My lovely bestie @claireviosaa had the wonderful idea of putting together a playlist to listen to while you’re reading!
If you have any other song suggestions, feel free to drop them in the comments or reach out to me on my socials.
Happy reading!
Gawin eyed the offered business card blankly.
P’Peng, a short man with a round face and an amicable smile, pushed it into his hands.
If you had asked Gawin Caskey a few years ago what he’d do for a living, he would have said he had no idea. After graduating high school, he left the dreary Pennsylvania weather behind for sunny Bangkok – for home. Gawin pondered his next step for a while, unable to find an answer.
Yet, without a plan, Gawin had booked a plane back to the Land of Smiles.
The States were great, but Thailand was where he belonged, and his heart and bones ached to go back.
After a few months of idling, fully settled back into the country he loved, Gawin got a job in a theatre as a ticket collector and usher. The money was easy, and Gawin enjoyed sneaking into the movie rooms to laugh, gasp, and cry with the other spectators every chance he got.
“This job is temporary,” he told himself as the months went by. He was taking a gap year to figure out his next move. Sure, he had considered pursuing studies to join a prestigious company or start a business. Maybe he’d get a boring 9-to-5 job with a good salary. Perhaps, with a bit of luck, it would be at a company related to the arts, movies, or, better yet, music. He’d start a band on the side, play guitar with his friends on weekends, and, if he was still brave enough, try to book a few gigs at bars to let his passion burn.
That plan wasn’t a terrible option, but it wasn’t great either, and whenever Gawin thought about living this life, uneasiness rose inside of him.
Becoming an actor was never part of his plans.
Gawin caught his reflection in the glass of a vending machine: shaggy, too-long brown hair, a dull complexion from too many sleepless nights, and a wrinkled blue uniform.
Did he really have what it took to become an actor?
Curiosity had been too strong, and a week later, he was enrolling in an intensive acting training.
The first few months had been rough, and Gawin had considered quitting more than a few times.
The scout had told him he was good-looking, that he had the stature to become a celebrity, but having a pretty face wasn’t enough. Gawin had felt so stupid saying lines for the first time, attempting to showcase emotions that weren’t his own. However, his professors kept telling him he had potential, so Gawin worked harder and progressively got better.
Success hadn’t come overnight, but the way Gawin saw himself and the world had done a 180.
A world of possibilities was opening up to him, and it felt as unreal as it was breathtaking.
Soon, he was doing his first photoshoot, starring in his first series with a male co-star, and meeting his first fans. Gawin was having a lot of fun, and though being recognized in the streets had been uncomfortable at first, he slowly got used to his growing fame.
Despite all that, Gawin still wasn’t a fan of crowds, so when he was invited to the 2019 GMMTV Outing, he recoiled at the idea. He barely knew anyone, and being stuck for a whole weekend with a bunch of strangers didn’t sound appealing. Thankfully, some familiar faces would be there too… and Podd. Podd would be there as well. So he figured he’d be alright.
The outing was even wilder than he had expected. Between the crazy challenges, games and parties, Gawin didn’t know which way to turn. But one thing was sure: he was having a lot of fun.
Besides the festivities, the other factor contributing to Gawin’s enjoyment was Podd.
They weren’t a thing, not really. Sometimes they messed around, and Gawin’s chest fluttered a bit when Podd kissed him, but it wasn’t anything serious. It had all happened so fast: a rehearsal turned into a passionate kiss, fiction tangled with reality, and two worlds collided.
So far, things were good.
They got along well.
But sometimes, when Podd looked at him, Gawin wondered if he was seeing someone else.
Gawin adjusted his cardboard armor. The fish he had carefully cut out and glued to his helmet kept poking at his glasses. His team, dressed in the same way, had already paraded, and they were watching the other groups, snickering at their silly costumes.
A particular group caught his attention as they advanced to the center of the room, strutting like kings.
They were sporting hideous, bright yellow pants and turquoise mesh tops adorned with golden hems. The color combination shouldn’t have worked, but somehow, it did. All the members of the group were wearing black T-shirts under the blue see-through tops, except for one.
Gawin’s mouth dried.
Everybody knew Joss Wayar was hot. Gawin did, too. He wasn’t blind.
And at this precise moment, the tan, chiseled abs and pecs peeking through the mesh top were doing things to him. Gawin looked away, clearing his throat. It was the mesh. That mesh did things to Gawin’s brain. Why was Joss’ torso glistening like some glazed pastry underneath it? This outfit was supposed to look dorky, so how the hell had he managed to make it look this good?
Jeez, Joss Wayar wasn’t called the Thai Greek God for nothing.
Gawin, even if he wouldn’t admit to any of his friends, was a bit of a fan.
He had watched 3 Will be Free and had been intrigued by this tall, handsome guy with the biceps and the sweet smile. The fact that his mom raved about him every time he appeared on TV didn’t help. Unfortunately, though they had joined GMMTV around the same time, Gawin and Joss had never had the chance to talk. They weren’t part of the same circles and, to be honest, Gawin didn’t think their personalities would mesh well anyway. Joss looked like a jock, always surrounded by a horde of noisy friends, going to the gym and whatnot. So Gawin’s crush had fizzled out.
However, later that night, as the party was raging, the crowd divided into three groups: the bar pillars, the dancefloor maniacs, and the yappers. Against all odds, Gawin found himself deep in conversation with the latter. He wasn’t sure how it happened, but somehow he ended up following the group to someone’s room and sitting cross-legged on Joss’s bedroom floor.
“Dolphins are super smart, man. They live in communities, have languages, but they sometimes do crazy shit as well,” Joss said enthusiastically but with a little slur. “Sometimes they even kidnap babies. I’m not kidding. They’d catch a baby porpoise to toss it around like a ball! They torture the kid just for entertainment, and once it’s dead, they just toss it. They don’t even eat it!” He looked scandalized, making big gestures with his pointer finger, his cheeks reddened by booze. “Do you know they also chew on toxic pufferfishes to get high? They pass it to each other like a joint. I told you! Crazy shit. They may seem cute like dogs, but you gotta be careful. Dolphins are scary, bro. No better than humans.”
The ten or so people, listening to his story, were barely sober enough to sit upright. One of them gasped too hard, lost his balance, and crashed into someone, sending the group into a drunken uproar.
Joss laughed, a cute little sound, his dimples showing.
Gawin felt his mouth stretch into a smile as well.
Joss, not deterred by the interruption, then proceeded to talk about the intricacies of dolphins’ communication systems and hierarchy.
Gawin leaned forward, listening attentively. He knew some of those facts already, but there was something about the way Joss talked, about the way he said things that seized his attention.
A hand, warm and purposeful, landed on Gawin’s thigh.
Podd, who was sitting next to him, leaned close and whispered, “Do you wanna get out of here?”
Meeting the other man’s heated gaze, Gawin forgot all about sea mammals.
When they sneaked out, Joss was still talking about the sea.
Podd linked their fingers and pulled him towards his own room for another kind of diving.
Joss Wayar had some very intense eyes.
His eyes had some weight to them, and every time Joss looked at him, Gawin had to fight not to squirm.
After the outing, months passed before they crossed paths again. They had friends in common, but somehow their groups never overlapped.
Gawin had spotted Joss a few times from afar at the company or during events, his tall stature and confident walk standing out in the crowds. Gawin wasn’t looking for him. Joss’ presence was just hard to ignore. Not only was he imposing, but he was also charismatic, each step intentional, as if he always knew exactly where he was going and what needed to be done.
That always left Gawin a bit in awe. They sure were different.
He wondered what kind of goals Joss Wayar was pursuing so actively.
They met again right before a morning vocal lesson.
Gawin was dozing off, slouched against the wall opposite the classroom door, music blasting in his headphones to keep himself awake. He had barely slept the night before, too busy playing games on his computer while the early seasons of Arrested Development played in the background.
He had closed his eyes for just a few seconds, and when he opened them, Joss was there. Staring.
He was barely blinking, his gaze as tangible as a finger poking Gawin right in the middle of the face.
Gawin fidgeted, the skin around his mouth tightening.
What the hell?
Gawin was getting used to the cameras, to people scrutinizing him for flaws or praises. But this was different. This wasn’t a surface gaze. These eyes felt analytical. Scalpel-precise. As if Gawin was a strange animal that Joss couldn’t wait to dissect.
Feeling his body heat up, Gawin got up and tried to break the awkward tension with a smile. Joss just kept staring, his face inscrutable.
Spooked, Gawin retreated into the classroom with their professor as quickly as he could.
What was that guy’s problem?
Afterward, it felt like Joss Wayar was suddenly everywhere.
Before, Gawin had only caught glimpses of Joss from a distance or crossed paths with him on occasion, but it seemed that now, no matter where he went, he’d caught a glimpse of Joss Wayar – or more like Joss caught a glimpse of him. Maybe Gawin was exaggerating, maybe Joss wasn’t everywhere, but it sure felt like it. And whenever Gawin had to swing by the company, he could feel Joss’s gaze on him. In those moments, Gawin’s pulse would stutter when he realized Joss was already staring back.
Gawin was becoming painfully aware of the guy, and it was getting concerning.
Those deep, dark eyes felt like a shadow following his every move.
Though he had been troubled at first, Gawin quickly recognized that Joss was displaying the blatant signs of a crush. He had just a very disturbing way of showing it.
The realization, though uncomfortable, amused him. Gawin usually knew when people were attracted to him, but he never expected Joss Wayar, of all people, to be one of them.
So, when the guy finally came over to talk to him at a GMMTV event, Gawin had no idea what to do with himself. He and Marc were goofing off, dressing up for pictures at the photobooth when Joss strutted toward them, dashing as usual.
Gawin’s grin froze, and he stopped fanning the Polaroid he was holding for a moment.
Marc said something silly to Joss, poking fun at Gawin. Gawin didn’t remember what it was. Too shocked and flustered to pay attention. Then, like the traitor he was, Marc left him alone with Joss.
Gawin focused on the glossy paper he held, squinting in the dark at the shapes blooming in the picture.
Joss was looking at him like he was the most fascinating thing in the world, something he wanted to either capture and display among his treasures… or devour in one bite.
Unsettling, to say the least.
“I haven’t seen you at P’Green’s class in a while,” Joss said.
Gawin startled, taken aback, too busy trying to settle the twisting in his stomach.
“Oh, right!”
He swallowed hard, grateful for the dim lights and loud music that hid his discomfort. “I usually don’t go at this time! I had to film that day, so I swapped my class with someone else’s.”
Joss pursed his mouth.
“It’s a shame. I really liked your singing. You have an amazing voice, man.”
And there it was, the flirtatious lean forward, the smile that said everything about Joss’ intentions.
Gawin’s body heated up.
Of course, he was flattered.
Joss Wayar was very, very hot, and Gawin knew very well how defined the muscles hidden under his black top were.
Anyone who dared to ask how he knew, though, needed to mind their business.
“Thank you. I appreciate it.”
Gawin grinned, and this time Joss smiled back.
“No problem. I was so shocked when I heard you sing Honeymoon Avenue so flawlessly. I have been struggling with it for weeks.”
“Yeah? I have a lot of practice so… I’m sure you’re not that bad.”
“Not that bad? I’m terrible, bro.”
Gawin laughed.
Talking to Joss was surprisingly easy. And while the staring was still a bit intense, Gawin found that when Joss beamed at him, all cute and dorky, it wasn’t so terrible. It was even nice to have someone listen to him so intently.
“Do you think maybe you could give me some pointers someday?”
Gawin pressed his lips together.
Joss Wayar was handsome and charming.
He seemed kind, respectful, and there was something about him… Something that made Gawin want to stay close.
It was weird. And a bit scary.
“Sure, man. Why not?” he conceded after a beat.
The sheer happiness on Joss’ face made Gawin’s smile grow wider.
“Well, I’ll give you my number. You can text me when you’re free.”
“Okay.”
Gawin watched cautiously as Joss typed his number into his phone.
Something deep inside of him churned.
A sudden weight on his shoulders made him pause.
Podd leaned into his space, his presence familiar, comfortable, and safe.
Gawin breathed a relieved sigh.
He’d been about to do something stupid, something dangerous.
Podd’s grip on his shoulder was tight as he led him outside.
He’d told Joss they had people to see.
It was a lie.
They made out for a while, away from prying eyes, and Gawin’s heart pounded in his chest, though he wasn’t sure why.
Gawin let out a long exhale, sweat pearling on his forehead.
His muscles were tight, and his movements slow as he ran down the court.
Yet, he was still wired. He wanted to win.
Joss took a step forward, and Gawin followed, preventing him from advancing to the hoop. Joss was like a machine, showing barely any signs of exertion.
Joss smirked, challenging.
The basketball match had honestly been riveting.
Gawin hadn’t had that much fun on the court in a while.
His team was behind, and if Joss scored these last few points, it was over for them.
Gawin slapped his cheeks a few times, summoning his last bits of strength.
He couldn’t lose.
Especially not to the shit-eating grin Joss had been giving him during the game.
Joss leaned on the side, and Gawin stretched to block him. It was a feint, and half a second later, Joss was leaping to the other side, going for a shot. Gawin reacted quickly and jumped as well. But suddenly, his breath caught in his chest as he collided against Joss’ solid frame and crashed down to the floor. Gawin landed heavily, pain shooting up his back. He was going to bruise.
It took him a while to collect his senses.
The world blurred as pain, dizziness, and fatigue took over.
When Gawin’s vision cleared, Joss was close, his worried face just inches away.
“Hey, are you alright?”
Gawin groaned as he pushed on his forearms to get to a sitting position, his ears ringing.
He blinked several times, his bangs catching on his eyelashes. His headband had flown off during the fall.
People were talking, some shouting. The referee blew his whistle. There was the sound of footsteps, and balls rolling and bouncing on the court.
Joss was still there, frowning.
Joss’ voice was worried.
His eyebrows were dark and thick, and he had really defined cheekbones.
Gawin blinked. His body ached all over.
Fingers brushed his forehead.
The world came into focus.
Gawin flinched away, his already flushed body jolting with heat.
“Yup. All good, thanks,” he said, pretending not to see the hurt on Joss’s face or how his own heart stirred. “Dude, I felt like I just hit a tank,” he joked to ease the tension.
Podd, up in the stands, was watching anxiously. Gawin gave him a small smile as he got up, still feeling a little out of it.
When the referee announced a short break, Gawin excused himself to grab some cold water. He needed to clear his mind.
Despite their best efforts, they still lost the match.
Joss was waiting for him when he got out of the shower, and Gawin stilled, feeling self-conscious with just a towel around his waist. Joss’s gaze raked over his body appreciatively before he turned away. Then he apologized, offering ointment for his bruises.
He was sweet and kind, and Gawin felt sick.
“You didn’t call me about these lessons,” Joss said.
No, he hadn’t.
Not because he’d forgotten, but because he just couldn’t.
These days, it was as if Gawin was swimming against the current.
He was a good swimmer, but the water kept rising, and Gawin was gasping for air.
He and Podd were having trouble.
And though they’d never made their relationship official, this thing between them had been going on for a while, and its decay was all-consuming.
Podd said he was making efforts.
Gawin thought he didn’t want any of it.
Podd had come to his game even though he didn’t care for it and tried to make Gawin happy. But every time Podd grabbed his hands and pulled him close, whispering sweet promises, it all sounded off. Everything was out of tune. Gawin didn’t know when it had started to go wrong. Maybe the wrongness had always been there, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore, and each time Podd tried harder, Gawin wanted to pull away even more.
Gawin said he was trying, too.
It wasn’t working.
He liked Podd. A lot.
But why was it that when Podd talked about the future, Gawin felt sick to his stomach?
They weren’t together.
They didn’t have a future.
It was the beginning of the end.
Yes, everything was a little too much these days.
So most of the time, Gawin tuned out his emotions, pretending his problems didn’t exist and secretly hoping they’d fade away.
But Joss, he couldn’t handle Joss.
Joss, and the way he looked at Gawin like he wanted to give him the moon.
It was all just too much.
“It slipped my mind. I’m so sorry,” he said, guilt twisting in his chest.
Because when Joss stared at him like that, Gawin couldn’t shut him out.
But Joss, Gawin felt, deserved better.
“Ping me so I can have your number. I don’t want you to forget about me again.”
Gawin’s cheeks flushed as he did so.
Shame, fear, embarrassment, or glee?
The name of the emotion didn’t matter. Gawin knew that he couldn’t escape it.
Weeks passed, and Gawin and Podd’s relationship didn’t get any better. The lows started to outnumber the highs at an alarming rate.
Gawin watched the relationship unfold as if it were a movie he had no part in. After all, it wasn’t his first rodeo. It was always like this. Every time things got serious, his relationships slowly went down the drain.
Gawin had learned to adapt, to stay away when it got too deep.
And now, when they were in the same room, it was as if they were worlds apart.
Podd wanted to meet all the time.
“Why don’t you talk to me?” he had asked during their last encounter, over an awkward meal.
Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind?
Why won’t you look at me?
Why? Why? Why?
Podd always had more questions that Gawin couldn’t answer.
Each question, each argument was draining, and Gawin felt himself slowly emptying until only sadness and gloom remained.
I don’t want this anymore, he thought, but he couldn’t say it, couldn’t bear the thought of ending things so poorly. Even though this wasn’t what they had agreed on, Podd owned a little piece of Gawin’s heart, and Gawin wasn’t sure he wanted it back just yet. So he forced a smile and said he was just tired.
He couldn’t even be mad at Podd, because there was no reproach or harshness in his questions. Podd just seemed as confused as Gawin was.
Gawin had tried his best to get rid of these unnerving feelings, but after a while, even Podd’s touch became irritating.
Still, Gawin wanted to love him. Still, Gawin tried.
And the things he couldn’t say, he sang.
Sometimes, the words he kept bottled up in the back of his throat piled up so much it was hard to breathe, but Gawin had found that singing, letting his vocal cords vibrate until his voice broke, eased the tension. He had always loved music. He woke up with melodies in his head, worked to music, and made songs with his fingertips.
He lived and breathed music, so of course, the mandatory vocal lessons GMMTV gave their talent were his favorite.
Since joining the company, he had been elated to hear that professional artists genuinely thought he had talent, that he could make something out of his voice. That had been the greatest blessing of his career in entertainment. Offers to sing OSTs for series were becoming more frequent, and Gawin accepted each with a grateful heart.
Professor Green often said he was one of his most promising students, and that he had numerous fans among GMMTV artists. Gawin batted away the compliments, embarrassed and unsure what to make of them.
When Professor Green told him he should take a joint class with one of the fans in question, Gawin was a little dumbfounded.
“A fan? What do you mean?” he asked, pushing his glasses higher on his nose and tilting his head.
The teacher chuckled, handing Gawin new music sheets for their next session.
“You heard me. I’m sure you know him. Joss Wayar? Tall, dark and handsome?” Professor Green said with a smirk. “He was really impressed when he heard you sing during my class last time. I think it would be great if you could help him out a little. What do you think?”
“Err…”
Gawin’s heart thumped in his chest. Joss’ piercing eyes were still fresh in his mind.
They hadn’t been in contact since the basketball match. To be quite honest, Gawin had thought that the singing lessons were just a tactic to hit on him, so he was surprised that Joss had talked about him to their professor.
“I assure you, he’s a good guy. A real hard worker. Singing isn’t his forte, but he improves every time. He kept praising your voice and your techniques and said he wanted to learn from you. Don’t you think it’s a great idea? Teaching is the best way to gain expertise, after all,” the teacher pressed, winking.
Gawin’s ears burned.
“Sure, P’.”
The lesson had been enlightening.
Joss was indeed as dedicated as their professor had said.
He wasn’t a natural, but he clearly enjoyed music and persevered despite his struggles. It was hard not to respect that kind of dedication. The way he watched Gawin still made him nervous, though. It reminded him of the first time he’d been on stage, new and vulnerable. And when those eyes lingered on his lips a bit too long, Gawin did his best to ignore his quickening pulse.
He couldn’t think about that, not now.
But when Joss’ otherwise cold facade softened into a shy, cloud-clearing grin, Gawin felt like he was dying a little inside.
At some point, Podd lost patience and confronted Gawin about it.
“Do you want this to stop?” Podd asked, raising his voice a little. Gawin clenched his teeth.
This.
“This,” Podd had said, because they were something and nothing. Because what they’d built was but a house of cards waiting for the next gust of wind.
“Why aren’t you answering?”
They were at Podd’s apartment after spending the afternoon together. Everything had been fine. The past few days hadn’t had a lot of talking, just a lot of fucking. So everything was fine, until it wasn’t.
“What do you want me to say?” Gawin answered, his voice barely higher than a whisper.
He hated when Podd raised his voice, when people shouted in general and especially at him. It made him want to tape their lips together so the noise would stop, or crawl into a hole and never get out.
“The truth!”
Gawin climbed out of the bed, threw his tee-shirt over his head and started looking for his underwear.
“Fluke!”
Gawin stilled and turned around. He really didn’t want this discussion. He knew that what he’d have to say would hurt, cut deep, and that the end was inevitable. That was the truth, and it was a hard pill to swallow, even for him.
Podd was standing, his chest and bare legs tensed. His arms were crossed over his chest, one of his hands gripping his bicep, pressing indents into the muscles. Gawin had rarely seen him so worked up, and the anger, the desperation in his eyes stung.
Gawin swallowed the damn lump in his throat and sat back on the bed.
“Yeah, we should stop,” he said. Podd’s face was tense, a vein bulging on his neck where Gawin had left bruises just a few hours before. Gawin looked away, his gaze focusing on a spot past Podd’s head, just to the left, through the window where the trees swayed in the wind.
Podd huffed, a shocked sound.
“Are you really sure about this?”
Gawin’s chest tightened.
Outside, the sky was darkening with murky rainclouds.
“How are you not?”
Luke and Joss were a funny pair.
They acted like bickering siblings most of the time, and when he thought Gawin wasn’t watching, Luke made faces at Joss: kissy faces, exaggerated winks and suggestive eyebrow raises.
Gawin snorted as he caught a particularly obscene one, and hid his sneer behind a closed fist.
Ignoring his friend, Joss approached Gawin to hand him the badge all the guests wore to the event. Gawin bent his head when Joss put it around his neck, his hands lingering on his chest, smoothing non-existent wrinkles out of the band with his palms.
Gawin thanked him with an amused smile.
Joss had invited Gawin to join his and Luke’s team for a basketball match. And since Gawin arrived, Joss had been tending to his every need, getting to it before Gawin even thought about raising a finger. Gawin’s throat was dry? Joss was handing him electrolytes. He was a bit sweaty? A towel was pushed into his hands. And when he got tired during the match, Joss made sure to shadow him, so he could get a rest.
He was a perfect gentleman, Gawin thought as he drove them to a barbecue restaurant that Joss offered to pay for to celebrate their victory. Unsurprisingly, Luke declined the invitation, claiming another commitment. Gawin snorted at the thought. Of course. He should have seen that coming.
At that point, the high of the match had come down. They had been reminiscing enthusiastically during the ride, but as they neared the restaurant, calm settled between them. Gawin bit his lips, his fingers tapping the steering wheel.
He hadn’t thought much before agreeing to join the day’s match.
The day had been long and gloomy, and Gawin had been dying to get some fresh air after spending most of the week either working or sheltered at home, trying not to dwell on his sorrow. Not to think about Podd. He had been planning a hiking trip with his friends when a text from Joss had popped up. He had accepted almost immediately, seduced by the idea of playing basketball after a long time.
He’d wanted to see Joss too, but that, he didn’t dare to mull over.
Anxiety washed over him.
What were they doing exactly?
Gawin kept driving, night lights streaking around them, Joss a calm but solid presence next to him.
If Gawin let himself go, if he went with the flow, what would happen?
Nerves, like tiny pinpricks, were dancing under his skin.
Joss wouldn’t be lighthearted about it.
It would be something serious, something real, and Gawin didn’t do too well with real.
That never worked out.
During the dinner, Gawin’s worries diminished.
Things were always easier after a couple of beers, and as always, being with Joss was easy. Besides the lingering tension when Joss stared at him for a little too long, it was just like being with a long-time friend. So Gawin found himself babbling more than usual, discussing their game’s highlights and joking about random things.
They talked late into the night, Joss’ foot pressed against the leg of Gawin’s chair. Gawin hadn’t mentioned it, but he was acutely aware of it. And when their legs brushed together, the hairs on his body stood on end.
The restaurant closed.
They stood pressed together against Gawin’s car as they waited for Joss’ cab. Joss’ shoulder was large and strong, and a strangely reassuring weight against him. It made Gawin want to lean on him, to trust him, to make sure things were alright, just this once.
When Joss leaned dangerously close, Gawin didn’t move away. His eyes fluttered, his guts twisted with anticipation, and his lips tingled. At this moment, he was not thinking anymore. It was just them in this dark parking lot, in the middle of the noisy city, where no one knew who they were, and the future did not matter. It had been a long time since Gawin had felt so utterly at peace.
Gawin’s breath shallowed, the air staying trapped in his chest as Joss came even closer.
But then red flashed against his eyelids, and with a jolt, Gawin opened his eyes to car lights.
The automobile stopped next to them, and a bald-headed man pushed his head out of the rolled-down window.
“Joss Wayar?” The taxi driver asked.
And, oh right, Joss’ cab.
Gawin shifted away, his pulse beating loudly in his ears.
Joss, on the other hand, had barely moved. He stood up slowly, the corners of his mouth downturned.
“It’s your call,” Gawin said, gesturing for Joss to get in the car and slowly backing out. “Thank you for today.”
Joss didn’t move. He stayed tall. Earnest.
“I’ll text you,” he said.
Gawin’s smile shook a little.
“Yeah. S-Sure. Okay.”
Gawin waved stiffly.
Joss, though he seemed reluctant, left.
Gawin climbed into his car and pressed his forehead against the steering wheel.
A few days later, Podd was waiting for him at the end of his vocal lesson.
Gawin hummed as he walked through the parking lot. The lesson had been long and satisfying, and his throat was pleasantly raspy. But when Gawin reached his car, Podd was leaning on the hood, hands shoved in his pockets. As soon as he spotted Gawin, he rushed to meet him.
Gawin sighed.
They had already gone over this. They’d talked and talked, both admitting their relationship was hitting a wall. Well, Podd had talked a lot, and Gawin had mostly listened. The conclusion was still the same: whatever they were was over.
But, alas, here they were again, for round one hundred.
Gawin hoped it would be the last.
Because it hurt. It hurt every damn time.
“Hey,” Gawin greeted him, opening his car with one press of a button.
The doors unlocked with a slightly ominous click.
“Hey, can we talk?”
Podd grabbed his arm, his face pleading but his tone firm.
Gawin shrugged.
“Sure, get in.”
They sat in the car, and Gawin turned on the engine.
The AC hummed, sending cooling breaths through the cabin.
Gawin fidgeted, restless as tension built up. Even without looking, he could see the taut line of Podd’s shoulders and the way his mouth worked silently as he tried to find something adequate to say. Gawin, though he wasn’t faring any better, felt sorry for his former partner. Sure, their relationship wasn’t great at the moment, but he didn’t hate Podd. He never had.
Gawin pushed his bangs back with a tired hand.
“So, what is it that you wanted to talk about?”
Podd turned to face him and once again reached for him, clasping Gawin’s fingers.
“I don’t want to end things,” Podd said, strong and sure. Gawin’s hand hung loosely between his. Podd tightened his hold. “We didn’t even try properly. I think you’re wrong when you say we couldn’t work. How can you know if you didn’t even give us a chance?”
Gawin gazed out the window. The sun was blazing, and the world had a burnt yellow tint.
“Everything we did all this time… Don’t you think that was us giving it a chance?”
Podd seemed taken aback for a second, but he recovered quickly.
“No. Not really.”
“Why?” Gawin rubbed the bridge of his nose with his free hand. They’d spent so much time together: working, talking, having fun, fucking… It hadn’t changed a thing. “What else could we have done?”
Podd shook his head, his brows furrowed. “Date. For real. We could date.”
Gawin let out a long, audible exhale, trying to get rid of the sorrow and fatigue cluttering his chest. It didn’t make him feel any better.
“Podd… What difference would it make?”
The words stung Podd more than Gawin anticipated, and his fingers trembled over Gawin’s.
“It would change the way you view me,” Podd said after a pause. “It would change the way you view us. Sure, we spent time together, but it was always more like friends hanging out.” His fingers rubbed helplessly into the hollow of Gawin’s wrist. “You never took me seriously. And I was probably in the wrong, too. I’m sure I did things that made you think that we weren’t worth giving a shot…”
Gawin’s stomach dropped. His insides twisted as he listened to Podd, whose face twitched as he spoke.
“But, Fluke, the intimacy. Real intimacy, the kind that doesn’t involve sex… We never had that.”
Gawin took a shaky inhale.
He was right.
“It’s because of me,” Gawin thought.
Sometimes, he wondered if the moments they had shared were an illusion, fragments of another life, or of Sun and Mork, their characters. And maybe Gawin had never truly been himself. Had he unconsciously pretended to be someone else? Shaped a persona that would be up to Podd’s expectations? Maybe. Maybe he did, to be accepted, to feel loved.
Gawin’s eyes burned.
“It’s too late,” he choked out.
A hand came to cup the side of his face, and Podd was mere inches away, his eyes shiny.
Gawin tried to pull away, but Podd brought him closer.
“Is it, really?” Podd asked in a trembling breath before pulling him in.
The kiss was hot and salty, Podd’s lips chapped against his.
With his chest heavy, Gawin kissed back.
That kiss didn’t taste like a promise. It tasted like goodbye.
Gawin’s lips stung when they broke apart.
“Yeah. Yes, it is.”
Gawin and Podd decided to remain friends.
Their relationship would never be the same, but maybe it could be healthier, more honest.
Podd still called him from time to time.
The calls were awkward, and Gawin never knew what to say. He answered Podd’s questions and asked some mundane ones in return. All their conversations sounded the same. And every time, Podd’s name flashed on his screen, Gawin wanted to scream. Yet he picked up most of the time. The few times he hadn’t, guilt, brutal and rancid, welled up inside him.
Gawin wasn’t very good at talking, but he had a lot of things to say.
He could feel them building up inside of him.
It felt like two invisible hands were wrapped around his throat, their thumbs pressed against his trachea.
Gawin believed that if he ignored them, they would disappear at some point, and that if he stayed busy enough, his problems would go with them. But weeks passed, and the hands were still present, squeezing harder every day.
Sometimes, he daydreamed.
The hands were gone, and Gawin was brave and ruthless.
Cutting, cold words came out of his mouth regardless of the consequences, and it felt good. During those imaginary moments, the tightness in his throat loosened, but once he came back to himself, shame flooded him. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. He didn’t want to be cruel. So he locked the words deep in the dark part of his heart he didn’t like to see.
However, one day, the words started to spill out.
He and Podd were on the phone. Again. Silence filled the conversation more often than not, and Gawin didn’t know why Podd kept these calls going. They obviously both had a terrible time.
Gawin was sitting in his bedroom, his phone lying next to him on speaker while he strummed his guitar. His fingers mechanically worked on the chords as he practiced dexterity drills, the sound of Podd’s voice dulling with the music.
Podd wanted to try a new fishing spot the following month.
Gawin had liked these outings before.
He liked the sea and the calming sounds of the waves crashing against the boat hull. And when it was just the two of them in the middle of the ocean, it felt like they mattered.
“So? Are you free? We could set up a tent, wake up early, and jump on a boat. What do you think?”
Podd’s voice was earnest. Gawin could imagine him pressing his phone against his ear and rubbing the fabric of his shorts anxiously as he waited for Gawin’s answer.
Gawin grimaced.
This sucked.
His phone vibrated on his desk.
A notification appeared on the screen, a name sitting high and proud on top of it.
Gawin’s heart stuttered.
His hands stilled on his guitar, and he reached for his phone instead.
Joss was inviting him to Gun’s café opening.
He hadn’t seen Joss in a while. Hadn’t seen his face except from his social media posts. It was strange. After the dinner and the moment they had shared, Gawin thought he’d hear from him sooner. In some ways, it had been a relief not to. Gawin didn’t know how he would handle the situation just yet. He had a lot to deal with already.
Though when Joss’ picture popped up on his feed, Gawin could still feel Joss’s breath on his lips and the sound of his own heartbeat drumming in his ears.
“Fluke? You still there?”
Podd’s voice took Gawin out of his head.
“Yeah, sorry.”
“So you up to go fishing?” Podd asked again, eager.
Gawin closed his eyes. This had to stop.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said carefully. “I think some space would be good for me… and you. So, no, I won’t be coming.”
“Oh.”
Podd sounded surprised, as if he had thought Gawin joining him had truly been a possibility. “Okay, then.”
Another silence. This time more uncomfortable.
Gawin put his guitar down. It was time to end both their suffering. He took a breath, ready to say goodbye, when Podd said, “You know I went to a work dinner, for Mama Gogo.”
Gawin frowned.
“Yes?”
“I talked to Joss,” Podd continued, and the hands around Gawin’s throat pressed harder. “He doesn’t like me much.”
There was noise a few rooms away, in the kitchen. Gawin heard the faucet run and the clinking of glasses.
He didn’t speak.
“But we talked a lot, and found some common ground, I think. So maybe he’ll stop staring daggers at me from now on.” Podd laughed, but it didn’t seem sincere at all. “But you, on the other hand, he seems to like. A lot.”
Ah.
Gawin held his breath.
“Did he talk to you recently?”
“Why?” Gawin asked, his tone colder than he had intended.
“I’m just curious. When I told him we weren’t together, he looked like he’d just won the lottery, so I figured he’d shoot his shot. With you.”
The notification was still bright on Gawin’s phone. Joss’s name was clear, almost offensive, as he listened to Podd’s bitter voice.
“So, did he?”
Podd’s insistent voice grated on Gawin’s nerves.
“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”
That was harsh, but Gawin was tired.
He was so done with all of this.
“Ah,” Podd made a hollow sound. “I guess I got my answer.”
“About the fight. Do you think you can win?”
“Ah. I know I’m going to win.”
Gawin had met Joss at the opening. He’d sent a positive reply to his invite the next day after receiving it, because why the hell not? He needed something good, and Joss was just that. But now that he stood in front of him – gorgeous and intoxicating – Gawin realized he was playing a dangerous game.
The coffee shop was packed and loud, and they’d been flirting since Gawin got there.
They were talking about Joss’ upcoming boxing match, but the undertones in each word sent thrills up Gawin’s spine.
Someone bumped into Joss, who braced himself not to topple into Gawin.
He was always like this, careful and attentive, ready to take a hit to keep Gawin safe.
Gawin looked up, searching the other man’s face, his chest swelling with light.
Had someone ever made him feel this valued? Cared for?
They were standing face to face, the tip of their sneakers touching.
Joss’ nose grazed Gawin’s forehead, and Gawin exhaled a trembling breath.
He did not move.
“A bit cocky, aren’t you?” Gawin said against Joss’ cheek.
Joss smiled – that same smile that always threw Gawin off – and inched closer.
“Why would I go into a fight expecting failure?”
“So you never lose?” Gawin asked, brow quirking.
And, oh, he wanted to kiss him. He wanted to grab Joss by his perfectly tailored shirt and taste him.
Gawin’s breath caught when Joss’s finger found the back of his wrist.
“I didn’t say that… Just know I always give my best…In everything,” Joss said, and Gawin sputtered a laugh, tipping his head back, flustered.
This wasn’t what he had planned. He’d thought they would just share a good time, have fun, flirt a little, but nothing more. But with the way things were advancing, would Gawin really be able to stop? He’d boarded a train he couldn’t control, and it was moving faster and faster.
A streak of fear flashed through him, low in his stomach, but Joss’s warmth was too distracting.
Gawin got a whiff of his cologne as he leaned closer, their chests brushing.
“Is that a promise?”
“Absolutely.”
Biting his lip, Gawin looked away.
“Let’s see if -” he began, before freezing.
Podd was there and looked frantic. He was walking towards them with long strides, squeezing past people, his gaze locked on Gawin.
Blood, hot and furious, rushed to Gawin’s head as he watched Podd approach.
Podd stopped in front of them. His gaze flickered between the two, his eyes narrowing at their proximity. He greeted Joss flatly before focusing his attention on Gawin.
“Fluke, can I talk to you?”
Gawin let out an incredulous sigh and pressed his lips into a thin line.
“Why?”
“I just want to talk.”
The chatter around them had oddly decreased, and Gawin caught several people staring at them curiously. His nostrils flared in annoyance.
“Five minutes.”
He followed Podd outside, stiff with anger. This was the last straw. He could feel his pulse pounding at his temple. Rarely in his life had he been so angry. And just like that, everything he’d kept repressed boiled over.
“Why the fuck are you here?”
Podd was startled, surprised. Gawin didn’t swear often, and the harshness of his tone made Podd take a step back. His previous bravado deflated, but he didn’t back away.
“I just needed to see you…” Podd said, hunching forward. “I thought about you, about us, and how much you mean to me.”
Podd was talking, but Gawin could barely hear over the loud beating in his ears. Then he felt them, those dark, warm eyes that seemed to follow him everywhere. Joss was watching through the shop window, looking like he was waiting for Gawin to signal him to step in. But behind that look, Gawin could sense anxiety. “Don’t leave. Don’t leave. Don’t leave,” these eyes were screaming at him.
Gawin heaved out a pained sigh.
What had he done?
What was he doing?
Gawin looked back at Podd, steeled with resolve.
“How did you even know where I was?” he spat. Podd flinched, hurt flashing across his features.
“I didn’t,” Podd started, faltering when Gawin assessed him darkly. “I took a guess… But it doesn’t matter. Fluke, I love you.”
Something inside Gawin trembled, cracked, and fury erupted out of him.
“Podd,” Gawin said slowly, his breath coming in short, trembling waves. His head was spinning. His hands were shaking. “What are you doing? Isn’t this enough? You love me?” Gawin looked away, trying to regain his calm, his chest rising and falling deeply. “You know as well as I do that’s not true. Maybe you love me as a friend, but you know damn well it’s nothing more than that.”
Podd tried to protest. He didn’t succeed.
“I’m not done,” Gawin said, pacing with his hands moving wildly at his sides. “What you think you love doesn’t exist. You love the idea of me, you love what we could be, but you don’t love me. You don’t see me.”
Unshed tears clogged Gawin’s throat. He closed a fist over his heart, his shirt bunching under his trembling fingertips.
“This needs to stop. Please, for both of our sakes, stop. I don’t want to hate you. Don’t make me hate you. Please. Please, go.”
Podd opened his mouth in shock.
“Fluke…”
Podd took a step towards him, maybe to apologize, maybe to argue back or to comfort him.
Gawin didn’t care. Later, maybe he would regret how he’d phrased things, how brutal it all sounded. But right now, it felt good. Freeing.
“Go.”
“This time, it’s really over,” Gawin thought in a daze as Joss led him away from the café.
It hurt.
It hurt so bad.
But it had been necessary.
Once Podd finally left, anger and strength drained out of him.
He had stood there, curled on himself, swallowing back tears when Joss joined him and wrapped an arm over his shoulders. Gawin leaned into his side, closing his eyes. They stayed pressed together for a long time, Joss’ warmth preventing him from falling apart.
After Gawin recovered, Joss took him to an arcade. They played for hours, Gawin losing himself in the games, letting his mind focus on the pixel characters before him. He surprised himself, bursting out laughing as Joss gave his all at Dance Dance Revolution, pounding the arrows like his life depended on it, no matter how silly he looked.
With him, things felt different.
“Uh, about earlier… I wanted to apologize. For what happened with Podd, I mean.”
They had moved to a nearby park and were sitting in the shade of the trees, the wind brushing their skin and the lingering taste of ice cream on their tongues.
“I didn’t mean to… make a scene or cause drama… I’m sorry,” Gawin went on, his leg bouncing under the table, fingers wriggling a plastic spoon. “You shouldn’t have had to deal with that.”
Joss laid a hand on his wrist, and Gawin stilled.
“It’s okay. I’m glad I was there,” Joss said, his face serious but his gaze soft.
“Why?”
“We had a great time afterward. We left that stuffy place. I even proved who the real Dance Dance Revolution Champion is…”
Gawin chuckled. He did that a lot with Joss.
“You were just as bad as me!”
Joss ignored his remark and lifted a last finger.
“… and I got to cheer you up. To be there for you when you needed me. That’s another win.”
Flutters spread through Gawin’s body. He gaped, stunned.
“So, you have nothing to apologize for,” Joss said, and Gawin could not look away.
How could this be real?
How could he look so sincere?
Where did this devotion come from?
No matter how hard he looked, Gawin couldn’t find any trace of insincerity in Joss’ gaze.
Gawin pulled his hand back, looking away, his face hot.
He hadn’t done anything to deserve any of this.
A rock ballad coming from the ice cream truck drifted into the air. A melancholic tune that stirred Gawin’s guts.
A few weeks later, Gawin received a call to audition for a new series.
The details were still unclear, but the story seemed exciting. A modern Thai vampire tale.
Unfortunately, he was supposed to play a human, so he wouldn’t get the chance to wear fake fangs and pretend to burn under the sun. But without much hesitation, Gawin agreed to audition.
The next day, Joss was calling him.
“Did you hear about the audition for the vampire series?” Joss asked.
Gawin was slouched on his sofa, the TV remote in one hand and a frozen image on the large screen.
Gawin sat straighter, surprised.
“Yeah, how do you know about that?”
“Because I’m gonna be in it.”
Gawin’s heart leaped to his throat.
“You will?”
“Yeah. You can call me Josscula.”
Joss’ grin was obvious even through the phone. Gawin shook his head incredulously.
Shooting a series with Joss would be fun. But was it a good idea? After the Podd fiasco, Gawin had grown anxious about the evolution of their relationship, but keeping his distance was proving harder than he’d anticipated.
“Who are you auditioning for? Nakan?”
“Uh-huh. Try again.”
“You’re Mark?” Gawin’s eyes widened.
“Yep, the audition is scheduled soon. I’m counting on you to crush it.”
Gawin let out a stiff, uncomfortable laugh.
If Gawin got the role, they would be paired together. A sense of dread at the deja vu fell upon him.
“W-what about you? How do you feel about me?”
Gawin cupped Joss’ cheek.
The camera was rolling, and the director, Ark, observed the audition intently.
Gawin caressed Joss’ cheek with his thumb and inched closer.
He’d arrived late to the audition, and the director didn’t look very impressed with his performance so far. Gawin had spent the night tossing and turning. He’d slept badly, woken up late, and gotten stuck in traffic. Everything seemed to tell him to bail on the audition, yet here he was, doing his best to get the part.
Joss wet his lips, and Gawin tracked the movement.
Maybe Gawin was making a terrible mistake, but he wanted this.
He hadn’t wanted something this much in a long time. When he was with Joss, he felt reckless, and urges he thought had vanished came rushing back. Joss made him dream, made him hope, made him believe anything was possible.
Gawin kissed Joss.
The kiss wasn’t in the script, but it felt natural. Gawin deepened it, his tongue brushing Joss’ lip.
Gawin hummed.
Earlier, Joss had put his fingers between them, preventing their lips from touching. Gawin didn’t know if it was out of respect or shyness, but it had been incredibly frustrating, especially with how layered the tension between them was. Joss wanted to kiss him; it was obvious in the way he pursed his mouth, in the tight pull of his muscles every time Gawin got near, and the way he mirrored each of Gawin’s breaths.
Joss moaned, grabbed the back of Gawin’s neck, and tugged him closer.
Joss’ reservations were probably valid.
He was always the more reasonable of the two.
A low, throaty sound escaped Gawin.
He was drowning, burning up.
Gawin broke the kiss, skin tingling.
“…Mark?” he said.
They needed to stay focused. They were playing characters. They were Mark and Tong. Not Gawin and Joss. There was no Gawin and Joss.
“Are… Aren’t you afraid of me?” Joss asked, falling back into his role.
Yes, Gawin was afraid.
Because feelings shouldn’t develop this fast. Because he didn’t want to get hurt again.
Joss looked at him, dazed. His hand was still on Gawin’s nape, his hold gentle and firm, adoration gleaming in his eyes.
Gawin’s pulse faltered.
He didn’t want him to get hurt either.
“I like you,” Joss said.
Gawin’s hands tightened around his coffee cup. In front of him, his plate of congee and braised chicken was growing cold.
“I- I like you, too,” he breathed.
They were now officially a pair under GMMTV, with a new series in the works.
After a drunken night out with Force and Book, Joss convinced Gawin to crash at his place. They shared Joss’ bed, Gawin passing out almost immediately after hitting the mattress. Nothing had happened between them, but when Gawin woke up to the sound of the shower running, arousal hit him like a truck.
Many, many things could still happen.
He could, for example, drop his clothes and join Joss in the shower.
Gawin rubbed a hand across his face, willing his morning wood to disappear as he set the food Joss had bought on the table. They were now colleagues and partners, and Gawin was determined to keep things professional. They could be friends, but nothing more. Gawin knew how things ended when he crossed the line, and he’d be damned if he let that happen again. But then Joss came out of the bathroom, dripping wet and shaped like a marble statue, and Gawin’s resolve wavered.
Still, Gawin stayed strong even as Joss cornered him against the sink, even as Joss tried to kiss him.
But now Joss was clothed, and there was a reasonable distance between them, yet Gawin had never been closer to throwing his conviction out the window.
“No. I really like you. I want to be with you,” Joss said, determined.
Gawin was terrified.
Terrified of the past repeating itself. Terrified of not being enough. Terrified of fucking things up.
If he let himself fall for Joss, the inevitable crash would hurt more than anything he’d ever felt before. Joss acted like he wanted to give him the world, but what if he decided one day to take it back? The very idea sent Gawin’s chest into a painful whirlwind.
“I know,” Gawin said again.
Joss pushed back his chair and came to face him.
“My feelings don’t change anything. Whatever happens, whatever you decide… we’re in this together. I’m not going to let you down. I’ve got you.”
Gawin nodded.
He wanted – desperately – to believe him.
The last straw came in the form of someone he had never met.
Dear. Just hearing that name annoyed him. It was even worse when Gawin saw the fondness in Joss’ eyes when he talked about her. Joss swore she was nothing but a friend, but Gawin couldn’t help the uneasy feeling that sank into his stomach whenever she was mentioned. Sammy was the one who had set them up, and she was known for making successful matches.
What if Joss and Dear actually got together?
What would happen to them?
Sure, they would still be partners. They had a series coming up, but things would never be the same. Joss, he had noticed, was already pulling back. He was reaching out less often. Gawin wondered if it was because he spent his time with someone else.
Gawin was starting to understand him better, and if what he had gathered was right, Joss wasn’t the type who’d keep a fling or a crush in his life if he got into a serious relationship.
The decision to invite him on a camping trip had been impulsive, and so was the move to kiss him in the darkness.
“Hey, can I ask you a question?” Gawin asked, rolling to his side to face Joss.
The night was warm, and they were both lying over their duvet. Cicadas were singing outside, and the smell of the firewood cracking in the dying flames filtered through the tent.
“Yeah, what is it?”
Gawin gnawed at his thumb in the dark.
“Are you really okay with this? With things staying like this between us?”
He’d been thinking about it all day. About bridging the gap between them.
He was still scared of getting his heart broken.
But losing Joss was an even more terrifying thought.
“Yes, I am.”
He sounded so calm, so sure of himself.
How? Gawin wanted to ask.
“Why?” he said instead.
Joss took a moment to answer.
“I don’t know. I like being your friend.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Really.”
“Okay.”
Friendship. Friendship was okay. Gawin had sworn that this was all they were going to have. Joss had a lot of friends and Gawin would just be one of them.
Friends didn’t get tender looks.
Friends didn’t kiss.
Friends came second.
“Hey, are you good?” Joss asked.
“Mh. Yes. I’m- I’m good.”
Gawin didn’t want to come second, or third. He wanted to be the one and only.
Gawin reached out to Joss, his pinky settling on Joss’ hand, tentative. He inched closer, clasped his fingers over Joss’, and closed the distance.
The peck turned into a deep embrace, and then they were messily pulling at each other’s clothes.
Touching Joss felt even better than what he remembered. He kissed as intensely as he did everything else. He was rough and passionate and attentive and loving. He was perfect.
Gawin sighed contentedly, shivering under the caresses, relief filling him as he finally let go. He let their fire burn, let the flames of the campfire consume him, and turn his doubt into ashes.
Joss and he worked really well together. They were different, and yes, sometimes, their personalities clashed. But they worked. Their chemistry was incredible. And when Joss put his lips on him and his hands on his hips, Gawin felt himself unravel. He loved Joss’s touch more than anything, and while he had been troubled with Joss’ constant need for contact at first, he was slowly growing more comfortable with it and, with time, he was even growing fond of it, craving it.
It was weird.
However, as time passed, Joss was becoming more pensive.
Every time Gawin stepped away when people looked at them for too long when they were hanging out, his expression darkened. He wanted more. He had never hidden that.
Gawin had met Joss’s friends, and he suspected they knew Joss and him were a little more than colleagues, but it had never been said out loud, so Gawin could pretend they didn’t know anything.
Things were easy when it was just the two of them, but if other people got involved, if the world knew about them, they would become real. And real things could shatter.
Gawin hated to see the pain in Joss’ eye when he pulled back.
Sometimes, Podd’s face flashed in his mind when Joss looked at him that way.
No, things were different with Joss. Because unlike any other person Gawin had even been with, Joss saw him a little bit too clearly.
Joss’ confession after the party had taken him was like a punch in the face.
Why?
Why now?
Gawin wanted to ask, but he already knew the answer.
Even if he had tried to deny it, Gawin had always known it would come to this.
“I love you,” Joss said for the third time.
The car was cold, and goosebumps crawled on the bare skin of Gawin’s arms.
He felt like throwing up.
“…But I need you to tell me we can be something more.”
Gawin pressed his eyes shut. He didn’t know what hurt more, the defeat in Joss’ tone or the fact that he couldn’t make things better.
“I know you care for me, but sometimes I worry. And I know I told you I was fine with how things are. And I was, I really was, but I don’t think I can handle it anymore. We don’t need to make promises, you don’t even have to tell me you love me back, but just tell me that there’s a chance we can have a future together.”
“I- I’m…” Gawin stammered, tears spilling out.
There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do to make the pain go away. Oh, he would have wished to tell Joss exactly what he wanted, but that was impossible. The hands around his throat were back, and Joss deserved better than lies anyway.
“It’s okay,” Joss said hollowly. “Still, I don’t think I can go on like this. If you don’t know what you want from me, if you’re not sure about us, it’s best that we go back to what we were… Until you’re ready to start something real, let’s stay friends.”
Sadness was crippling. It was inevitable and oppressive, so Gawin chose anger.
“I need to go home,” he said, his face deathly pale in the darkness.
Gawin didn’t go home until the early morning.
He drove without purpose, cranking up the volume on his CD player to drown out the feelings bubbling up. Gawin sang along to heavy rock tunes, spitting out his frustration and pain.
And for a moment, Gawin hated Joss.
How dare he push him to the wall?
Gawin had always been clear.
He needed to take things slow.
Why couldn’t Joss understand that?
When he got back home, the house was quiet, and his mother was already long asleep. He walked through the living room, his socked feet creaking the wooden floor, and dropped into a chair. The sun was rising, orange rays burning his sensitive, bloodshot eyes.
Between his fingers was a small, chipped keychain: a guitar resting on a palm tree.
He used to have it attached to his guitar case, but the chain had broken, so he usually kept it in his car. That night, Gawin couldn’t bear to leave it behind, so he took it with him. He clasped it between his fingers, the sharp leaves of the palm tree digging into his palm.
Gawin sat in silence for a long time, clutching the keychain. After a while, his eyelids drooped, and he finally decided to go to bed. He fell asleep with the little palm tree pressed against his chest.
The next day, he woke up and played video games until the sun set again.
Joss’s voice echoed in his head as he clicked his mouse, the sound filling his silent room.
“Until you’re ready to start something real, let’s stay friends.”
Gawin clicked furiously, his character swinging its sword, vibrant shapes and colors exploding at every impact.
So that was it. It was over. Just like that.
Fuck this, Gawin thought.
Deep inside, beneath the anger, feelings he wasn’t ready to face simmered.
The following week, Gawin spent most of his days at home, declining invitations.
He didn’t have any work scheduled, no events to attend. Most of his friends were busy.
Podd had stopped reaching out to him. And so had Joss.
His phone stayed blissfully silent.
Gawin didn’t mind solitude. In fact, he quite enjoyed it.
He spent his days peacefully learning new songs on the guitar, watching movies and TV shows, playing games, and sometimes, at night, going for a drive to get some fresh air.
One day, his mom asked if everything was all right, and as always, he answered, “I’m fine.”
Everything was good.
Gawin was doing just great.
Or so that was what he kept telling himself.
But the more he said it, the less it sounded true.
He knew he shouldn’t have started anything with Joss.
He knew it would end this way from the beginning.
Gawin drove down dark roads, speeding along the empty highway.
Then he took an exit and found himself back in the city.
“I’m okay. I’m good. I’m fine,” he kept telling himself whenever a dark feeling surfaced.
But he wasn’t fine.
He felt empty and too full at the same time.
Gawin eyed the little guitar – he took it everywhere – it looked lonely.
It was the middle of July, and soon, My Golden Blood’s filming would start.
Gawin would give the gift back to Joss then.
He pressed his lips together.
Every time he thought about Joss, the veil over his emotions trembled.
The AC blasted in the car; Gawin had set the temperature lower than usual, and though he was shivering, he didn’t turn it up.
Gawin stopped at a drive-through for an iced americano. It was already late, past 8:00 pm, but he’d slept in that morning and doubted he’d go to bed soon. He pulled into a parking lot, sipping mindlessly as ice tumbled in the plastic cup.
The music on the radio sucked.
Every radio channel seemed to be playing sappy love songs.
Gawin shot a bitter look at the pile of CDs tucked under the control panel. He couldn’t even listen to any of them. They reminded him of a hand on the back of his headrest as he drove, fingers in his hair, a large hand on his thigh, lips at his jaw.
He needed to buy new ones.
He plugged his phone into the car’s Bluetooth, selecting a random playlist on iTunes and drove again.
Buildings flashed past him, and without him noticing, the car wheels had taken him to Joss’ place.
Gawin sighed.
What was he doing?
He took the keychain.
The plastic was cold, almost icy on his fingertips.
The paint was chipped, the brown paint fading on the corners, and the black scrawny lines of the chords were broken in places.
Gawin ran his index finger on the palm tree, a bad habit he had acquired recently. The tree was curved yet still strong and steady, shading the guitar and keeping it safe.
Gawin closed his fist around the trinket.
They were both similar.
Lost and cold.
Gawin frowned and got out of the car.
Anger suddenly came back.
He passed the door, walked to the intercom, and scrolled for Joss’s name.
The hands around his throat were loosening.
Hello, my lovelies! I’m so sorry for disappearing for so long!
This chapter has been one of the most painful I’ve ever written. I can’t even begin to express how difficult it was. Giving Gawin his own voice, keeping track of every detail from the previous chapters, choosing which moments to revisit while making sure the story kept moving forward… Lawd. I need a good night’s sleep.
It’s currently 5 a.m. because I absolutely didn’t want to break the promise I made to you all, so I stayed up to finish editing this chapter tonight. I think I spent more time working on this chapter this week than I did at the job that actually pays my rent! Oops!
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and that getting a deeper glimpse into Gawin’s psyche was interesting. Writing from Gawin’s POV is always challenging for me, but I’m also working on an ABO fanfic with him as the main protagonist. It’s not finished yet, but I’ll be posting it bit by bit on my website before uploading the completed version to AO3.
On another note, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m a huge Joss stan. This fic is a love letter to JossGawin, but especially to Joss, since I explore his character more deeply. I know some of you don’t always agree with the choices he makes in this story, but I hope I’ve managed to convey just how much respect and admiration I have for this beautiful man.
I’m constantly inspired by his strength, his kindness, his resilience, and his beautiful heart. I love you, Joss. I know blessings will keep coming your way, not only because you work so hard for them, but because all the good you quietly and selflessly put into the world will come back to you tenfold.
See you soon!
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