Chapter 2

Joss didn’t think he was obsessed.

Obsessed was too strong a word.

Psychopaths and stalkers were creatures of obsession… He was not.

What he had, however, was a deep interest in Gawin Caskey.

Ever since that day at their vocal lesson, he had become somewhat of a fan. In awe of Gawin’s talent and angelic looks, the younger man had not left his thoughts, and his voice had haunted Joss in the most pleasant ways.

He profoundly respected Gawin’s talent, which was why he spent such an unhealthy amount of time scrolling the singer’s social media. For research and to show his support as a fan. Nothing more.

It was also for these same purposes that he was currently looking for materials at an ungodly hour of the night. A singing cover, an Instagram post, an interview or TV appearance, a line of text on Twitter… Anything to tame his cravings. The need to know more about the young American was slowly eating at him. Joss was just a curious person. And curiosity wasn’t a sin.

However, to his utter dismay, Joss found himself starved.

Gawin was a ghost, even on the internet, and the scarce pictures that decorated his Instagram wall didn’t give Joss much to bite.

He had tried to catch the singer again at the end of his vocal lessons, but his attempts had failed every single time. Joss was truly at a loss for how to reach Gawin. After much thought, he had decided against asking their teacher, P’Green, for the younger man’s whereabouts. The professor had the terrible habit of talking too much and seemed already engrossed in a lot of gossip. Joss didn’t want to be the next coffee break subject.

His friends also proved to be useless on this matter. They called Gawin “The Caveman”. Rumor had it that he only answered texts once in a blue moon. Joss hadn’t dared to push the matter further, fearing that his friends would misinterpret his interest. They could be ruthless in their teasing, and their intervention could jeopardize all his chances of getting to know Gawin Caskey. He needed to handle this mission by himself. This was a solo hunt.

Joss sighed as he observed Gawin’s picture in Italy, posing in front of the Coliseum. His bloodshot eyes scored through the square photograph, taking in every detail and looking for clues to elude the mystery that was Fluke Gawin Caskey.

Raising a tired hand toward the small screen, he pressed two fingers on Gawin’s face, zooming in on his oh-so-beautiful features. Joss wondered about the other countries Gawin had visited before. According to his feed, he had traveled quite a lot. Joss had never left Thailand. He hadn’t even had a chance to visit his brother, who had moved to the US, yet.

Joss sighed, released his hold on Gawin’s picture, and opened YouTube instead. Once he became famous and financially stable, he would take his parents to travel around the world. Perhaps, Gawin could recommend some good places to him.

Joss grabbed the earphones lying on his desk, popped them in his ears, and pressed play. It was already past midnight, and the room was only lit by the shifting colors of the video playing on his cellphone. He knew that the harmful blue light would prevent him from getting his habitual, non-negotiable eight hours of sleep, but Joss couldn’t bring himself to care.

For the fourth time this month, he rewatched Kiss Me Again, the series. Or more precisely, he rewatched every single scene Gawin appeared in. By now, he knew the lines by heart – almost as well as the ones he had memorized for his own first role.

Gawin’s character, Mork, although rebellious, was unfortunately too endearing. Joss averted his eyes from the screen when Podd, Gawin’s screen partner, appeared. Eyes locked on a rough patch on his ceiling, he pictured Gawin’s face as he recited the lines of his counterpart, Sun. Joss had never considered playing in a BL series before and didn’t know if he ever would. That world and all that it entailed seemed quite intense…

“But,” he thought gingerly as he watched Mork slowly fall in love with Sun, “if it’s with someone like him, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.”

***

“What are you looking at?”

Gun asked, standing high on his toes to look over Joss’ shoulder.

GMMTV had organized an event to celebrate the company’s latest successes, and most of the agency’s employees were requested to attend the party. The initiative had been organized to thank the participants for their hard work and foster deeper relationships among the attendees. For this occasion, the company had rented a hall in a luxurious hotel. Balloons and drapes in hues of white and blue adorned the walls, richly decorated round tables were scattered around the room, and a large buffet table was bursting with various delicacies. More than three hundred people were present, their joyous chatter overlapping with the T-Pop playing in the background.

Joss lowered his gaze to his friend, whose glossy lips pouted questioningly at him. From Joss’ point of view, Gun, dressed in cute dark overalls that accentuated his petite figure, seemed small enough to fit in his pocket.

Not fooled by this angelic appearance, Joss put on an impassive expression, aware that his friend was like the little demons you often saw in animations. The kind of devilish creatures that stood on your shoulder and encouraged you to do terrible things.

“Nothing,” He said, taking a sip of beer and looking away from the suspicious expression on the smaller man’s face. His glass was emptying at an alarming speed.

“When is this starting? I’m getting hungry.”

Luke, on his other side, was holding his stomach dramatically. His eyes locked on a particularly juicy cut of meat on the buffet table.

“Me too.”

Joss’ eyes flickered to the entrance once again.

Tonight was the night.

This event was mandatory for actors, Gawin had to be present. This was Joss’ one chance to talk to him and to get into his good graces. Joss’ plan was simple. He would find Gawin, compliment his singing, get him to talk about music, ask him when and why he had started to sing and play the guitar. Then, once he got Gawin comfortable and open, he would suggest they hang out, play basketball, and maybe even ask for the singer’s number.

The plan was effective. To the point.

He could not fail.

The only condition was that Gawin actually showed up today.

And he was going to show up, right? There was no way he could be sick today of all days.

“Oh, finally!” Gun said when the Chairman appeared on the stage, saluting the audience, palms pressed together.

Joss’ brow furrowed.

The Chairman started his speech, thanking the crowd for their attendance.

Joss ran his tongue over his molars anxiously.

There was no way his luck was this bad, there was absolutely no way –

As the depressing thoughts crossed his mind, the entrance’s doors opened, and Gawin Caskey entered the dark room in a ray of light.

Joss let out a breath he hadn’t known he had been withholding. His lips pressed together to hide a smile as Gawin closed the door quietly and bowed in apology.

The Chairman, who had not interrupted his speech, gave him a forgiving nod. Hiding in the shadows, Gawin scurried to the back of the room to join his friends. He looked especially dashing tonight, his hair styled prettily and dressed in a green shirt that complemented his skin tone.

Joss could not take his eyes off him.

“What’s your deal, man?”

Luke observed him with raised eyebrows, then followed Joss’ line of sight.

“Ah,” He murmured, a knowing smile spreading on his face. “You’re crushing that bad, huh?” His friend teased, wiggling his eyebrows. “I knew something was off when you asked me about him. I should have known… You always liked challenges, and he’s just your type, isn’t he? Do you want me to talk to him for you?”

Joss threw his friend a murderous look.

“Mind your business.”

Luke laid a dramatic hand over his heart.

“I’m just trying to help.”

Joss elbowed him in the ribs.

“Don’t.”

He ignored his friend’s pained cry and chanced a look back at Gawin. He could not let Luke get involved. Luke would come, run his mouth like a fool, and ruin everything. Joss could not risk scaring Gawin off. Luke’s meddling was to be avoided at all costs.

“Help with what?”

Joss jumped when Gun leaned closer, trying to listen to their conversation. Their hisses were starting to gather attention.

“Who has a crush? Joss?”

Gun’s large eyes pinned him with an interrogating stare, to which Luke raised his shoulders comically, making it clear what the answer was.

Joss felt his ears heat up. Annoyed by Luke’s lack of tact, he attempted to strike him again, but this time Luke had anticipated his move and successfully dodged his blow.

Gun looked between them, mouth opening in a silent “oh,” as his face morphed into the wicked expression that Joss feared the most.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Joss motioned with a finger on his lips for Gun to be quiet and focused his attention back on the Chairman, who was still blabbering about GMMTV’s glorious position in Thai media.

Luke snickered on his side.

Ignoring both of his friends, Joss risked a glance around. Some people were observing them with curious stares. Joss gave them a tight-lipped smile. His friends always chose the worst moments to embarrass him. He unintentionally found Gawin’s silhouette again at the back of the room. The latter’s gaze was vaguely directed in the Chairman’s direction, unattentive. Hopeful, Joss tried to catch his eye.

“Oh stop, you lovesick idiot. You are going to stare a hole into the guy.” Gun teased him ruthlessly, his mouth close to Joss’ ear so only he could understand.

Caught red-handed, Joss turned his attention fully to the stage, a bitter taste in his mouth.

Gawin had not looked at him once.

***

The party was advancing nicely. Food had been served, some people were gathered in small groups around the tables, while others hit the dance floor. Sporting sparkly blue glasses, Joss was starting to feel tipsy. In a corner of the room, a photo booth was set, and guests were encouraged to dress up with the various available accessories.

Joss’ friends had dragged him to take pictures as soon as they were done eating, with Gun leading the troop. They had been taking picture after picture for more than fifteen minutes. Joss almost felt like he was at an actual modeling job. Gun was impartial in his posing directions.

Not far from them, Gawin was dancing with Marc, his friend and also Joss’ colleague in Friendzone, his first series. He had a wide smile on his face.

Joss’ grip on his cup tightened. For a few seconds, he got lost in the sight of Gawin’s swinging hips. He could picture his hands on Gawin’s waist, feel the warmth of his back against his chest, and the softness of the shorter man’s neck on his lips. What would his hair smell like? Musky and masculine or a fresh and simple scent… Probably the latter. Gawin was the perfect height for Joss to rest his head on his shoulder. He would fit so wonderfully in his arms…

An impatient pat on his shoulder brought him back from his reverie.

Gun was looking at him with a raised, assertive eyebrow. Obedient, Joss changed pose, imitating the group, he then pretended to be a gangster for the photograph.

“Perfect!”

Gun trotted to the photographer to inspect their work, smiling proudly at the shots.

Relieved that the photo session was over, Joss let out a sigh.

His friends, Luke, Jennie, and Sammy, were enthusiastically sharing stories. Joss only listened to them with half an ear, his attention diverting back, despite his best efforts, to the dance floor.

“The pictures are great, I’ll send them to you later,” Gun said, linking their arms together with joy. “Are you drunk? You look kinda out of it.”

Joss coughed into his cup to hide his blushing cheeks. “Yes,” he lied, tearing his eyes off Gawin’s fluffy hair, “I think I drank too much.”

Unfortunately for him, Gun, always ever perceptive, wasn’t fooled. A sly smile crossed his lips when he saw the object of Joss’ attention a few meters away from them.

“Marc! Fluke! Come here!”

He shouted, gesturing for the two men to join their group. Surprised but pleased by the invitation, Gawin and Marc quickly followed suit.

“Come, let’s take a picture together.”

Gun gave Joss a pointed look, grabbing the two men by the arms and bringing them closer.

Joss’ blood ran cold, then dangerously hot, his heart galloping in excited strides.

“Here, guys, stand together just like this!”

Gun led the group to huddle in front of the big GMMTV sign, Joss finding himself just a few steps away from Gawin.

His devious friend winked at him.

Joss swallowed a lump in his throat.

“Chill out”, he attempted to reassure himself under his breath, trying desperately to calm his frantic heart. “You got this.”

Letting out a long exhale, he stole another glance at Gawin. The singer was happily following Gun’s instructions, making a V under his chin with his thumb and pointer finger. He was just so cute.

A slam between his shoulder blades brought him back from his longing thoughts.

Joss almost thanked his best friend for the intervention as he regained his composure, straightening his slouching back in a more put-together, cooler stature. However, when he met Luke’s eyes, the latter was pointing at Gawin with his lips, making lewd kissing gestures. Joss closed his eyes in despair, determining that omitting Luke’s behavior was the better option. His friends were horrible, worse than children.

He endured the photoshoot, embarrassed but resolute. He could not miss this opportunity.

Once the group pictures were taken, Marc insisted that Gawin and he get photographed together.

Joss stayed back and watched as Marc forced a pointy silver hat on Gawin’s head, spreading glitter all over his face and hair.

Luke nudged his shoulder with his, teasingly. “Come on, Man. Aren’t you going to talk to him?”

Still annoyed with his best friend, Joss glowered at him.

“I told you not to get involved.”

“Why are you so pressed about this? Just talk to him.”

“I will. Just stop acting like a toddler and let me handle this.”

Defeated, Luke shrugged and finally left him to get himself another plate of food.

Alone, at last, Joss gathered his thoughts. There were droplets of condensation on his cup, and his fingers were uncomfortably wet. He dried his hands on his black jeans, adrenaline running through his veins as if he were preparing for a decisive shot in a basketball game.

Stick to the plan.

Gawin and Marc were done with their pictures and were waiting for them to print.

“Look at you, man. You look like Gandalf.” Marc teased the young American. He received a punch in the arm as a response. “Hey Joss, am I not right?” He continued as Joss joined them to examine the photograph Gawin was carefully holding in his palms.

No, Joss didn’t think he was right at all.

“I don’t know, bro. You kinda look constipated to me. So I’m not sure which is better…”

Delighted butterflies exploded in Joss’ stomach when Gawin gave him an approving grin.

Marc couldn’t help but laugh at his statement.

“I see you two are teaming up against me. Whatever. I need another drink! You guys want anything?” He asked, shaking his empty glass.

“No, I’m good.”

“Me too.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Leaving with a cheery step, Marc abandoned them.

Gawin smiled cheekily at Joss before returning his attention to the picture he was now fanning.

Finally alone with him, Joss felt less confident.

Gawin had a high nose and beautiful skin. Joss had never noticed his eyelashes were this long before… His eyes were a cool, shiny shade of brown that reflected the light like painted glass.

Focus.

“I haven’t seen you at P’Green’s class in a while.” He blurted close to Gawin’s ear, raising his voice to cover the loud bass of the EDM song that burst through the hall’s speakers.

Gawin looked up, eyes wide, surprised by the question. He seemed lost for a few seconds, rummaging through his mind.

Joss’ heart sank.

He doesn’t remember me.

“Oh, right!” The shorter man, ultimately exclaimed, recollection clear on his features. “I usually don’t go at this time! I had to film that day, so I swapped my class with someone else’s.”

Some tension in Joss’ body alleviated at the explanation.

“It’s a shame. I really liked your singing. You have an amazing voice, man.” Joss confessed, rejoicing in the pleased flush that tinted Gawin’s face.

“Thank you. I appreciate it.” He said, shifting on his feet with a grateful smile.

Joss stood a little bit taller.

“No problem. I was so shocked when I heard you sing Honeymoon Avenue so flawlessly. I have been struggling with it for weeks.”

“Yeah? I have a lot of practice so… I’m sure you’re not that bad.”

“Not that bad? I’m terrible, bro.”

Gawin let out a sincere belly laugh, his nose scrunching.

Talking to him like this, after being near Gawin and making him laugh, Joss realized that he wanted nothing more than to squeeze this man into his arm and kiss every inch of that pretty face.

So, maybe his friends were right, Joss conceded with an embarrassed chuckle that Gawin probably didn’t decipher. Maybe he had a crush. Maybe it was even more than a crush…

“Do you think, maybe, you could give me some pointers someday?” He asked, his voice higher than usual and a symphony playing in his chest.

Gawin’s eyebrows shot up to his hair.

“Sure, man. Why not?” He conceded after a beat.

Joss resisted the urge to pump the air.

“Well, I’ll give you my number,” He added, holding out his hand instead. “You can text me when you’re free.”

“Okay.”

When Gawin handed him his iPhone, Joss’ hands were a little shaky.

He carefully entered his number, making sure not to get any digit wrong, and trying not to let his excitement show.

Gawin’s wallpaper was a picture of green, lush mountains that were so high and large that they blended into the sky, the summit covered in thick fog. It had not been taken in Thailand, Joss was sure of it. He was about to question Gawin about it when another silhouette appeared next to the singer.

Someone had swung their arm around Gawin’s shoulders and was talking into his ear, their faces intimately close. Joss recognized Podd, Gawin’s screen partner.

Joss handed his phone back to Gawin, nodding to Podd, who was observing him curiously.

“Hey,” He greeted the older man, feeling his body tense up.

“Hey,” Podd saluted him in return, his arm still holding Gawin tightly. “You’re having a good night?”

Gawin didn’t seem bothered by the proximity at all, his body relaxed and open. Joss knew that they were probably close. They had filmed a series in which they were lovers, so they obviously must be comfortable with each other. And even though Joss tended not to linger on their intimate scenes, he had seen the two kiss.

“Yeah, it’s a great party!” Joss tried to answer casually, bile coating his throat.

Podd’s thumb was now making irritating, almost imperceptible, small circles on Gawin’s shoulder.

Joss wanted to rip his arm away.

“It sure is.” Podd’s grin was full of straight, white teeth. “I’m sorry, but I need to borrow Gawin here. We have some people to see.” He added, with a contrite tilt of his head.

Joss’ jaw clenched.

“It was nice talking to you, man,” Gawin said, patting his arm apologetically.

Electricity coursed through Joss’ body as the singer’s warm hand landed on his bicep. Joss nearly crumbled to his feet.

“It was nice talking to you, too.” He mumbled, repressing a full-body shiver.

Gawin walked away, waving him goodbye.

“Tell me when you’re free!” Joss called, feeling the loss of his presence too acutely.

Gawin shot a finger gun at him, ever so adorable.

“Sure thing!”

And just like that, he was gone.

Conflicted between elation and jealousy, Joss met Luke back at the buffet.

“Why do you look so down? Did you get rejected?” His friend interrogated him, his mouth full of strawberry cake.

Dejected, Joss followed Luke’s example and started piling noodles and some oily meat onto a plate.

Screw his diet.

“Shut up, man. I did not.” He grumbled back, chewing the meat with rageful bites.

Why did it feel like he did get rejected?

 

 

***

Months passed but Gawin never contacted him.