Chapter 15

Their team lost the Starolympics.

Joss watched his teammates, their faces marked with defeat, with a heavy heart. His throat tightened. He was the one who’d thrown them off, getting hurt right at the end. Everyone kept telling him it wasn’t his fault. But he knew better. If he’d just taken care of himself, if he hadn’t pushed so hard, things would be different.

However, this was a matter of the past, and there was no fixing it. All Joss could do was learn and move on. He wished that sometimes life would teach him without pain, but it seemed that suffering was required for him to get the lessons through his skull. Next time, he would do better, pull back before things could take a wrong turn.

His sprained ankle forced him to slow down and think.

Maybe a bit too much.

After being strictly forbidden to use his ankle for a few weeks, he was then prescribed rehab for two months to regain mobility. It was a pain, literally. But stillness brought clarity. And as he reflected on his life, his aspirations, and his relationships, he read until the lines of his self-improvement books blurred, and the wisdom seeped into his mind, and eventually his frustration dissipated.

Every time, he left the rehab center with sweat dripping down his hair, strained but feeling stronger, his ankle and his feelings healing together.

Even though the last misunderstanding between him and Gawin had been cleared, some tension remained. It was there, evident in the awkward touches, in the too-long silences and the averted eyes… But they were still seeing each other, still talking, and still making out in dark corners or hidden in Joss’ condo.

When Gawin refused to see him, declined his invitations to meet because of this or that, Joss tried not to take it personally. To not let his heart bruise. He was the boxer, but Gawin was a fighter in his own, dismissive way, his guard strong and his words landing where they hurt most. And sometimes, when the night was dark, and loneliness crept in, Joss wondered if it was not better for them to leave the ring altogether.

He had said that he would not give up, could not give up even if he wanted to, and he didn’t plan to go back on his word. Yet, he was just human, and his resolves faltered with every rejection. The weight of uncertainty pinned him down.

Was he enough?

Would he ever be enough?

The answers that came up always left a sour taste on his tongue.

So Joss let time, let the space that floated between them – sometimes suffocating, sometimes sweet – do the work.

December had flown by. Festivities and the New Year flashed past him at lightning speed.

After a month of diligent rehabilitation, the doctor finally cleared him to resume physical practice, and he was allowed to step back on the court. He’d invited Gawin to join him, just the two of them, to rekindle something that had brought them together in the first place, something he’d been forbidden to enjoy for a while. He wasn’t sure why his voice had shaken a little when he called Gawin, offering to meet for a game.

Gawin had promptly accepted the invitation, surprising Joss with his eagerness.

The next day, they were facing each other on the orange court.

Joss dribbled, testing his footing, as he walked toward the hoop. His ankle still felt unstable and weak, but it didn’t hurt much anymore when he rested weight on it. He just had to make sure not to overdo it.

He tossed the ball, and it landed smoothly inside the hoop, passing through the net in a bristle of chains.

“Still got it,” Joss bragged, teasing.

He rolled his shoulders, chasing away the tightness between his shoulder blades.

Gawin snorted, a corner of his mouth curling in amusement. He caught the ball at the rebound and went for a shot right after.

“Yeah, not bad. I’ll give you that,” he said, passing the ball to Joss. “You up for a match? First to reach 10 points wins.”

“Sure, why not?” Joss answered, rising up to the challenge, and chuckling at the competitive glint in Gawin’s eyes.

“The loser buys dinner?” Gawin continued, taunting, and Joss felt his muscles relax further as he laughed.

“I’m barely healed, and you already want to rob me,” Joss complained, and Gawin wiggled his eyebrows playfully at him, shrugging.

Then Gawin laughed, a quiet, intimate thing that warmed Joss up, filling him up with fondness. He congratulated himself for daring to invite Gawin for a quick game.

“I’m just kidding,” Gawin finally conceded, passing him the ball.

“You sure looked like you meant it,” Joss said, throwing another shot and missing this time.

For a month, his right foot had been on stand-by, preventing him from going forward. Stillness, patience, and resilience were virtues he had practiced during that time. He knew he needed to master these qualities quickly, or disaster was inevitable.

“Well, I’m an actor,” Gawin shrugged again.

They played for a few hours, tossing the ball from each corner of the court. Yet, three people could have easily fit between them. The ghosts of the things that remained unsaid kept them apart.

“Are you going to the wedding party on the 31st?” Joss asked when they were headed back, stopping at a little stall to grab coffee.

“I’m thinking about it. Why? Are you going?” Gawin took a sip of his iced coffee. Joss’ treat.

“Yes, you should come too,” Joss told him, nonchalantly. His coffee was warm in his hand, still too hot to drink, so he couldn’t use it as a distraction. He’d been rummaging through his brain for things they could do together, to ease the awkwardness, to close the distance that remained between them for more than a month. Basketball didn’t do the trick, especially since he couldn’t play properly, but he was short on ideas, and Gawin didn’t seem to want to cooperate much. “A lot of people from the company will be there. It’s going to be fun.”

Gawin looked at him through the shades perched on his nose and nodded.

“Then I’ll go too.”

Joss broke into a smile.

“Great, maybe we could go together? I’ll come pick you up,” Joss offered readily.

Gawin took another sip of his drink, the ice tumbling into the plastic cup.

“Nah, it’d be a waste of time, you’d have to make a huge detour. I’ll come get you,” he said, his words final, and Joss simply nodded, happy.

 

 

***

 

The room was packed. Dim lights, live musicians, and alcohol flowing.

Joss followed Gawin’s slim frame through the crowd. Dressed in all black, his waist enhanced by a soft turtleneck, and his bangs brushing past the tips of his ears. It was not difficult to keep his eyes on him. Actually, Joss had been devouring him with his eyes since he’d pulled up at his condo, looking like sins and dreams.

After climbing in the car, Joss had thrown one look at him and had seen the same desire reflected in Gawin’s eyes. Soon after the car seat was pulled back, wet sounds filling the vehicle.

So, of course, they were a little late, but that didn’t matter. The party had started well in their absence, and when they arrived, numerous people swayed with the music, faces flushed and laughs easy.

“Hey, you’re here!” A short woman greeted them as they approached the bar. Ciize patted Joss’ back, and he gave her a quick hug. It’d been a while since they last saw each other. She greeted Gawin as well with a broad smile. She was surrounded by a small group of their colleagues, other GMMTV actors and artists that Joss had met before, some of whom he was even well-acquainted with. They all exchanged warm greetings.

“I heard that you two have been paired,” she continued with a knowing smile. “I thought you’d stay in Lakorn forever, Joss.”

Joss shrugged with a small smile.

“Better opportunities presented themselves.”

Ciize nodded, her eyes flickering between the two men. Gawin was busy chatting with someone else, a drink already in hand. Ciize leaned close, pulling Joss’ arm so she could talk into his ear. “You found a good one, huh?” she snickered, patting his arm with her small hand. “Well done!” She left him to his own devices after getting tangled in another stream of conversation.

Joss found himself blushing. He scratched the side of his face, bashful.

Alone once again, he then joined Gawin, Joong, and Dunk, who were trying to get Gawin to sing on stage.

After a little discussion that led to Gawin’s capitulation, he ended up with a mic on the small stage, musicians on either side.

Joss admired him. As always, he looked right at home on stage, people cheering for him. It was heartwarming to see him so at peace. Gawin found him in the crowd and held his gaze for a while, a soft smile lingering on his lips. Joss’ pulse stuttered, and a wide grin crossed his face, feeling warm both from one too many drinks and giddiness.

He loved him so much.

The alcohol loosening his limbs, he swayed with the rest of the crowd, clapping to the rhythm.

A soft nudge at his side took him out of his reverie.

“You’re lucky,” Joong told Joss, forcing him to tear his eyes off Gawin.

“What?” Joss raised a questioning eyebrow.

“You’re lucky,” Joong repeated again. “It seems great what you two have.”

Heat spread to Joss’ neck and ears.

“Ah, yes. We get along well…” He said, straightened his stance, and crossed his arms. “But you too, with Dunk,” he added, pointing at the said man who was busy laughing with a group not far from them.

Joong shook his head, a veil of sadness shadowing his face.

“No, it’s not the same. Feelings in this industry – like what you seem to have… It seems strong. Cherish it.”

“Oh- we’re not. Not really-” Joss spluttered, taken aback. Words died in his mouth when Joong met his gaze, something deep swimming in his dark eyes.

“But at least you have a chance.”

And oh. Joss took a sharp inhale. Joong’s eyes were fixed on Dunk’s profile. When he looked back at Joss, it was with resignation, or envy, or both. “Give it your all, man. I’m rooting for you two.”

And just like that, after a light pat on Joss’ back, he disappeared.

It was the second person to make such a remark that night.

Joss slowly looked back at Gawin, who was still singing on stage.

Did people tell him these kinds of things as well? Or was Joss too transparent? What would Gawin have done if he had heard Joong’s comment?

Joss frowned and took a swing of his cocktail, focusing on the pleasant burn in his throat.

He’d rather not find out.

 

 

***

 

 

They stumbled back to Joss’ apartment, giggling like children. Joss’ head felt light, his cheeks sore from smiling too much. He had definitely drunk way past his usual self-imposed limits. His face was warm with the liquor, giddiness flowing through his veins.

“No, no, no,” he said, slurring a little. “If I were in Dragon Ball, I wouldn’t be Goku. I’d be someone cooler, like Trunks.”

They were in the car, Gawin, who had a lot less to drink and a better tolerance anyway, driving them back to Joss’ place. It was past four in the morning, and they had stayed partying with the others till the club kicked them out, then finished it off in a bar afterward.

“And who’s that again?” Gawin asked, snickering at Joss’ outraged expression. He took a turn, the blinkers ticking as he entered the condo’s parking lot.

“Y’know, Vegeta and Bulma’s son,” Joss supplied, but that bit of information only deepened Gawin’s questioning frown. “The one with the purple bowl haircut… He has a sword!”

“The emo himbo?” Gawin said, turning off the engine. “He was kinda hot.”

“Right? That’s me, man!”

Gawin snorted, looking Joss up and down, then laughing out loud. “I just imagined you with that stupid hairstyle. I don’t think that’s the look for you, bro.”

“You underestimate me. I’m the Cosplay King! I’m sure I could pull it off,” Joss said, and added when Gawin looked unconvinced. “I could!”

Gawin let out another amused huff.

“Yeah, okay. Sure. We’ve arrived, you can Super Saiyan out of the car.”

Joss frowned, his mouth pursing into a disappointed pout.

“Don’t you wanna stay the night?”

“I told my mom I would go do some errands with her tomorrow,” the musician said, and he poked Joss’ dimple, who pretended to grumble in outrage.

“Just sleep here, you can go back in the morning.”

“It’s already the morning.”

“You know what I mean. Stay. You’re tired, just sleep here a little, then we can have breakfast together, and you can leave in the late morning, okay? I’ll lend you some clothes. Don’t you remember how comfy my bed is, mmh? Come on.”

“You’re so bossy when you’re drunk,” Gawin complained, unplugging his seatbelt and finally following Joss to his apartment.

“I just want what’s best for you,” Joss said, and Gawin raised a dubitative eyebrow. Joss pointed at himself. “Me.”

Gawin laughed again, letting himself be gently pushed to the condo, both of Joss’ hands sitting firmly on his shoulders. Gawin jumped when, finally hidden inside the sleeping building, Joss buried his head in his neck and proceeded to lay a trail of pecks to his jaw.

“Hey, what are you doing? People could see!” He elbowed Joss in the ribs, who exaggeratedly folded in two.

“But babe, you look so good, you smell so good…” Joss said, closing the distance again by throwing an arm around Gawin’s shoulder.

“Jeez, never drink again. You’re unmanageable, and did you just call me babe?” Gawin complained, but he was smiling, and his ears were an irresistible shade of red. Unable to stop himself, Joss nipped on one, Gawin shivering under his touch.

“Joss…” Gawin warned him, pushing his face away, his cheeks coloring.

Joss grinned and kept his arms around Gawin’s middle. And, as soon as they were past the doorway, he slammed Gawin against the nearest wall and snuggled against his back.

“I can’t believe this…” Gawin said, not opposing any kind of resistance once they were in the confines of Joss’s place. His body felt like hot coal underneath Joss’ palms. Joss sneaked his hands underneath the soft fabric of Gawin’s top and caressed the plains of his torso, his mouth covering the singer’s neck with kisses.

Moaning, Gawin pushed his back against Joss’ body, pressed flushed, every available inch of skin pressed against one another. He moved against Joss’ hardness, his rounded cheeks sending waves of pleasure through the boxer’s body. Joss bit the side of Gawin’s neck in retaliation. Then, he urged Gawin to remove his turtleneck and flung it far into the living room, never to be found again. His torso still flush against Gawin’s now bare back, Joss took in the expanse of smooth skin, at first with his fingers, then with his tongue. Eager, he traced the middle of Gawin’s back with his mouth, who arched, squirmed, and sighed in pleasure. When Joss finally reached his waistband, he turned the singer around and dropped to his knees.

Gawin let out a surprised whimper when Joss lapped at the line underneath his navel. Joss kissed, tasted, worshipped, and every time Gawin shivered, he was overtaken by the need to see more, to get out of him more of these delicious sounds again and again.

Joss’s dress pants were tight with lust, but what his cloudy brain wanted – more than to get release – was to have Gawin naked between his fingertips, bare for his jealous eyes to see. With hasty fingers, he unbuckled Gawin’s camel-colored belt and pushed his pants and boxer briefs down in a single, swift motion.

Gawin groaned when Joss grabbed his hard, glistening length.

Joss’ pleased hum was the only warning before he took him in his mouth, his lips wrapping around the tip.

Gawin sighed, throaty and shivery, and dug his fingers into Joss’ hair. The wax Joss had used to style it had melted a long time ago, dark strands falling into his eyes, distracting him from the task at hand – from the warmth and heaviness in his mouth. Annoyed, he pushed his fringe back with his free hand. Then, finally able to drink in the sigh of Gawin’s flushed torso and even brighter face without restraints, Joss flattened his tongue underneath the shaft and dragged it along the length.

Gawin’s knees buckled. “Shit!” he hissed, his nails scraping Joss’ scalp.

Far from being deterred, Joss flattened his palms on Gawin’s abs, holding him still while he swallowed him deeper, his throat tightening. Tears welled in his eyes at the pressure at the back of his throat, and moisture collected at the corners of his mouth. Damn, he thought, arousal boiling under his skin and his underwear clinging uncomfortably to his skin. It felt too good to have Gawin at his mercy, moaning and crumbling every time he took him in deeper, sucked harder.

Keeping one hand on Gawin’s middle, Joss pushed the other one into his own pants and stroked himself, lips still working Gawin, bringing him closer to climax. The singer had started to meet Joss’ bobbing movements with sharp, jerky thrusts of his hips, salt slowly coating the roof of Joss’ mouth.

Knees getting tender on the wooden floor, Joss was also close to reaching his limit, and he rubbed himself harder. Mouth full, he sighed, and Gawin’s hips as well as his breath quickened. Feeling cheeky, Joss pulled back till his hips brushed the ruddy tip, reveling in the younger man’s distressed whimpers. Then, he slowly ran his mouth along Gawin’s hardness and swallowed him back, his lips closing around the base.

“Holy fuck!” Gawin cried.

He thrust one time, then two, and he was spilling into Joss’ mouth, who, at Gawin’s unraveling, met his own climax.

Joss swallowed, suppressing a cough, and Gawin, spent, let his body slide down to the floor.

“I take back whatever I said about you never drinking again,” he said, panting.

Joss grinned, his jaw sore. He wiped his mouth clean with the back of his hand and sat next to Gawin on the floor, back against the wall. He grabbed the singer’s hand and pressed a kiss on his knuckles before lacing their fingers together.

“You know what?” He asked, putting Gawin’s head on his shoulder.

“What?”

Gawin had closed his eyes, his bare chest slowly rising at a slower rhythm.

Joss looked at him with a wide grin. He giggled to himself, laughing at his own joke before it even left his mouth.

“I think I found something,” he said, leaning closer to peck Gawin’s cheek, who, despite himself, was also smiling, Joss’ amusement contagious.

“What is it?”

“The Dragon Balls,” Joss said, barking in laughter.

Gawin pushed him away, “Fuck off!”

And they laughed and laughed, bad joke or not.

 

***

 

 

February rolled in, and with it came a new sense of ease, a stability that Joss had almost forgotten could feel so good.

Joss threw his hands in his pockets, his jacket heavy on his shoulders, a snapback glued to his head, and large glasses perched on top of his nose. So far, no one seemed to have recognized him, and he was grateful for it. People usually weren’t too much of a bother and acted rather respectfully, so it wasn’t that he didn’t want to meet fans – he was always grateful for them – but that day in particular, he wanted to keep it for himself. A movie date. Gawin and his first movie date.

Well, technically, none of them had stated that it was indeed a date. But Joss liked to believe it was one.

These days, things were better. His ankle was getting stronger day by day, and he was allowed to go back to playing basketball and exercising as he used to. Of course, he still needed to act with caution, but after what seemed like an eternity, the physicians had given him the green light to build his routine back up. He was finally finding his footing back into the world. He had gone on a short family trip, new jobs were slowly lining up, and soon he’d be back to filming.

An excited chill ran through his spine.

The date was now set for August, and things seemed to be going well. He still had a few months before stepping on set, but he was already starting to get a deeper feel for his character, Mark, finding himself watching vampire movies and reading articles on vampire lore at odd hours of the day. The excitement was real, even more so with how well things were currently with Gawin.

They had a lot of highs and lows, but since Joss’ injury, Gawin was becoming softer. Joss wasn’t sure how to describe it exactly; it wasn’t like the singer’s behavior had done a complete 180, but the way he looked at Joss had something tender in it now. Something more vulnerable and warm, and when Joss tried to steal a hug or a kiss, he was now more eager to respond, sometimes even initiating physical contact. Joss had figured that, unlike him, Gawin was not a touchy-feely kind of guy, but progressively, he was opening up: a casual hand on his shoulder, an unintentional brush of hands… It wasn’t often, but it was there, and Joss had not missed it. Somehow, their relationship, as friends/colleagues who sometimes fooled around, was evolving into something purer. Into something that Joss didn’t dare to name.

He looked around, waiting patiently.

Gawin had sent him a text telling him he was on his way. Joss glanced at the snack shop, internally debating whether to buy drinks and popcorn. He wasn’t sure what Gawin liked. He was pondering between cheese, caramel, and salted butter when his phone rang.

“Hey, handsome! How are you?” Dear’s voice was cheerful, though slightly out of breath, as if she was rushing somewhere.

“Oh, hey, what’s up? I’m at the cinema right now,” Joss explained, moving to a different aisle, his eyes scanning the products and grimacing at very dubious nutritional labels.

“Oh, sorry, am I interrupting?”

“No, it’s fine. The movie hasn’t started yet. I’m waiting for my friend.”

“Mmh, friend or boyfriend? Did you finally seduce your little crush? It’s been so long since I last saw you, I don’t know what’s going on in your life anymore…”

Joss shook his head, smiling to himself. Since he had been injured, he had stopped training Dear. She didn’t need his help anymore, anyway. The role she was preparing for had unfortunately been given to someone else, but she had taken a liking to the sport and was now attending boxing classes regularly. Unfortunately, their schedules often clashed, and Joss wasn’t allowed to go back to boxing just yet, so they hadn’t met in a long time.

“We can meet for coffee sometimes,” Joss said, not answering her question and ignoring the long hum that the girl gave him in response. She was not duped, but still, he changed the subject. “Why did you call me? Did you need something?”

“Can’t I call my friend?” She pretended to be affronted, but her mock-anger dissolved in a chuckle. “I called to thank you! You know, I didn’t get the role I was training for? Well, I guess it’s not that bad. I’m a terrible actress anyway, but whatever, the thing is that a big brand saw a post of me boxing on Instagram and contacted my manager. They want me to become a sports model, the face of their new campaign! And it’s all thanks to you for making me look so badass!” She told him excitedly.

“Wow! Congratulations!” Just as the words spilled out of his mouth, Gawin appeared in the distance, and Joss waved at him, tracking his movements as the singer approached with bouncy steps. “That’s amazing! You worked really hard for this! You deserve it. It’s only the beginning of a long line of success, I’m sure of it.”

“Thank you! My girlfriend is throwing me a party, and I was wondering if you’d like to come.”

Joss was ashamed to admit that his attention had been quite diverted since Gawin’s appearance, and he was more focused on the man nonchalantly coming toward him, in an outfit very similar to his, than on the conversation happening on the phone.

“Sure, I’ll come if I can! Just send me the details…”

Gawin was wearing green today. A green, loose shirt and a matching cap. Joss got lost in the details of Gawin’s face as he came closer, in the dashing but shy smile that sent his stomach tumbling. He wondered if he would stop reacting this way to him one day. He had gotten better at managing things, but sometimes when Gawin gave him his undivided attention like that, he couldn’t help but be caught off guard, drawn in by his beauty.

“My girlfriend is such an angel. We just started dating, but I’m sure she’s the one. She is so kind, so sweet, so hot. She’s even hotter than I am! Can you believe that?” Dear rambled dazedly.

Joss chuckled at his friend’s enthusiasm.

“Ah, that’s great, I’m happy for you. When did you call it quits with your last partner, though? Weren’t you saying the same thing about them?”

The model let out a derisive huff.

“He was not ready to commit, too indecisive… This time it’s different!”

Gawin finally arrived next to him, and they exchanged a smile. Joss nodded to him in greeting, placing a hand on the musician’s shoulder, drawing him subtly closer. Gawin waited patiently for his phone call to end, leaning into the touch.

“Good, good. I’m sure you’re right. I’m sorry, Dear I gotta go,” Joss said, meeting Gawin’s eye, who was looming next to him, waiting for their conversation to end. He had an interested look on his face while he listened, but he tried to pretend that he wasn’t paying attention, his head slightly cocked to the side, the corners of his mouth tensed in a barely there pout. Joss pinched his lips together, repressing a grin. After all this time observing Gawin, he had finally learned to read some of his subtle expressions. And that was, with no doubt, Gawin’s jealous face. “Can you text me the details of the party, and I’ll get back at you later?” Joss asked finally, ready to end the call.

Since Gawin had arrived, he was not as focused on the words his friends were spilling on the phone. The call ended quickly after, Dear making him promise to try to come and hinting that he was free to invite a plus-one. Joss brushed off the invitation, but he secretly wished that Gawin would agree to go with him.

“Who was it?” Gawin finally asked after the call ended, and they started walking to the popcorn shop.

“Oh, it was Dear. You remember the girl I was training.”

Gawin threw him a side glance, grabbing a medium-sized popcorn bag.

“Oh. You guys are still in touch?”

He wasn’t looking at Joss anymore, walking calmly to the cashier, fiddling with his jacket for his wallet. Joss pushed his hand down and took out his own instead, paying for both of them and adding a bottle of water to the tab.

“Not as much anymore, she wanted to invite me to a party. She said I could bring someone, do you want to come?”

Gawin raised a confused eyebrow at him.

“I don’t think it’s going to be something big. She just landed a huge brand deal, and her girlfriend wants to celebrate.”

Gawin’s mouth opened in a round ‘o’ at the work girlfriend, his features softening.

“No, I’m good. You go and have fun,” Gawin said, and after they’d paid for the popcorn, they slowly headed to their seats.

Joss’ arm was still wrapped around Gawin’s shoulder as they reached their seats.

“It’s more fun if you come too. I promise they’re nice people, a bit crazy, but really welcoming,” Joss insisted. He really would prefer it if Gawin joined them. He didn’t think they spent enough time together anymore. Well, if it were up to him, he’d have Gawin around every day.

“Come on, come with me. We won’t stay long, I promise,” He continued, dragging Gawin close, his back against Joss’ torso. Then, Joss lowered, brushing his mouth against Gawin’s earlobe and ushered, sugar sweet, “Babe.”

Gawin shivered and elbowed him, putting some distance between them but staying in Joss’ embrace. The back of his neck was deliciously pink. His eyes were wide and dumbfounded, and a shy yet bright smile was on his face.

“Okay, Booboo! We’ll see,” Gawin said to dissipate some of the tension that had grown between them.

Joss’ heart stuttered.

“Booboo? Really?” He hadn’t said yes, but Joss was still pleased with the effect that nickname had on Gawin. He would need to use it more often. They took their seat in the darkened room. They had to separate once they were in the cinema, but Joss pushed his knee against the singer’s. “That’s new.”

Gawin wiggled his eyebrows, cheeky.

His face was still pink.

Joss closed his eyes, a wide smile lifting his equally rosy cheeks. “Think about it,” Joss said once again, as the ads started to roll, he grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bucket on Gawin’s lap, resting his other palm on Gawin’s thigh.

Gawin shook his head, smiling a disbelieving smile.

Joss’ hand never left his skin for the whole movie.

 

***

 

 

Joss cleared his throat and brought the mic to his mouth, his gaze sweeping people sitting before him, their eyes and a sea of phones turned towards him. He smiled. Most of the people attending his birthday event were familiar faces, people who had been following him for a long time.

He was nervous when the event was set up. He’d been absent from the public gaze for a while, and it was often nerve-racking to imagine facing an empty venue. To this day, he’s not sure why people bother, why they like him so much that they’re willing to spend their time and money on him. It never ceased to amaze him. The support and the care, the unbelievable gift his fans kept giving him, were among the things he was most grateful for in this world. He didn’t have much to give them back, besides his authenticity and maybe some fun. He always doubted it’d be enough, but somehow they keep coming back.

The MC made a few jokes, questioning Joss about his current life, his upcoming series
and his new partner.

Joss enjoyed the teasing and gave hints about My Golden Blood, which they had yet to start filming. But he could see that his fans were excited. They cheered as he mentioned playing a vampire and about the stunts he would have to do.

It was a good time, a good dive back into more personal events for his fans. Soon, he’d hold events with his partner, and Joss couldn’t wait to have Gawin standing next to him on stage. To have someone to lean on when the words fell short, when he made a mistake, or simply to have someone who’d be a supportive presence next to him. Gawin, he knew, would fill this role to perfection. Joss didn’t need him to do much. He just needed him to be there.

Then, as the thought crossed his mind, longing filled his chest, and a birthday song started playing. And Gawin arrived, windblown and airy. Joss couldn’t help the smile that broke his composure. He’d hoped Gawin would come, but the singer had told him he was busy in the afternoon, and since they were supposed to meet later in the day anyway, he hadn’t thought he’d be the one to bring him a cake.

A fruit bowl with three bright candles was placed in front of him. Gawin held the bowl up to him with a contrite, soft smirk. Joss repressed a laugh. Despite the singer’s best efforts, the wind had blown the candles before he could reach the stage.

The audience cheered once again, making flirty sounds, and Joss wanted to brag. Because the gorgeous man in front of him was his partner, and Joss could finally introduce him to his fans. They dapped, side-hugging instead of the deep kiss, Joss would have much preferred as a greeting.

Excitement and happiness made him jittery, and as Gawin congratulated him on his birthday, his gaze zeroed in on the shadow around Gawin’s jaw.

“You need to shave a little, Babe,” he blurted, pocking a finger at Gawin’s stubbly chin and the nickname rolling out of his mouth. He had said it without thinking, overjoyed and filled with pride. Gawin threw him a nervous look before laughing it off.

That was when Joss noticed the slip. He also let out a chuckle, embarrassed. Joss was pretty sure the audience had not heard it. His mic was away from his mouth. Maybe the first row could have heard the nickname, but from their reaction, he doubted they did.

After rambling for a while and ending up losing his train of thought, Gawin found himself at a loss for words.

“You wanna bounce?” Joss asked with an amused grin, trying to save his partner from his misery. Gawin obviously looked uncomfortable, but he had gone out of his way to meet him for his birthday in front of a very attentive crowd. Feeling moved, Joss told himself that he’d find a way to thank him, somehow.

But Gawin managed to surprise him once again. He didn’t take the bait, remaining at his side. “You wanna do something after?” He asked, cute and forever unpredictable.

Joss’ eyes widened, his pulse jumping.

“Do I want to do something after?” He repeated incredulously, a smile spreading on his face. “Sure!”

The audience rejoiced once again, and this time, the teasy sounds were even louder. Joss looked at his fans, preening. “Damn.”

It felt strangely intimate, important in a way that it shouldn’t. It was not their first time on stage together, but this time it felt more meaningful. His neck and ears burning up, Joss quickly changed the subject, thanking Gawin once again and releasing him from their embarrassment. When he left the stage, Gawin looked extremely proud of himself, and Joss struggled for a while to find his bearings. Still holding his fruit bowl, he stared at the cold candles, dimples deeply set as he grinned to himself. He hoped that this was the beginning of a long tradition and that – lit or not – he’d never have to blow birthday candles alone ever again.

 

 

***

 

 

The heat blazed as Gawin laid the lamb chops over the flames. A towel thrown over his shoulder, he eyed the meat with a focused frown.

Joss looked at him, smiling from ear to ear.

“Since you don’t need anything, today I’ll cook for your birthday,” Gawin had told him with a cheeky grin, bumping his shoulder as they entered Fai and Kevin’s building with grocery bags.

“Really?”

“Yes, these are going to be the best lamb chops of your life. I hope you’re hungry.”

“If you give me the best meal of my life, wouldn’t it be cruel not to make me eat it anymore. It means you have to keep cooking for me afterward,” Joss teased.

“I’m sorry, it’s an exclusive, limited experience. Take it or leave it.”

The party was a heartwarming, cozy time. They laughed, played games, ate good food, and even though some of the lamb chops Gawin fed him were tougher under his teeth than they were supposed to be, he enjoyed every bite.

As they often did these days, they ended up back at Joss’ condo. Traces of Gawin’s presence were starting to pile everywhere: a forgotten shirt, his toothbrush next to Joss’, a brand of coffee he liked that stayed permanently stocked up in Joss’ kitchen cabinet despite Joss barely having coffee at home anymore. So, it was with no surprise that when they entered his apartment, Gawin acted as always, as if he lived there. But it was different from when one of his good friends came over, seeing him move around like he owned the place, made Joss’ breath short, and he wondered what it would be like if they truly lived together.

“Can I have another gift?” Joss asked as they were finally getting into bed after a long night. The sun would be rising in just a few hours, and after feeling the evening’s drowsiness for the past few hours, Joss suddenly felt refreshed as if he had just had a good night’s sleep. Gawin’s was the complete opposite. While he had been full of energy until most of the night, his eyelids were now heavy as he brushed his teeth in front of the mirror, swaying drowsily.

Gawin made a questioning sound and rinsed his mouth, turning to send a suspicious look Joss’ way.

Joss cackled and laid on the bed. He patted the spot next to him, and Gawin joined him. He was drowning in Joss’ oversized, worn clothes, the fabric riding down over his bare shoulders and legs. As soon as he was within reach, Joss trapped him against his body, wrapping his arms around Gawin’s torso and his legs around his middle in a martial arts hold.

“Uh? This isn’t what I thought you had in mind,” Gawin joked. He looked like he wanted to fight back, play rumble with Joss on the bed, but had no energy left to do so.

Joss laid a kiss on Gawin’s shoulder and trailed up to the exposed side of his neck and ear.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Joss asked, his body growing warm under the proximity.

“Tomorrow?” Gawin repeated, a bit incredulous. “Dunno. Sleeping. Why?” he stifled a yawn.

“Let’s go somewhere, then. Just like when we went camping. Let’s get out of the city.”

“Eerr. You want to go camping again?”

“No, not camping. Let’s just take the car and drive.”

“Okay, let’s do that,” Gawin agreed, not asking any more questions. Pleased, Joss held him tighter, planting a loud kiss on his cheek, then assaulting him with even more when Gawin started struggling and giggling adorably between his arms.

Joss didn’t want this time to end, didn’t want to see him go and disappear once again. And he was well ready to use this birthday as an excuse to keep Gawin within reach for as long as he could.

“You’re not going anywhere,” Joss mumbled into his hair, before flipping their positions, Gawin ending up lying on the bed, soft, and eyes twinkling. Gawin smiled, his face puffy with sleep, pulled Joss back towards him, grabbed him by the neck, and pressed his lips against his.

 

 

***

 

 

In the end, they did not leave town. Waking up the next morning with barely any energy, they lazed in bed, Gawin leaving the sheets well into the afternoon. Joss had not dared to wake him up, his sleeping face and soft breathing too peaceful to disturb. Instead, he had ordered food and done a quick workout at home before joining Gawin back into bed and pressing against his back.

They had finally left the cocoon of their duvet around three in the afternoon. Joss had pushed his hips against Gawin’s, his arousal a hard line against Gawin’s bum. And the morning – or early afternoon, in that case – orgasm was a delicious way to start the day. Gawin straddled him, his skin warm from the covers and lips pillow soft as he brought him to release, biting Joss’ shoulder as he muffled a strangled cry, his breath hot against Joss ear.

Then, they had taken turns in the shower, still joined by the hip. And maybe Joss had slipped into the cabin when it was Gawin’s turn, never mind that Joss had already showered, dried, and lotioned. He sneaked behind Gawin, and his hungry palms rubbed suds all over the singer’s body. And maybe, just maybe, he had lived one of his earlier fantasies, and shoved Gawin against the tiled wall and took him in his mouth again. He loved the taste, he loved the unraveling of it all, and most of all, he loved to hear the sounds Gawin made as he came.

The first day had been lazy, full of intimacy.

They ate on the couch and watched a basketball match on TV.

They never agreed on which team to support, but that made it all the more fun.

At night, they had taken a stroll through the city because Joss hated to stay cramped in, even if with Gawin by his side, it wasn’t so bad.

The night lights were beautiful, and they walked for a long time without purpose, chatting about everything and nothing, the cool night air hitting their faces. Their stroll led them to a park that was barely frequented at this late hour, save for a few people walking their dogs. Speaking in hushed voices, they walked along a road lit golden by flickering streetlights. And at some point, after hours of walking side by side, way too close to be friendly, their shoulders bumped and remained stuck.

Gawin smirked at Joss, his eyes too beautiful, too sparkly and captivating as if they were stars fallen from the sky. His canines glinted as he teased Joss about another silly thing. Unable to help himself, Joss planted a kiss on the apple of his cheek, savoring the tingling sensation of Gawin’s hair brushing his nose.

Gawin stiffened, his body going rigid as his eyes darted around.

Joss startled, an apology already at the tip of his lips when Gawin surprised him by wrapping his arm around Joss’ waist and leaning his head against his shoulder in a quick side hug.

Nobody was around.

His heart thumping in his chest, Joss dragged Gawin into an alcove where they were sure not to be seen or disturbed, and took him into a mind-melting kiss that lasted for what seemed to be hours and minutes at once. Their breath lengthened as the embrace moved from passionate to languid, and the kiss grew more intimate as time passed. A police siren rang nearby, shattering their bubble of quiet warmth. Then, with both of their stomachs growling, they left their dark nook for the bustling streets and a quick snack from a food stall before heading back home.

And just like that, one day together turned into two, then three.

They never left the city, but Joss didn’t care.

He had gotten exactly what he wanted.

But ultimately, real life called, and their makeshift Eldorado collapsed.

It was the third day, and Gawin had ultimately agreed to follow Joss to Dear’s party. They weren’t supposed to stay long, and had agreed Gawin would head back to his place right after. Joss would have loved to keep him to himself just a little more, but he had promised Dear he’d be there, and there was a part of him that wanted to show off. To introduce Gawin to everything, to intertwine him so deeply in his life that it would be impossible for him to escape. Yes, he knew he was getting greedy again. That he was trying to bite more than it could chew. But Gawin meeting one of his friends wasn’t that big of a deal, right?

The party was taking place in a trendy bar with orange lighting, neons on the walls, tall plants in each corner, and a scatter of colorful, mix-and-match velvety sofas.

“You made it,” Dear greeted them as soon as they reached their friend’s table, her arms wide open. All dolled up in a glittery mini skirt and perched on heels that made her a head taller than she actually was, she was almost Gawin’s height. Joss hugged her back and greeted her group of friends with a wave. Dear rushed to Gawin, patting his arm with warmth. “You must be Gawin? You’re just as handsome as I pictured you. I heard so much about you!”

Gawin, who had looked a bit apprehensive at first, broke into a smile.

“Oh, really?” He glanced at Joss, surprised but pleased.

Joss’ face warmed up. “She’s always exaggerating. I didn’t say much.”

Dear huffed a laugh. “You didn’t have to. Your face says it all every time. Come on, let me introduce you to the gang.”

After a few drinks, they were all at ease, Gawin laughing at the group of friends’ jokes, their heckling filling up the bar.

Dear and her girlfriend, – Joss was happily surprised to witness – were obviously a very good match. One was calm, while the other was full of energy, and they supported each other without a word needed. And most of all, Dear looked happy, delight radiating from her as she embraced her loved one.

Joss leaned closer next to Gawin and pushed their knees together.

He was satisfied to see that, once again, Gawin was meshing perfectly into his life. He fit like a puzzle piece Joss never knew was missing.

After more drinks than were reasonable, the night came to an end. Joss, who was not used to drinking so much and even less used to sleeping so late night after night, was starting to feel the aftereffects, a headache slowly brewing under his brow. Gawin, on the other hand, had been more tame with his alcohol consumption, and he was still as fresh as he was when they had arrived. He was supposed to drive back to his house, and Joss was reluctant to let him go.

As the group left the establishment, Joss found himself sticking even closer to Gawin’s side than usual, using his blooming headache to his advantage. If Gawin sensed his ploy, he didn’t let it show, and he kept steadying Joss with a gentle hand on his back.

Dear snickered, bumped Joss’ shoulder, and almost toppled over in the process.

She was a cackling, wobbly mess. Only her girlfriend kept her from sprawling on the floor. Her lover held Dear’s heels in one hand while Dear tumbled barefoot toward their taxi. Just as Dear was about to get into the cab, she wriggled out of her girlfriend’s grip, stumbled to Gawin and Joss, grabbed each by the shoulder, and fixed them with a stern expression.

“You two!” She said, way louder than necessary. “You’re so freaking cute! You better stay together and invite me to your wedding! I want to be a maid of honor, you hear me!”

Joss threw an uncertain glance at Gawin, who was looking at Dear with wide, slightly spooked eyes.

“Yeah, okay. Dear, you need to go home now,” Joss said, pushing her toward the taxi.

Mortified, he left Gawin’s side to help get a wriggly Dear into the car and made sure she was seated and buckled up. Gawin was watching them, shifting from one foot to the other, an unreadable glint in his eyes. Face warm from both the booze and embarrassment, Joss tried not to pay attention to the worry simmering in his stomach.

“You promise?!” Dear insisted, her voice, thankfully muffled inside the taxi, coming through as an almost unintelligible slur.

“Sorry about that. It was nice meeting you guys, until next time!” Her girlfriend said with an apologetic nod. Then, she hurried into the car, and the two girls waved as it drove off.

After saying their goodbyes to the group, Joss followed Gawin to his car, keeping his eyes on the concrete. He rubbed his throbbing temples, the car fumes making him nauseated.

Joss glanced at Gawin. He suddenly looked very pale, his eyes vacant.

“I can grab a taxi…” Joss started, and Gawin startled, looking confused. Joss frowned.

The last few patrons were driving off, car lights disappearing into the night, and soon the parking lot was empty.

Gawin schooled a smile, and he clapped Joss on the back. “Don’t be ridiculous, let’s go.”

The drive home was silent.

Gawin hadn’t even bothered turning on the radio, and that simple fact made Joss’ blood run cold. The thought sobered him, and he rubbed his forehead pensively. Gawin kept worrying his lip, and was holding the wheel a little bit too tightly.

Joss limbs were sluggish, heavy, and his head felt as if stuck in a barrel.

He couldn’t do this.

Why now?

Why was this happening again?

Against all odds, just as Joss was trying to gather the right words to say, Gawin cut the silence.

“It was a nice evening. Everyone was pretty cool,” he said, his voice dragging over the words uncertainly.

Joss felt some of the tension leave his shoulders.

“Right, and they all really liked you too,” Joss said, risking a smile, and Gawin gave him an answering, tentative one in return.

“Good.”

The ride back to Joss’ place wasn’t long. The streets were nowhere near as packed as they usually were. Only ten more minutes, and they’d reach their destination, but Joss didn’t know whether he wished they had more time.

“About Dear, don’t fret about what she said. She says whatever’s on her mind,” he said, fiddling with his watch, it felt itchy, too tight. He removed it and put it in his pocket.

“Okay,” Gawin nodded slowly.

They stopped at a red light, and his profile glowed crimson.

Joss saw Gawin’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed thickly, and what was usually such a tantalizing sight sent chills up his back.

“Did you tell her that we were together?”

Joss stiffened, and he looked up, his eyes shifting dryly in their sockets.

“No, I didn’t,” he said, firm. “She just came up with that on her own. As I said, don’t mind her.”

The plains of Gawin’s face were unreadable. He wasn’t looking back at Joss. His gaze was fixed on the empty street, sometimes flicking to the traffic lights, his fingers tapping the steering wheel impatiently.

Joss ignored the way his throat tightened.

“I didn’t say anything,” Joss reiterated. He wriggled in his seat. “I guess people can see that we are… close. And they just make their own conclusions.”

This time, Gawin tore his eyes off the road, his mouth slack.

“People? What do you mean?”

The lights turned green. A vivid, dangerous green.

Crap.

Joss’ airways thinned.

“Not many people. Just a couple… You don’t have to worry about it-”

“Who was it?” Gawin cut him off, his voice low and breathy. “Joss, I told you I’m not ready to-” He faltered, pinching his lips together, looking conflicted.

Joss pulled at the hem of his collar. The night’s excess was sitting awfully in his stomach. He felt sick.

“I know. I know! It was just Joong…”

“Joong? Joong from work? He knows about us?” There was a panicked edge to Gawin’s usually smooth voice.

“He doesn’t know anything. Nobody knows anything-”

Liar, Joss’ brain commented, unhelpfully.

He pushed the windows’ button to let some fresh air in, suddenly feeling suffocated.

“But you just said-”

“He doesn’t,” Joss countered, his voice breaking.

“Okay, then. Okay,” Gawin said, more to himself than to Joss. Deep in thought, he stared down the road, the streetlamps’ strobes reflecting in his shiny eyes.

“Would it be so bad, though?” Joss finally blurted.

He wet his lips, covering his naked wrist with a trembling hand.

Gawin tore his eyes away from the road and leveled him with a bewildered stare for a long second.

“Huh?”

Joss closed his eyes and took a deep inhale.

“I mean, I know you want to keep things on the down low, but what if a few people knew? It doesn’t mean anything, right? Why do you seem so… scared?”

Gawin’s finger-tapping grew to a frantic rhythm.

“Joss…”

“Will that change?” Joss asked. The thought of them staying hidden, living a lie, both trapped in a crystal cage, tied his guts in terrible knots. “Will you change your mind at some point, or do you want to stay like this forever? Just co-workers or… friends with benefits? Is this what you want?”

Gawin tilted his head to the side, his shoulders sagging as his breath staggered.

“No. I-”

“Then what? What do you want, Gawin?”

The car came to a stop as they reached Joss’ condo, Gawin not even bothering to park properly. He turned off the engine and turned to Joss before lowering his eyes, looking distressed.

“I-I’m not sure. I don’t know. We’re good now. I like how we are now. Don’t you?”

His fingers were gripping the steering wheel so hard the tips had turned white, and his leg bounced restlessly.

Joss shook his head, lost. “It’s not that I don’t like it. But it can’t be all there is. The way I see it. We could build something together. Make great things… Together. As a couple.”

The last word made Gawin’s lower lip tremble slightly. Joss observed him with a tight chest as Gawin swallowed with difficulty. He angled toward Gawin, twisting as much as he could in that cramped car to face him. Then Joss reached for Gawin’s clenched hands and, just like Gawin had done for him when he was injured and aching, massaged the stiff fingers.

Gawin assessed him with wet, bloodshot eyes.

Joss ignored the deep, stuttering pulsing of his heart and took a deep breath.

“I love you,” he said, boring his gaze into Gawin’s, who shifted back imperceptibly. Joss’ grip on Gawin’s hand tightened. “I love you so much it’s ridiculous. At this point, I don’t even think I can imagine my life without you…” Joss said with a low, sorrowful chuckle.

Tears rolled down Gawin’s cheeks.

The turn of events after this nice evening was so sudden that it caught them both by surprise. Too startled to think things through and confronted by the tsunami of emotions that fell upon him, Joss reacted in the only ways they could: fight or flight. Joss chose the former.

He had kept this in for too long, had buried these overbearing thoughts so deep in his chest that they had started to fester. Now that he’d started speaking, words kept spilling out. Keeping these feelings to himself felt unbearable. Impossible.

“I love you,” Joss said for the third time. “But I need you to tell me we can be something more. I know you care for me, but sometimes I worry. And I know I told you I was fine with how things are. And I was, I really was, but I don’t think I can handle it anymore. We don’t need to make promises, you don’t even have to tell me you love me back, but just tell me that there’s a chance we can have a future together.”

Gawin let out a broken sob, a quiet sound that filled the cubicle, tight and unbearable. Joss rubbed his eyes, which were starting to well up as well. Everything stung: his eyes, his throat, his heart. But after laying out his truth on the table, even if he was sickened by anxiety, Joss somehow felt lighter. No matter the outcome.

“I- I’m…” Gawin stumbled over his words. His lost, sorry state would have broken Joss’ heart if Joss didn’t already feel so wrecked. These simple, stuttered words confirmed to Joss that he wouldn’t get an answer tonight, at least not the one he’d hoped for. And that if they had a chance one day, at this moment, their wavelengths didn’t match.

Joss’s shoulder sagged. He looked away, retreating his hands to his lap. During the exchange, he had not stopped rubbing a soothing circle on Gawin’s fingertips, but now even that simple gesture hurt too. Gawin’s fingers twitched, then hovered in midair, frozen.

Joss looked away, taking in a shaky inhale before continuing.

“It’s okay,” he said with a trembling smile, staring down at his lap. “Still, I don’t think I can go on like this. If you don’t know what you want from me, if you’re not sure about us, it’s best that we go back to what we were… Until you’re ready to start something real, let’s stay friends.” That last sentence left his lungs sore and his eyes hot and blurry.

He risked another look at the singer, and the sigh felt like a final blow. Gawin was pale, his expression so broken that Joss felt he should apologize, retract everything he had said in the past half hour, and beg for forgiveness.

He reached for Gawin again, but Gawin gently batted his hand away.

“I need to go home,” he said in a voice too steady for how he looked.

Joss nodded, and another of Gawin’s looks made him get out of the car and close the door behind him.

He watched as Gawin forcefully wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve, started the engine, and drove away without another glance.