the corner of his eye. Seizing the opportunity, Joss jumped, faking a shot, but as soon as he landed, he hurled the ball to Luke, who sprinted to the corner of the court.

Luke shot.

The audience cheered.

Team Red had just scored the first two points of the game.

Joss nodded to Luke with praise, satisfied with the outcome of the first minute. He caught Gawin’s eye, who gave him a one-sided smirk, upset to have been tricked. Joss smiled back.

Come at me, Gawin Caskey.

***

The rest of the game was not as easy.

Even though most of the players on the court were roughly the same height, the two teams varied vastly in weight and agility. While Joss’ team was powerful, the other was lighter and moved like lightning. They were hard to catch and often squeezed away, managing to score points in their unpredictability. The first score had made them more alert, and they had come up with their own ploys to keep the score.

Joss’ team was still leading with 19 against 17 points. On top of their larger build and strength, he and his teammates were good friends and their teamwork was far superior to their opponents’. Accustomed to each other’s play style, they could communicate and interact seamlessly, flowing on the court with ease. Joss had to admit that Gawin and his team, were giving them a run for their money. They were surprisingly tough. But Joss was nonetheless confident in his team’s victory.

He had been surprised by Gawin’s basketball skills. He had great aim and surprising reflexes, and even though he lacked practice, he was putting up a good fight. Joss had enjoyed every moment of their play, choosing to mark Gawin at every opportunity, earning himself a raised eyebrow from Force and a sneer from Luke. Gawin, riled up and engrossed in their rivalry, seemed to enjoy the game just as much. He reciprocated ruthlessly, and his play was vicious. Joss couldn’t remember how many times he missed a shot because of the singer.

It was great, exhilarating.

He wished this game could last hours rather than just a few minutes.

Behind Gawin, arms spread on each side of the singer’s body, Joss was close enough to see the hair on the back of Gawin’s neck and smell the dampness of his skin. He was flushed, and beads of sweat dripped from his hair, his shoulders rising with each shallow breath. Gawin was losing stamina, his speed had diminished, and his steps were getting progressively less coordinated.

There were only ninety seconds left in the game, but he was not backing out. Joss admired Gawin’s persistence, pleased to see that they shared a real love for the game. He couldn’t wait for the day they would fight on the same team. With their opposite play styles, they would be glorious.

Gawin caught the ball. His back was a stiff, straight line. He dribbled a few times, transferring his weight from one leg to another, pushing Joss with his back to gain more leeway. Joss stood his ground, his chest thumping with adrenaline.

He had been hard for a while, intoxicated by Gawin’s proximity. So far, he had managed to disregard the feeling, his mind completely in the game. But with Gawin backing up against him, his waist applying maddening repeated pressure against his member, Joss was starting to lose his mind.

His balls ached so bad.

Distracted, he took a bit too long to follow Gawin’s next step, whose shot went right through the hoop.

The crowd exploded in applause.

Because of this shot, Joss’ team was now only leading by one point. Less than fifty seconds were remaining in the game, but the White team could still turn things over and win. Gawin’s face was alight with pride, and Joss couldn’t help but smile at the singer’s happiness.

“Don’t forget which team you are in, lover boy,” Luke whispered to him, bringing him back to reality.

Joss shook intrusive thoughts away.

He had a game to win.

This time, Gawin was the one screening him. The point he had just scored seemed to have given him renewed energy, and he was following Joss’s movements with vigor.

Joss pivoted several times on his feet, trying to get an opening. Both his teammates were marked closely, but Force managed to escape the defense and sprinted toward Joss, who didn’t miss a beat and passed the ball to him. Time was ticking. All the players ran to the hoop, the ball moving from Force to Luke, the defense still on their heels.

Bright was guarding the hoop, blocking Joss from receiving the ball. Joss stepped to the side, bent his body arms reaching out, and, with a thud, the basketball, landed between his hands.

Gawin had almost intercepted it with a quick slash of his arm.

Not wasting a second, Joss leaped to throw the ball into the basket, Gawin following him only a moment too late. Ill-coordinated, their bodies collided mid-air, and Gawin toppled to the floor.

The referee blew the whistle announcing another point, but Joss paid it no mind. The singer had landed on his back and was grimacing in pain, dazed, struggling to get back up. Joss felt his blood run cold.

He crouched next to Gawin, whose headband had slid off during the fall, his long hair strands like a curtain covering his frowning face.

“Hey, are you alright?” Joss asked, worried.

He brushed Gawin’s hair out of his face with the back of his hand, and Gawin flinched under the sudden contact.

Joss snatched his hand back as if he had been burned.

“Yup. All good, thanks,” Gawin answered, with a sheepish smile. “Dude, I felt like I just hit a tank.” He added teasingly. Then, puffing his cheeks in discomfort, he propped himself up on his elbows and extended a hand toward Joss, who pulled him back to his feet.

Joss’ shoulders sagged as he watched Gawin join his team to finish the game, guilt heavy in his gut. Gawin was reassuring his teammates while massaging his bruised back.

Getting hurt during a game was not uncommon. Joss had personally gotten his fair share of wounds across the years, but he never wanted to be the cause of someone’s pain, especially not Gawin’s.

He had been reckless, distracted by his feelings and eagerness to win.

He needed to get his head straight.

Next time, he would make sure that they’d be on the same team and fight as partners.

***

As he had expected, Joss’s team won.

After the game, as both teams shook hands, thanking each other for the game, Joss’ fingers lingered around Gawin’s.

“I’m sorry about earlier, man. Do you feel better?”

Gawin was visibly still in pain. There was a strange tilt to his body when he walked, and he had not been able to perform as well as he had during the last seconds of the game.

“Oh, yeah! No worries. My back’s probably gonna be red and blue for a few days, but I’ll be alright,” Gawin joked, but he quickly deflated when Joss frowned. Changing the subject, he added, “You’re a terrific player, bro.”

Joss still full of remorse, reluctantly complied with the topic change.

“You’re not too bad yourself. You got me struggling, man.” He complimented Gawin, whose face crinkled in pleasure.

“Next time, I’ll win.”

Joss raised a playful eyebrow.

“Oh, you think you can win against me? I’d like to see that. But you never know. Maybe we’ll be on the same side next time.”

Gawin tapped his lips with an index, thoughtful.

“That would be fun. I’d prefer to have you on my side, to be honest.”

As they bid the spectators goodbye, Joss spotted Podd, clapping in the stands. The older actor shot two thumbs up at Gawin.

Looking away, Joss sent a flying kiss to a fan.

***

In the changing room, Joss cooled his thoughts under the stream of the shower, replaying the game in his mind. Unsurprisingly, every thought led back to the singer. They had moved together, opponents, yet in perfect harmony. Synchronized, like two sides of the same coin. He was certain they’d move even better in a different kind of dance…

Joss turned the shower knob to cold, trying to temper the heat blazing through his thoughts.

Not lingering in the stall any longer. He went back to the changing room to put on a clean change of clothes, signing to Force and Luke to leave first. His friends exchanged a knowing look and left without any more prompting. Joss sat on the bench, fully clothed, and he waited, pretending to towel his hair dry.

When Gawin finally got out of the shower stall, a huge cloud of steam followed his steps. He was dripping wet, water rolling down his chest, and a towel hanging low on his hips.

Joss averted his eyes and, shifting on the bench, turned his back to the singer, trying to hide the traitorous reactions of his body under a towel.

“Hey, you’re still here?” Gawin noticed with a raised eyebrow as he walked to his locker.

Joss nodded, trying to keep his face neutral. Gawin turned around, exposing his slender back and even slimmer waist. Joss eyed a fortunate droplet that slid between his shoulder blades and rolled down the middle of Gawin’s back before disappearing where the towel began. Joss ran a tongue over his dry lips.

If he tasted the water trapped in the dimple above Gawin’s hips, would it still be warm?

When Gawin moved, Joss noticed a pink mark next to his right shoulder where he had fallen. The bruise would surely turn blue soon. The observation brought Joss back into focus.

He wished he could kiss the pain away.

“Here, take this.”

He said instead, holding out a small blue pot to the singer.

The last few players left the room, waving them goodbye, and Gawin grabbed the jar of pain relief cream, expressing his gratitude in such a soft way that Joss’ heart melted into a puddle of goo.

Joss stayed silent while Gawin changed, patient.

Shame drained his face of color when Gawin struggled to spread the cream over his back. However, in fear of being intrusive and still hurt by the way Gawin had flinched when he had touched him earlier, he had not offered his help to the singer. He did not trust himself not to do something inappropriate, not to let his hands dawdle on Gawin’s warm skin, or not to try to massage the pain away…

Once he finished applying the cream, Gawin tried to hand the jar back to him, but Joss shook his head in refusal.

“Keep it. You’ll need to apply more if you want the bruise to heal quickly.” He explained as he stood up.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.”

Gawin thanked him and slid the jar deep into his backpack. Now fully dressed in baggy shorts, a large white T-shirt, and a baseball cap secured on his damp hair, Gawin looked at him questioningly.

“Do you need a ride?” Joss offered as they left the changing rooms together. Outside the gymnasium, a few fans were waiting for them, so they slowed down and smiled for pictures and videos.

“Thanks, but I brought my car,” Gawin answered as they reached the parking lot. He jiggled his car keys in front of his face, and Joss ignored a pang of disappointment.

The night had fallen, and a few stars were sprinkled on the dark, moonless sky. Gawin looked beautiful even under the dull street lights.

Joss did not want to leave.

“See you next time, then. Thanks again for the cream.” Gawin said, swaying awkwardly, under Joss’ intense eyes.

Joss looked away and buried his hands in his pockets, embarrassed.

“Sure, no problem.” Joss bit his lip, then asked, looking around. “Did Podd leave already?”

Gawin, who was about to walk away, stopped in his tracks.

“Oh, probably. He’s not really into basketball, I’m surprised he even came today. He never stays long.”

“He still came to support you. That’s nice of him.”

“Yeah…”

“Yeah.”

Joss cringed internally. He had no idea why he had thought bringing up the older actor was a good idea. He wanted to punch himself in the nose.

“So… You didn’t contact me about these singing lessons,” he continued, his mouth running on its own, and he had to stop himself from bringing a palm to his face in shame.

Gawin gaped at him.

“Right! I’m sorry, I’ve been really busy.” He explained, looking like a wounded puppy, and Joss felt even worse.

Why did he keep messing up?

“No, no! It’s okay! I don’t want to bother you with this.” He quickly added.

“Not at all. It just slipped out of my mind. I’m so sorry.”

Another uneasy silence coated the air.

Tense, Joss could acutely feel each one of his shaky breaths, his body imperceptibly jerking as he tried to keep his composure.

“Is… Is the offer still on the table?” He asked tentatively.

Gawin bobbed his head vigorously, his hands moving with agitation as he spoke.

“Sure. Yeah. Of course!”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel like you have to…” Joss started, but he was promptly interrupted.

“No, not at all!”

Joss pressed his lips together, mixed emotions twirling inside of him.

“Okay, then. Give me your number, and I’ll call you to schedule a day. I don’t want you to forget about me again.” He joked to lighten the mood and felt relieved when Gawin smiled back, his cheeks flushed red, not denying the claim.

“I won’t.”