Chapter 13

“Gawin, Joss! Look over here!”

They both turned, matching smiles stretched across their faces for the camera.

The GMMTV Grammy 40th anniversary event was an explosion of vibrant colours. Sunny yellow, electric blue, and bright red were featured in the decorations and on the attendees. Laughter and excited chatter boomed all around the room. Talents and staff alike mingled with enthusiasm to celebrate the commemoration.

Joss shot a glance at Gawin, who was standing next to him, his soft strands curtaining his eyes.

His gaze was trapped in the singer’s orbit for a while, unblinking.

Joss wanted to mess up that hair. He wanted to grab Gawin’s stupidly cute yellow shirt and wrinkle it beyond recognition. He wanted to taste, touch and sink into his skin.

He bit the inside of his cheek, flexing his fingers to chase away the tension, then tore his gaze away.

Not now.

Another photograph called his name, and he turned,

Luke’s eye met his, and they had one of those silent, loaded exchanges only old friends could pull off. However, there was nothing friendly in it.

Control yourself, you freak, Luke’s gaze said, still smiling dashingly for the pictures. Joss mentally flipped him off, and his friend’s eyebrow twitched, disgusted.

A few steps away, Gawin was posing with Joong and Dunk, all of them oblivious to the silent war happening behind them.

After the photoshoot, they were herded to their seats. Joss trailed close behind Gawin, his hand resting lightly on his back. They were wearing matching shirts. Joss in blue and Gawin in yellow. They were not a couple yet, but they sure looked the part.

Joss smirked.

Since the camping trip, things had gone pretty well. Even though they had chosen not to label their relationship just yet, they were moving in a good direction.

Joss worried his lip, mind drifting back to the kiss they’d stolen between fittings and makeup less than an hour ago. He hadn’t been able to resist. Joss had grabbed Gawin from the crowded fitting rooms, mumbled something about wanting to get fresh air, and dragged him up the emergency stairs, where he’d kissed him senseless.

Joss stretched his arm over the back of Gawin’s chair, inching closer without thinking. His fingers toyed with the edge of Gawin’s collar before he caught himself.

Gawin shot him a sideways look, a small, knowing smile on his lips, and nudged his boots closer.

A staff member called their attention and took one final picture, Joss’ hand resting on Gawin’s shoulder.

Joss sighed. The event was fine, fun even, but all he wanted was to get out and have Gawin to himself.

Since the camping trip, they hadn’t gone past kissing. As they had discussed under the tent’s shade that night, they were taking things slow. But every time they made out, heat pooled under his skin, impatience and contentment fighting inside him. Living in the present, sneaking around, and relishing the excitement of the new development in their relationship was beautiful. Yet, sometimes it was hard to control his feelings, to bottle them all up. He was like a shaken bottle of champagne after every encounter, pressure building slowly, ready to burst at any moment.

Feeling eyes on him, Joss caught Joong staring.

Joss raised an eyebrow.

His colleague grinned.

The event’s MC announced the day’s sponsors, spoke highly of their benefits, and made jokes as the audience laughed softly.

Joss shifted uncomfortably in his seat, feeling his neck heat up.

Was he really that obvious? He really needed to work on his poker face.

He glanced at Gawin to see if he had noticed the exchange, but he was listening to the MC and chuckling with the crowd, unaware. Joss turned his eyes to the stage as well, relieved.

They hadn’t said it out loud, but Joss knew Gawin wanted to keep things quiet for now. Fair enough, they weren’t a couple yet. Still, it stung every time Gawin slipped away from his embrace when someone got too close. All Joss wanted was to be with him. He’d never felt this before. Not like this. The urge to claim, to show everyone: he’s mine, back off. The struggle to keep his cool, to remember where they stood, was starting to itch under his skin.

Without thinking, Joss’s eyes found Gawin’s face again, tracing the curve of his lashes.

The singer bumped his knee against Joss’, an expression of mixed amusement and annoyance juggling on his face.

Joss levelled his gaze.

“What?” Gawin mouthed. In front of them, the MC was still babbling and had now started introducing products.

Joss’ fingers grazed Gawin’s nape.

“Nothing,” Joss whispered back, rubbing his thumb against Gawin’s shoulder before pulling his arm away. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Joong sneaking glances at them. Joss crossed his arms and focused on the presentation.

Work first. Fun later.

 

***

 

Joss’ back hit the wall, breath catching in his chest. Gawin followed, lips crashing into his, hands slipping under his jersey. He shivered as the singer’s fingers traced his abs, thumb pausing just above his belly button, teasing mercilessly. Humming, Joss grabbed Gawin’s jaw, pulling him closer and trapping him into a greedy embrace.

The room they had sneaked into was dark. They hadn’t bothered turning on the lights, too impatient, clashing sloppily against one another as soon as they were away from prying eyes.

It was reckless, sure. They barely had time before practice was set to start, but how was Joss supposed to resist? Gawin had been the one to beckon him, restless and flushed after arriving late once again. Then he had pushed Joss into the storage room, grabbed him by his jersey and kissed him right there between basketballs and training cones. Joss had melted into his hold instantly. It’d been a few days since they had last seen each other, life and responsibilities catching up to them in a torrent. And after days without a taste, how could Joss resist? He was only human.

His hands slid down Gawin’s back, lingering at his waist, caressing the supple skin there, fingertips dipping underneath the waistband. He sighed, his mouth finding the curve of Gawin’s neck, who sighed, body going slack, and his throat bobbing under Joss’ lips. Gawin inhaled sharply. He kissed him again, deeper this time, his knee pressed up between Joss’ legs, who spread his thighs further, chasing the delicious friction. Joss’ boxers felt impossibly tight. Gawin was just as worked up, hard and hot against his stomach, even through layers of clothes.

Joss bucked his hips and grasped Gawin’s butt between avid palms, increasing the contact. Gawin panted against his ear, breath feverish before catching Joss’ earlobe between his teeth. A surprised huff spilled from Joss’ mouth, his heart thundering, body rocking against Gawin’s on its own. Oh, what he’d have given to have the other man naked right now. But they didn’t have time. Hell, they were probably already late. Maybe they could skip practice… Stupid idea. The Starlympic were coming up, and every practice counted. But so did the feel of Gawin’s skin, the sound of his moans. Right now, that felt just as important. If he had to choose, he wasn’t sure he’d make the smart call.

He flipped their position, pining Gawin against the ball rack instead. The shelf rattled, and a couple of basketballs tumbled to the floor.

Gawin pressed a hand against his chest, giggling when Joss pushed through, covering his cheeks, forehead, chin and nose with kisses.

“We need to be quiet,” Gawin said, his scolding unconvincing under his quiet chuckles.

“Then, stop talking.”

Joss captured his mouth once again. They kissed, deep and greedy, hands wandering till Joss’ snaked his way into Gawin’s shorts.

“Easy…” The latter warned.

Joss buried his head into Gawin’s neck as a response, stroking him slowly.

Gawin breath stuttered. “Fuck.” He threw his head back, granting Joss better access, reticences crumbling as pleasure rose.

Tightening his hold, Joss quickened the pace-

A bark of laughter made them startle.

Gawin tore his body away from Joss in a swift movement, muscles going awfully stiff.

The door shook as someone bumped into it, making it rattle on its hinges.

They stared anxiously at the door, frozen.

A few more laughs, and the voices of their teammates echoed in the corridor, inquiring about their whereabouts.

“Where is Joss? He was with us just a few minutes ago.”

“I don’t know, man. Probably gone to the bathroom or something.”

“He’s probably already on the court, making drills, that guy never stops…”

The voices blurred as the men walked away.

Gawin stepped away, his shoulders sagging in relief.

He bit his lip, smiling through a long exhale. “You should go.”

Joss looked down at his pants. Huh.

“You go first,” he said, trying to hide his embarrassment.

Gawin chuckled. He was wearing a baggy t-shirt and shorts, his arousal hidden under the layers of clothing.

“Alright.” Gawin caught him in a brief kiss. “Be quick.”

He shuffled to the door, looked left and right, then flashed Joss with one last dashing smile before disappearing from the room, leaving his partner breathless and itching for release.

Joss let out a heavy sigh, rubbing his mouth, and dimples cutting deep as he grinned to himself.

 

***

 

The smell of charred meat hung in the air, making Joss salivate.

A plate of freshly cooked steak was placed in front of him, and he dug in without preamble. He’d just come from a long training session, and his stomach had been grumbling for food for what seemed like hours.

He chewed with satisfaction.

The meat was juicy and tender as always.

In front of him, Fai and Kevin were downing their own plates.

Bella was already fast asleep in her room, and the adults had uncapped a bottle of wine to enjoy their meals.

“I’ve prepared a little for the questions. The host sent me a list,” Joss explained, cutting himself another piece of steak and digging his fork into a broccoli.

“That’s good. I can’t believe your first podcast appearance won’t be on mine. Traitor,” Kevin teased as Fai chuckled next to him.

“You should have invited him first,” she commented, grinning. “You lost your chance to interview The Joss Wayar.”

“That’s right, Kev’. Why didn’t you invite me? Am I not good enough for you?” Joss asked, laughing at Kevin’s stunned face.

“It’s true that I have certain standards…”

It was Joss’ turn to be offended, now. “Oh wow, excuse me, Mr. Liu. I’m not worthy.”

“No, you’re alright. Next time, you’ll come for an episode with me. And since we’re such good friends, you’ll save the juicy stuff only for me, right?” Kevin said with a conspiratory look.

Joss grimaced. “I don’t know about that.”

Clapping her hands, Fai leaned over the table, forgetting all about her meal.

“Right, speaking of juicy gossip. How was the camping trip?”

Joss’ ears immediately turned crimson at the question. He drowned his embarrassment under a gulp of water.

“Yeah! The camping trip! You have looked awfully happy all night, and I must say a little smug…” Kevin said, making Joss’ mouth turn into an offended squiggly line. Kevin wiggled his eyebrows. “Did something good happen?”

Joss faltered under the two twin, inquisitive expressions.

“Well,” he started, the rest of his face heating up under the scrutiny. “It was good.”

The couple shared a look, groaning at his lack of eloquence.

“Oh, come on, spill,” Kevin said impatiently. “Did you do the nasty in the tent? Like in Brokeback Mountain?”

Joss nearly spat out his water. What was it with his friends and Brokeback Mountain?

He sighed, then put his glass of water back on the table, pressed his back more comfortably in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest.

“He kissed me,” he said, thumping his chest, a lopsided grin on his face as Fai and Kevin squeeled in excitement.

Fai clapped again. Kevin gave him a proud fist bump.

“That’s my boy!”

Joss chortled, ducking his face back into his plate.

“How did that happen? What did you say? Are you together?” Fai’s trail of questions came at lightning speed.

Taking the time to swallow another bite, Joss collected himself, cataloging his thoughts.

“We talked, and it just happened,” Joss said after a while. “And no, we’re not together.”

The couple exchanged a look.

“You’re not?”

Joss shook his head, suddenly chewing his steak with less enthusiasm.

“No. We’re taking things slow.”

“Oh, right. That’s good, I guess,” Kevin said, twirling his glass of wine, his gaze going soft as he assessed his long-time friend.

Joss shifted, his legs contracting under the table. Miso, the family’s pomeranian, snuck under the table and rested its head on Joss’ foot.

“Yes, I suggested it. I don’t want him to feel pressured or anything.”

Fai gave him a small, tender smile.

“He’s the one who kissed you, so you’re heading in the right direction.”

Joss smiled back. He hoped so.

They finished the meal in a light mood, chatting animatedly, the hosts teasing Joss, trying to get details out of him. After they’d had their fill of laughter and the plates were cleaned, they settled into a comfortable silence.

“I’m happy for you, man,” Kevin said. The two of them had moved to the sofa, Fai having left to check on their crying little girl.

Grateful warmth filled Joss. It was comforting to have people that he could talk to about these things. He liked to keep things private, but sometimes his thoughts felt too heavy to carry, like a tumble of knots and tangles. He worried without finding solutions, burying his anxiety under flashy actions, to prevent himself from drowning in his head.

“So you and Gawin are not labelling your relationship, yet?” Kevin had his legs crossed nonchalantly, and his tone was light, but Joss knew better.

“No, it’s better this way,” Joss said. The words tasted wrong.

His friend made a low, thoughtful sound. “You’re allowed to see other people? I mean, are you exclusive?”

Joss’ stomach dropped. He toyed with his phone, making it spin between his fingers.

“Well, I am. But we haven’t really talked about this,” he said, trying to swallow the chalkiness that coated his tongue.

Kevin raised a concerned eyebrow. “You really should, just so you two are clear on where you stand.”

Joss nodded, a curt, sharp movement.

“You’re right. I will talk to him about it. I haven’t- We haven’t had the occasion to talk about this, but yeah, it’s definitely important since we’re working together. Our company doesn’t really allow relationships between partners, but nobody follows that rule anyway, and as long as we keep it on the low, we should be fine.”

The phone escaped him, burying itself in a crack of the sofa.

When Joss looked up again, iPhone in hand, Kevin was watching him with a frown.

“Gawin knows how you feel about him, right?”

How could he not?

Joss squished his back into a cushion, shoving his phone in his pocket.

“I think so, yeah. We haven’t talked about love or anything. But yeah, I think he knows.”

“Good,” Kevin said, nodding to himself. “He seems like a good guy. He wouldn’t do anything thoughtless.”

Joss shifted in his seat, uneasy.

“No, no. He wouldn’t.”

Kevin stared at him for a long second.

“You’re scared, though, aren’t you?”

Scared?

“If he never returns your feelings. If you stay in this ambiguous relationship, will you be okay?”

Joss swallowed, averting his eyes.

“I don’t know.”

 

***

 

A week later, Joss was miles away from Bangkok.

After a few hours of car and boat ride, palm trees, turquoise beaches, and a luxurious cabin overlooking the ocean welcomed him.

This trip had been planned at the last minute, his friends inviting him for a short getaway. Three days to swim, explore the beautiful Koh Larn island, and relax. Good company, delicious food, and hours of swimming in the ocean every day. A dream.

That night, they had planned to go to a traditional restaurant for dinner and then hit a bar afterwards.

Feeling gross after a day at the beach, salt stuck to his skin and sand down his swimming trunks, Joss and his friends had retreated to their cabins to rest and freshen up before heading out. They were taking the ferry back to the mainland the next morning, so they were set on making the most out of the night.

The stay had been great, but Joss couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing.

Joss sat in the hammock on his little patch of balcony, pulling out his phone with hands still damp from the sea. The view from his room was unreal. No matter where his gaze landed, the ocean was staring back at him, waves glittering with golden specks under the sunset.

Joss wiped droplets away from his phone screen before opening Line.

He and Gawin hadn’t been able to meet before he went away on his trip. They had a basketball practice lined up when he came back, but it had already been too long. He missed him.

His thumb hovered over Gawin’s name for a while. He sighed and looked up, watching as the sun dipped below the horizon, leaving behind a trail of burnt orange rays.

The conversation he’d had with Kevin was still ringing in his mind, making his stomach churn uncomfortably.

He didn’t want to think about the future, about how things could crash and burn at any moment.

Things were good at the moment, really good. As he had said, they were finally progressing in their relationship, and Gawin had initiated things. It had to be a good sign. It had to.

They didn’t need to talk about love, status, or anything of that nature, yet.

They could just enjoy the moment.

Joss tapped his fingers on his thigh, opening and closing his hand as he thought.

A wave crashed onto the cabin’s pillars, water frothing as it retreated back.

Joss checked his hair in his phone’s reflection, pushing his damp hair back and tidying his dark, messy strands. Then pressed Gawin’s name.

At some point, they would have to talk. But for now, he just wanted to hear Gawin’s voice.

The dial sounded once, twice, and three times. Joss held the phone up, worrying his lips, his expectant face looking back at him as the video call waited for a reply. He couldn’t help but notice that even though the sunset was stunning, it would have looked even better with Gawin by his side.

The dial echoed again, and suddenly, the object of his thoughts looked back at him through the screen.

“Hey,” Gawin said, smiling. His face was slightly red, his eyes slightly puffy, lit by blue light.

“Hi, are you okay to talk?” Joss asked, a grin spreading on his face at the sight.

“Yeah. What’s up?” Gawin asked, popping a potato chip in his mouth.

“Look,” Joss simply said, flipping his camera and panning his phone to the view of his room. “That’s my view, man.”

Gawin whistled, his eyes going wide as he took in the scene.

“Sick. That’s your room?”

“Yep, my private piece of Paradise,” Joss answered smugly, pointing the camera back to his face. “Next time, if you ask nicely, I will share it with you.”

“Or I could just sneak into your luggage,” Gawin retorted with a smirk.

“That’s illegal,” Joss chuckled when Gawin shrugged. Suddenly, with Gawin’s smile in front of him, it was easier to breathe. The uncomfortable void that had followed him the past few days filled up with a splash. “What were you doing? Gaming?”

Gawin nodded, crumpling up his empty bag of chips.

“Yeah… It’s been just me and my pc for the last-” He turned to look at the time on his screen. “Five hours.”

Joss shook his head in disbelief, grinning from ear to ear.

“Damn. Go take a walk or something, you’re going to fuse with your chair at this rate.”

“It was an expensive chair. I wouldn’t mind it.”

“I would.”

Gawin’s eyebrow shot up to his hair.

He smiled sheepishly, scratching the side of his nose. “So why did you call?”

It was Joss’ turn to shrug.

“No reason,” he lied. Then tilted his head to the side and brought the phone closer to get a better look at the singer’s pixelated features.

“You just wanted to see my handsome face?”

Joss smiled, laying his head in his closed fist, eyes fixed on the screen.

They looked at each other silently for a while. Awkward. Feverish.

Gawin ran a hand through his hair, chuckling. He averted his eyes.

Cute.

Joss leaned away, gaze flickering to the sea. Refreshed.

“You want to go grab a bite after practice on Tuesday?”

Gawin nodded, a smile never leaving his face, cheeks flushed.

The sky was getting dark, and if he didn’t get ready soon, he’d be late. Being tardy was becoming a bad habit, and the cause was always the same.

“It’s a date. I gotta go. See you soon,” he said, his heart fluttering happily.

Gawin beamed.

“Yeah, see you.”

 

***

 

Finally, in the middle of December 2023, the filming date for My Golden Blood was announced.

They were scheduled to start shooting in August of the next year. It was still months away, but things were finally looking up. Gawin and Joss walked out of the meeting to the parking lot with light steps.

2024 was off to a good start.

Joss could feel it in his gut. Things were about to change.

“What do you think about the workshop?” Joss asked as they reached their cars. He leaned on the hood of his red Toyota, crossing his ankles.

Gawin raised an amused eyebrow. “Do we really need one?” he said, throwing his bag in his trunk.

Joss snickered, pinching his lips together.

“Let’s talk to P’Ark about it later. We probably can get around it.”

Gawin nodded, walking back to meet Joss by his car.

“Oh, yeah. I forgot to give you this last time,” Joss said, digging in his jacket’s pocket. “I was a bit distracted,” he finished with a raised eyebrow.

And distracted they had been after finishing practice, the day following Joss’ return. They had skipped the restaurant entirely, making out in the car as soon as they were alone. They had driven to a quiet part of town and ordered a drive-through before pulling their seats back and sharing fries in a quiet parking lot. It had been a warm, nice and quiet night of languid kisses and cozy conversation. A warm hug after – from Joss’ point of view – too much time apart. It had been such a nice evening that Joss had forgotten all about his gift.

He placed the keychain in Gawin’s hand. A little guitar leaning on a palm tree dangling out of a silver chain. It was a cheap, tourist trap, but it had immediately caught his eye, and he had bought it on a whim when they were out scouting the shops on the island.

Gawin chuckled as he inspected it.

“Thanks,” he said, before attaching the little thing to his car keys.

“No problem,” Joss mumbled, rubbing his nose.

The gift felt dumb now. He shoved his hands in his jeans’ pockets, self-conscious. Back at Koh Larn, he had seen the little guitar and thought of Gawin right away, picturing how nice he would have looked next to him, playing his guitar, feet digging in the sand. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, a fun little souvenir. Now, it just felt corny. Joss looked away. “So, no workshop for us, huh?” He fumbled for something else to say, words falling apart under the weight of his embarrassment.

“Nah, we’ll be fine,” Gawin said, still playing with the keychain.

“Partners are not allowed to be in relationships, though. We’ll need to think about what we’ll say.” The words had come out without thinking, his mind still mushy with emotions. He regretted them instantly, but they were impossible to swallow back. “I mean, we’re not in a relationship, but you know…”

He stopped himself, taken aback by Gawin’s unexpectedly serious, unblinking stare.

“I know. It’s okay. We’re not breaking any rules,” he said, voice low. Flat.

Joss nodded.

His ears buzzed, a deep rumble slowly rising between his temples.

He stood up and nearly lost his balance, feeling as if his legs had turned into two logs of wood.

He rocked on his heels before circling around Gawin to get to his car door.

“It’s getting late, I gotta go,” he said, a little too quickly, before climbing behind the wheel.

Gawin stepped away from the car, face frozen.

“Yeah, thanks for the gift. See you on Friday.”

“Yeah, bye.”

Joss gave a quick wave and drove off, throat tight.